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Fighting Fair & Neutralizing Arguments

so fighting fair. We know conflict is inevitable in any sort of relationship. Where you to care if you both care? Conflict is inevitable to people, cannot possibly share the same needs expectations and opinions and be in the same mood at all times, So it's given. Yea, we know that awesome. The basis for an argument is as follows. There's three ways into an argument. Someone says, or does something someone reacts. There's an exchange, that's what If itis, it's just like that on. And just like there's three ways in when dealing with the contact conflict, we have three ways out. We can either avoid the conflict altogether. That didn't happen. That didn't happen. That didn't happen. Now we no longer speak to each other. We can confront to win. We can confront with the intention of winning the argument, proving that you were right, proving the other person's wrong and every time, By the way, that you prove that the other person is wrong. What are you really winning? In terms of the relation...

ship? Not much. You're actually pegging yourself down and down. This is something I had to learn. I'm naturally a competitive person. I have learned over time that I gained so much more back by realizing I don't have to win. I just have to share how I feel and feel heard. And then here, how they feel and that is the wind. That was a big shift for me on number three is we confront to cooperate, and that is the optimal way to do it. We confront the issue. Confrontation is not a bad thing. Let's talk about what is going on on. Let's do it in a way that we both get to give a little bit and yet gain a little bit, probably game or and move past this obstacle s so it doesn't matter if the fight or conflict or negotiation is at home or with a client or a business owner or spontaneous frustration that can erupt between an adult parent and child. It's just a matter of understanding. You've got to choose one of the three ways out and try to do so clearly. And I hope you go with number three. Um, so who is at fault? I want to ask this question because that idea of But I didn't start this. This isn't my fault. he came in a bad mood or he She was the one who said that word that that set off the whole thing, whatever it might be. One of the things that I had I had a car accident when I was in college was a really rough car accident. I still have my scar from it. And when I It was something like two in the morning, I was a designated driver. Anyway, um, I was fine. I was at the light. I looked both ways. The light changed. I turned out and I got slammed into by another car. The other car did not have their headlights on. It was two in the morning. The other car did not have their head. That's on. I never saw them on Guy Clears Day. I remember looking in the mirror, having like, you know, facial cuts look horrible, so so swollen, so cut up. But I thought somebody thought there's nothing worse in my eyes and there was I'm totally fine. But at the time, I didn't know that, and I remember I had the realization that at the end of day, when you're looking at the mirror and you have injuries. It doesn't matter whose fault it was. This still happened, and I think sometimes we feel like if we're not at fault, we could escape injury and that is not true. It's still will occur. So the idea of who is at fault or who is wrong doesn't matter when you're in a conflict. What matters is how you move out of it in a good way were not excused from injury just because it's not our fault. Psychologist Emily Ross Rafael wrote a book called Free Spirit, and it states that truth is relative. And specifically, she says, When conflict resolution begins with understanding that truth is relative, so much depends on one's perspective, and none of us have a lock on the whole picture of anything. Nevertheless, most conflicts start, and most people maintain the question within their whose fault with this who is wrong and who is right. And what I'm telling you is it doesn't matter. It's the way you move out of it. Um, if you say this, I heard myself say this overall. Okay, Okay, okay. But for the record, the truth is, you could say that to your blue in the face. Nobody's keeping one, and that doesn't matter at all as a silly little insight. But I find myself saying it. For the record, nobody's keeping one. Okay, so this doesn't matter. The Sweet Six. The little ideas. Six things to keep in mind while you're moving through an argument or discussion, you guys sure to come up and have won for us is to keep in mind. Number one Physical intelligence. I talked about this yesterday. If you can get really in tune with what your body tells you, you have words before you know it, the words are cashing in. My chest feels really tight. It's often because I feel blocked in, or I feel frustrated that so right away I have a word when I feel like my head's and advice. It's because I feel tension or I feel like I'm stuck. You know, when I feel like my heart is racing, I feel like things were out of control and I feel very anxious. You can start to pay a lot more attention to your physical intelligence and have words to begin an argument with our a fight. I think we should demystify the fact that fight is terrible. It's more like an ability to move through something personal interpretation. You have to understand, no matter what's happening, it's the response to it that matters. You can't control what occurs but you you can control how you respond to it. So how are you interpreting the events that are unfolding by the way, these six steps we're gonna be referencing when you guys come here transfer? Of course, from thoughts to feelings, you think it before you feel it. You think while you're being disrespectful and you feel disrespected knowing what you even want, how many times have you heard that you have to know what you want from this discussion? You just can't kind of blindly go in and run around like you have to say, OK, what I want from this is to come out in a place where we understand how you both feel and we feel more together because we addressed it together, getting curious or creative. That has to do with Well, what are you feeling right now? If I get curious about how you're processing this, I have more empathy, and I feel more kind. When Sarah and Brian were up here. We're talking about the fact that when you wake up, Brian said that actually, when he wakes up Sarah which she feels is like, just thrown into her her day when he feels like he's just trying to tell you what to get through for the day and she reacts to that. His feelings are hurt. Like, what did I dio understanding how the other person feels, opens up a lot of empathy and allows you come from a place that you want to resolve this conflict cause you want each other to feel better and then making a choice. Where do we go from here? Let's come up with some sort of resolution together. Um, all right, so with that, I think I'm gonna ask Neil and Whitney to come up here and fight for us. Would you introduce Whitney, please? This is Whitney, Nicole. Uh, she is my girlfriend and I We've been together for six plus years now. Wonderful. And and we're just meeting you for the first time. But Neil has talked about you several times on the show. Both shows the posing workshop and this one. What we heard him say yesterday is that at the heart of it, he trusts you more than anybody else in his world. And he knows that expresses, just like he keeps coming back to examples of you guys and how impactful it is. And so what we thought is that because you do both seem to be in a place that you clearly love each other very much. And you are in this committed relationship and you you are together emotionally. But you also work together, right? Yes. Can you share a little bit about that? Well, so I run a voice studio. I teach voice lessons, and he's kind of like my go to man for everything. Like he I bounce ideas off of him. He helps me, you know, choose employees. He helps me with everything and then vice versa. With his business with his photography business. It's like if he's got an inquiry or like a new kind of job. He talks to me about how he's gonna quote the rate like what's gonna happen, and so we just kind of do everything with each other. We're like the V p. C o. Like every 10 12 other positions for each other's businesses, because I'm one man ish right now and she's just getting toe. You have a lot of that intellectual discourse that in terms of helping each other, Yeah, in fact, sometimes that's all that a lot. It's true. And I have a full time career job, and I did, and she was starting her business. So I was like, Employees come home when I drop everything and she's like business. And then all of a sudden, I started starting a business and yeah, dynamics were changing. And that was 3.5 years ago, right? By the way, I love that you guys coordinate so well. Did you plan that? Know what each other in two weeks way? He was at a music conference until, like, an hour ago, I just got here. You incredibly, it's me and the cat kind of spooning at night instead of her go with couch of the ridiculous. So you guys volunteered Teoh reasons. I wanted to talk to them and cerebro involuntary. Is that because, you know, Neil and I talked privately and he shared that that he feels really good about where you guys are and that you can't really fight on camera and publicly analyst or stuff. If you're feeling while the frustrated insecurity and because you are in such a stable place, we're all gonna benefit from you showing us this. So I asked you earlier to pick a topic, and I don't even know what it is. What did you end up picking? Picking a topic that you tend to have a friction over. You know, it's kind of generic, but the money thing is huge, right? And when he shifted, when he started his business and it used to be, he had the consistent income so kind of like, stabilized our lives and I was just building things, so that kind of work for us. Then he went on his own. And so then all of a sudden, financial finances became really influx. So we had to sort of create this way of meeting. We do it every week to kind of go over our budget and what's coming in, What's going out? How we're gonna like, you know, make all of those decisions, and that was really hard and causes fights for us. Still, you know, it sort of has gotten better with time, but that's one of those things where it'll be. I'm kind of the one who's pushing it. I'm like, OK, let's sit down And I have the spreadsheet and he never even like, looks at it and it's true. She's like, awesome with the spreadsheets. He's really good at it. And I'm like, I don't want to see an experimental results in the numbers And we've kind of come to an agreement like splitting up tasks like she works the numbers and, like, you know, we come together and then we talk about it, okay? And then So where does the friction comes in? Where Ifit's a period of time, where you know, with a freelance income like him, it's like one month will be great. And then we'll have a month off where it's like not so great. And so I'm now taking the role of like, covering those extra sort of, like, just kind of being the baseline. And we're not We're not married it, even though we're 100% like partners, so we haven't like, fully emerged all of our finances would you have like a joint account? But the arguments come where there's not communication between. If I need to cover certain things or where the money is gonna come from. So like if he's feeling like he doesn't have a lot coming in that month, he wants to avoid it. So I'm like, Hey, can we sit down? And he all of a sudden he's out of the room. He's like, you know, going up to the roof. He's like, walking like, Hey, we really need to do this you know? And then I'm like, I know you're avoiding it. Oh, absolutely. It's funny that that's funny. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, let's talk about it and you're like, I'm going to go to the roof way, fight it and like, I have to like, Look, we could talk about this later and it used to be like storming out, going for a walk that looks like I need some space and going for a wall, you say, Used to be and then I storm out like, was it a thing said, or was it the pressure that built up and you felt that you just need to get out? It was definitely, I mean, especially starting out when I mean we spent. We've been through a lot together like, you know, there was a year, a year and 1/2 of like unemployment and like eating savings before I even, like, ever turned a profit from business. So, like I was not feeling good as a human being, like at all business and life. And it was trying our relationship. And, you know, we had been through a lot of that point and especially the money thing. And I think it's for everybody. But, you know, everyone says, especially for men, it is very hard to not be a breadwinner and to not be the one like I used of this job. But I was making you know I had when she was starting her business. And then all of a sudden, I have this much left, and I better start making money soon. You almost felt like you were fueled by not only the pressure, but also a sense of. And I'm not saying you should feel it. I don't think so. But you are saying to me that you felt somewhat inadequate like you weren't doing your job as the man who supply it, cares for her woman, etcetera. And the pain of that made you react by saying I'm just gonna go for a while. This right? And I would just pressure pressure, pressure like, Hey, we got more that he would avoid the angrier and more. Yeah, and that's where we fight. And I mean, you were feeling like it's all left to me. I feel like he is like, when he does that. And I know we talk about it. I know in a big like sense, it's not all my responsibility. But when that happens and he's like not there and I'm looking at the numbers and I'm like, How are we gonna handle this? I have to deal with all this. It's all my responsibility And then it just feels like I'm doing it all by myself. Got it, got it makes you feel we go back to one of the worst feelings that could be is makes you feel alone and abandoned. Yeah, which is a rough place to be. But you've been seeing that more often right now. So you said it used to be you'd go out. We still but we still have fresh in. Still have friction, you know, with me and other stuff and all that those other things. But should we talk about the other woman in our life? Oh, sure. Something on the Internet. We brought another woman into our lives. Okay, Throughout this morning, way stock to someone Way go. And I was, like, weird at first toe like we're not married. I didn't want to go. And, truth be told, I have stormed out of some sessions and I have not come back that he was a storm early O b redheaded Irish redhead, you know, like that hides out in me big. Yeah, I've had to learn toe, get away from that. So yeah, and that has helped a lot. That's right now, but like that has been really important. That's amazing. I love that. And that's what helps create the communication. What you're talking about, right? Huge. And I think before we weren't really understanding what was going on, we still have those arguments still do that, but it's it's a little bit easier to deal with. So what's going better when you have one of those arguments you're not storming out anymore, Which means you don't have to feel like you've gotta grab him and pull man by being more aggressive, abandoning her. So I give him. We say we have set times and he's like he's a little bit He's more prepared with, like dealing with it like he's more aware that I'm triggered by him leaving or like waiting it. And then I'm also more aware that if he's starting to get feel really like, it's a bad month and he's feeling really bad about money, and it's like triggering something emotionally in him. I'm a little bit more aware that I should give him a little bit of space and let him Maybe what will say I'll say Okay, like, let's do this in two hours, Yeah, And then he has time to go, like, clear his head and prepare. Whereas before I would just aggressively go after and be like, Hey, I want to do this now. Yep, you know, Well, you know what I think What's very interesting about this? A. That you guys are become so aware of it that most people never do. They just kind of, you know, the conflict just takes over. So I love that you are doing that. The other thing. I think it's really important that dynamic of the storm off and feel left behind is that we don't really see it that way. You're probably not thinking I'm going to abandon her right now, you know? And you know Yeah, but But also, tell me. Tell me this. When you said you have the Irish temper, it kind of takes over some people. This is part of hat being curious about the other person. In terms of managing the conflict, some people become so flooded with their thoughts and their emotions and their feelings that it's not that you are trying to do anything to her, you just feel like I need some space to center my thoughts. Does that sound like something that might be true? Yes. Okay. Okay. And then and then from your perspective, you already said when you go, I feel been And there's not for you to say one of the best things for him right now, and for us is he gets a chance to center. Both take a breath and we recognize this is part of what we dio and then come instead of you feeling like I must stay at all costs, like maybe your centering time gets shorter and shorter and and your ability to give that time. That sounds like one way that when those emotions really come up because it sounds like Neil, that you're not gonna become less emotional for time. And I don't believe you should. I don't think any of this has become less emotional, have less feelings. It's more like how you display them in a way that doesn't crash into the other person so much, Right? Definitely. Do you want to do one minute simulation of just a one minute simulation of expression that might have a real time? You're straightening out your clothing is using pajamas with All right, So hey, do you Let's it down to this budget in the middle of Let me start with you can get your numbers. Uh, all right, cool. So, what's in your business account once in your personal account, that's more like an hour on multitasking. Can I get your multi tap? Yes. He'll just know. Then you probably feel like you're competing with whatever else is going on to get attention. Look at her. So Okay, so when that check from that hotel job coming in not yet know they're totally delaying. This is why I should never put final payment in blah, blah, blah. What are they paying you via? Transfers it deposited emailing it to you. Don't know. They could either deposited or mail it. And that could take 30 days instead of you. Didn't ask them when you I asked them. But everything's getting pushed back and okay, so they have a time estimate that I can least put on the spreadsheet. I don't know. I feel like I can. That's fantastic. What are you feeling during this? Just give me an idea so I can plan your just. Yeah. Yeah. You're just trying to get an answer. And you feel like that Answer. There's so much evasion and you're probably could have done this in 10 minutes. Is that right? Okay, I feel that. And what are you feeling? I mean during that is not what's right or wrong. Just what does that feel like when that's happening? It's stressful for me on a number of levels, and I think that's why I can get flustered during the whole process because it goes into so much, you know, it just it's stressful. And do you feel like cornered a little bit? No, Like I had loved that. She takes the reins in the responsibility for it all. I don't like facing the music like I'm not always happy with the numbers, and I'm not always happy with, like, all the stuff around, like, Oh, I'm waiting on this stuff And that's because things aren't perfect with this job right now or like whatever it is, you know, So you appreciate that somebody's managing and then she's the one. I appreciate her more than like the world can ever understand, like she and I have become this incredible team. So But I love that you feel appreciated right there in the middle, that discussion on the oh, you know. But of course you don't. And so even though you're both playing your roles and getting trying to get what you want, one of the things I would love for you guys to do it again, I keep saying, pull back, but you have to, because this is flooding you right so you could pull back and say, What do I want most in the world in this relationship on? And what do I want most for her what I want most for him. Um I mean, Neil, what is that? What do you want most in the world for this relationship? Um well, I I want us Teoh to make it work and just to be together forever. You know, like we are at this amazing place in our relationship, you know? And, um, that's that's what's most important to all these little things. You want to find the words and the methods so that they aren't taxing on you. That's what you want. And what do you want her to feel? I want her to feel loved. Yeah, I want to feel really loved. And that's what's most important to me, for sure. I love that. And so you can tell him in those arguments going forward, I make a horrible therapist in this this discussion. If you could say next time we have this discussion, if you could just pepper in a couple things like simply say, I really appreciate that you're on this, then that will soothe you and not make you feel like it's all on you, right? So that's something that you can communicate to him totally in a future discussion like I feel like you're backing up. And yet inside what we don't get to see with your body language, Neil, inside your thinking. Thank God she's doing this. I love her so much, but it doesn't look like that. It doesn't look like that. So that has to It has to be communicated and in terms of what you want for this relationship. Oh, well, I would. I want this relationship. I want us to be happy forever, like I cheesy. But I just know what you like to be happy with our lives and what we're doing and fulfilled with each other. And, you know, and you wanted the family gather long term. Yeah. Absolutely. And then? And what do you want him to feel? I want him to feel, um What's the word? I want him to feel, um, really good about himself and what he's doing. I love that. Okay, So you both know And what would make you feel good about you and what you're doing? When? When that dialogue. What could she say? Because one of things that you're going to start to say is like, I really appreciate your doing this. I know This is a lot. And you were taking on, and I just Oh, you for that. What sort of things would you like her to say That communicates to you that she really wants you to feel good about yourself in this conversation? Um, a lot of what she does is just that she under and we're getting better at this like it doesn't always start that way, but just that she understands why I feel the way I dio and why I'm frustrated. And like that first step is becoming for both of us, like the empathy part has become huge. Like, I understand why you feel that way because at first it's like, Why are you being so annoyed about this? Like, you know, I can't remember My mind is like swimming, but I can't remember who talked about it. But someone was like, you know, like, stuff comes up and you just want to run like you don't even like, think, you know. So like, now we're like slowing down or like acknowledging each other's feelings and and walking, talking through it and like, if we need time, I'm gonna be honest. I need to leave the room and, you know, letting it happen, but not, like, way out. And I'll be back in 20 minutes. Yeah, And then So maybe one of the things she could communicate to you and your when she said, Well, is it coming on? Director Positive. When can we expect it? You know, maybe you could say, Honey, you could say that a little bit more like I understand. It's a lot of a lot to ask. You don't have clear answers, you know, and be able to say to you, I know this is a lot. You have emotional response to this, but can you think of a way that maybe we could clarify? There's no that would make you feel less like you confused inside sometimes about these things, right? Yeah. Wonderful.