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Relationships to Self

Okay. What is your relationship to you? Don't we all pretty much have a relationship to ourselves? Isn't Don't already know yourselves? I mean, that's kind of what I do with myself. When I did the taking care of business program, I basically had a whole segment that says you keep hearing from experts and professionals to be yourself. How many times have you heard that? Like best? If I shouldn't give, just be yourself. I hear that again and again and again. I mentioned having interviewed so many people at the top there Game one of things I hear a lot was And at the end of the day, you just have to know yourself, be yourself. I think if you really were to stop and think that I think about it, unless you've done some really focused thought processes and you have doesn't tactical exercises and you really, truly been ableto find some awareness and pull back and look at what that means. Um, it doesn't mean a lot like it doesn't mean a lot. Be yourself. I am myself like what does that mean? Y...

es, Maybe Like the way I interpreted is that maybe a refined version off our own self where whatever we're doing, the best that we could do being does your interpretation of be yourself is being the best that you can do. OK, that's you know that. I'm so glad you said that because my interpretation is different. Everybody else has a different reputation. My interpretation is find out the worst parts of you to and find a way to celebrate them and work them into who you know, your public image of yourself as a business as a brand, as a whatever. Yes. So went like for me, the superlative. It's not, like just the best. So if I have a negative if I don't hide it, yes, that is also a best like it's that is who I am if they have something ballistic. But it should be clear there shouldn't be anything covering up. Yeah, I'm not high transparency, transparency. Just like a game show. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. You know, while we're at it, guess what would you say be yourself means Well, I'm not going to answer that question directly. But one thing 11 thing that I think about in regards to seeing myself is I I'll use the example of my marriage. Like I thought, Oh, great guy. You know, got not a good friends. And then I got married, and then I was like, Oh, wow, I'm a jerk. Well, I got a lot to work on, and I just really started to see part of my reflected in your what? Away from you. And, um, And now, being a parent, I'm starting to see other things that hadn't been revealed. Even at this point, my emerge. Yes, that's very good. I love that. Yeah. Yeah. Excellent. I like that bright. My, uh, my boss often tells me to What do you do? You work for? Ah, cell for company. Their communications and PR function. Little bit of marketing. But he always tells me to frequently tells me to trust, trust my instincts. So to some extent, it's, you know, actually trusted them. Whereas, you know, sometimes I'm not really sure about them, but, you know, just trust in the gut and kind of going with. So you say you feel a certain way about something, just act on it and stop questioning it and analyzing, right? Right or wrong trusting. Yeah. So being yourself for you has a heart huge element of just trusting that you know what? To dio. Yeah, sometimes it's hard. Yeah. Oh, I often find Yeah, absolutely. Especially when nobody else is telling you it's not very much. Okay, excellent. So, you know, we all have kind of blended interpretations from its transparency. It's the best of yourself from a trance perspective. It's I am who I am is a different person based on where I am in my life. And I keep finding out more things about me as my life grows richer. I'm just gonna say having a wife and kid is making your life, Richard, if you don't mind, and then trusting yourself and stop analysing and questioning and put away some of those reservations that you may have analytically to just say, You know what, I do know the best thing. So we all have different interpretations of what be yourself means to me. I remember hearing that one point and literally saying, I've heard that 20 times in a row. What does that mean? It was annoying to me because I felt like How could I be any more? Me? I don't know how to make more. Maybe like I this is me. So, uh, part of recognising. I think the idea recognizing who you are is also recognizing who you're not and having the acknowledgement that the way you see the world is not the way everybody sees the world. That's a really hard thing for us. We could say yes, it's the truth. It's reality face reality when people say that when they say face reality, the first in the pops in my head is you mean face your version of reality because that's what you mean when people say, Well, yeah, it's the truth. Truth is so relative Truth varies on geography, religion where you're born in in the world, what family you're born into. Race, ethnicity. I mean, truth varies. So I think these absolutes That's part of what the idea of better understanding yourself is recognizing who you are in the face of all those absolutes and being able to see what you think is the truth in reality and how that is a variable thing as well. For me, what you were saying, like accepting that my truth will be different from yours is a huge part off being my select like, I know that if I accept, okay, your version will be different. And mind you different if I'm okay with both of that? Yeah, it's OK that she can have a wasn't and I can have some and I accept that it makes things a lot easier for me that it makes things just stop falling into placement and start accepting. Yeah, we're gonna talk about acceptance in a second. I thought that was really hard. Were to get their second. That's a good point. But, you know, it's the oldest adage in the world, which is, you know, you have to love yourself first before you can love somebody else, right? We've heard that a bunch of times. I take that a step further and say it's awfully difficult to show compassion and empathy for someone else if we're not doing that for our own cells. I think you know if you are somebody and I know so many people like this and I have been there, and it probably will be there again, but I think it's awfully difficult to treat yourself like crap and naturally extend a healthy self to another. It's awfully difficult Oh, gosh, I wrote that. Onda. Uh, it's nearly impossible to keep looping these negative thoughts about who you are, what you think and how you do and how you perform and not on some level assume other people are thinking the thing thing about you and what we think of others has a massive effect on how we treat them. What we think of others and what we assume their thinking about us has a massive effect on how we treat them. If I walk in a room and I feel like people are thinking negative things about me, I'm going to respond to them extraordinarily differently than if I walk into a room and think, I just have love here extraordinarily differently and actually being able to reach a place where you just go off the ascent assumption of positive until somebody smacks you over the head with a massive negative is the way to move through the world being more of yourself because you're not covering up so much just to be careful. Isn't it horrible what we tell ourselves in their heads? Yeah, just that subtle shift. Yeah, it's huge. It is huge. I completely agree on. Also, consider this undisputable fact. You are 50% of every relationship you experience. I'm not even kidding you. When I came up with these words and wrote him on the slide, I put down my laptop, I sat back. I go, That is so good. Because all the time in every direction, everybody you know and interact with in any way your half of that. Why wouldn't that be the number one thing that you are focused on improving because it's gonna go Everywhere you go? It's like it's like getting a camera and getting the best possible camera that you could ever buy because it's gonna go into every shoot you do. It is the fundamental thing that you want to invest in or the lens with the education. Now I'm going way. But the point is the one thing that will always be there no matter what is the thing that you want to be of the highest quality that just makes sense on when I say in every relationship, I mean every sales meeting, walk into every client. Should you do every graphic you create every marketing PR cover your area? Yeah, exactly. Every visual effect that you create on super cool movies. What was one of the super cool movies you just work on? Just are. You said you you mentioned a couple really cool movies worked on Star Wars fires. Yeah, Star Wars, Pirates, the Caribbean, just like twilight for the team's twilight. Just these little be house, but you know, you're gonna bring that every time. So when this is the part that I really care about because you cannot really get the most out of a relationship unless you're getting the most out of yourself and when people say you've got to get the most of yourself, what they usually think you mean is that you have to change yourself, right? I would argue, I would. I would, I think you're supposed to say I would assert I would assert that you cannot get the most out of yourself unless you could be incredibly aware of yourself. It's not about changing yourself. It's becoming more aware of how you think what you do, your memorized set of behaviors that's going to come up a lot. It comes up in every every year of my life. I consider the fact that most people are acting out of a memorized set of behaviors, and they're calling that their personality when in fact it's just wrote response to what I know I do. If this happens to me so you cannot get the most of herself without increasing your thoughts, increasing your awareness of your own thoughts, your own behaviors, your own actions. And so the question is, what are you made of? Really, that is the great question. And I'm not talking about Seenu and tissue. And having a relationship to yourself means knowing a lot more of yourself because you've been watching yourself, not in a creepy way. But you've been washing yourself on dure, accepting all the little things about yourself that others may know, but that you've been trying to hide from them anyway, like they already know it. Have you ever done that have admitted something to someone? They're like, Yeah, we know that about you. It also means understand what you're really made of. Been giving yourself credit for some of your amazing qualities instead of just assuming. Doesn't anybody know how to do that? When we have really raw talent in a certain area? We tend to assume everybody else can do that, too, and that it's nothing that's the basis of teaching. The basis of teaching is recognizing that things that you just take for granted are not natural to everybody else. And you have to. Actually, the hardest part is to stop and say, Well, how do I do that? Because it just comes so naturally whatever, Whatever the topic is on. And I'm sure you've all had that experience where you're saying, you know what, you guys don't all know how toe hit it off ball 400 yards. Eso When I talked about the fact that most of us are a memorized set of behaviors and recalling that their personality does that make sense to you what I'm saying, what I'm saying that is on. That's not just a flippant thought. It by the age of 35 95% of everything we do is just wrote and memorized. 95% of what we do is just what we've gotten into the habit of doing. If you insult me to my face, I know toe act, hurt and indignant, and either say something back to you or talk about you behind your back growing social media twitter about you. I know that that's what I dio because I don't think about it. That's just what you do. And I will do the same thing, whether I'm 15 2040 60 etcetera. Unless I interrupt that memorized set of behaviours. Do you see how this relates to what we just did for the last three days? We spent three days in this posing workshop, interrupting a precondition set of responses that are subjects were giving us. I will never say now say cheese to a subject unless I'm saying it like an exaggerated, goofy way. But I will never say that because I will get this precondition response that I then have to fight against because it's wrote. It's not new. It's not fresh. It's not interesting. It's the same thing. When we interact with each other, we tend to interact in a way without thinking about it. We just do it, that idea of pulling back and seeing what you dio. That's where you start understanding what be yourself means. That's that whole awareness part. So, um, I want to talk a little bit about self care or self compassion or self indulgence, thes terms, air killing me. I just self care was born out of a great concept. It's a health term. Self care meant. Hey, you're going to kill yourself. What? You're slow down and take some stress off and exercise well and eat good food. Self care was meant to be a very good thing. Then it got picked up by marketing taglines, and it became more of the idea of self care means getting manicures and very shiny cars and getting luxury items. Hey, you deserve it. That's the tagline, right? That is an advertising term. Did you say advertising as well? No, no, no, not at all. So it became a buzzword in a pretty fantastic marketing technique. Eso And I'm not saying don't get pedicures. Not that I'm saying to make a distinction between the fact that self indulgence is an external concept of self care. It's taking care of everything out there, and self care is more just sitting there and being mawr. Um, one of things posits. One of the things I wanted to be mindful of while doing this presentation was to avoid overly used terms that have lost their meeting like I was about to say I was about to say, being more gentle with yourself and, you know, and and there's something wrong these words. But when people say things like, I want to own your power on and forgive me if that's one of your phrases And I just said, I'm just saying sometimes that some of the phrases we use can shut us down from listening. So if I were to say self care release on the inside, it means loving yourself in loving who you are all the way. A lot of people hear that and just know volume goes down. I can't hear it anymore because all I hear is buzzwords. And I want to avoid that because I want to keep you with me. So I'm gonna say words that are worse that are not therapy recommended because I want you to kind of stay with me in the program. So the difference between self indulgence in terms of external self care, on an internal self care is meaning that I'm gonna pay attention to what my body is telling me what my mind is telling me. The fact that the stress cortisol that's running through your body and racing has not stopped in days. I have been so aware of that. This is a five day, five days of workshops, three day opposing guide workshop in these two days of relationships, and I have been aware of exactly what the adrenaline rush in for my body feels like. This level of port is all that won't stop. So I know what it what it is. I also know I'm giving myself a time limit, and I know that we're gonna take a massive vacation after this. And we are. We're taking almost a month all together as a family. Teoh just kind of come down from this on. That's part of that. That's self care that think it's not that every single day, I have to be perfectly imbalance and all my shockers for Lined and nothing is stressful. It means I have to say, that's gonna happen. I have to give this after because I can't just jump back and keep going. Yes, I was gonna say when I think about self care, um, for me, a big part of that is, um, giving yourself permission to feel like you're worth something. I think self worth is a big deal. Yeah, I think for me, that was something that transitioning from teaching to photography. It was, um So I didn't plan on leaving teaching at that time. I plan to transition out slowly but the environment I was working in and everything, but I got to a point where I to the stress leave. And during that time I had a lot of time to think about things, and I realized that we get into this habit of defining are worth in external ways. Yes, like my career is my worth or my position as a mother or the daughter. And and we tend to define ourselves when we lose those things. Yes, we feel like we're not worth anything. We feel like we lost ourselves. Yeah, we feel like we don't know who we are. We feel like we don't know what are worth is or that we don't have anyone. So I think part of that kind of came back to I remember writing it down like like, how should I be defining myself worth if it's not externally, like how I do it, so that it's so I think a lot of that has to do with, like, your values, your experienced something that you have an effect on but not necessarily intrinsic, intrinsic, absolutely intrinsic values. Yes, that's exactly it. I love this game show. Yeah, but know that you bring up a perfect point. That's exactly it. We end up taking our jobs and our role in society and our job as a parent are whatever it is. And this is our This is our crutch. And then it gets knocked out and we fall like I don't I don't have enough here to stand without what I considered my value. Yes, that's is that exactly true, And and you take every other phrase and concept interpretation out of it. The bottom line for self care. It's a be intentionally kind to yourself. Be intentionally kind to yourself. And that's not the same as give yourself a nice cup of coffee and make sure you add the soy for 60 percents. That means at that base level, think of yourself in a kinder way. Be softer to yourself in terms of what you assume other people were thinking. When you look at them in the mirror with all your clothes off. I'm gonna make you do this in about five minutes. Here, we're gonna get a mirror and every one of you have to stand in front. Now, when you do that intentionally, look for what you can love and find more of it over time. That that's that's what I mean by intentionally. I can't wait to see where that one goes on. So let's get into a little bit of tactical questions. We're gonna do a brief exercise because I think sometimes you can talk. Theoretically, I mentioned the other day. The way I love to teach is to go with theory, and then that's do practice. Let's do something. Let's put it into action instead of just talking about what it could be. So if our personality is a memorized set of behaviours, do you guys agree with me on that? You see how that could very much be true if our personality ends up becoming a memorized set of behaviors? What's even more interesting, then, is who you aspire to be because potentially who you currently are isn't really the tip of the iceberg. So who do you aspire to be? And let's start out with something really simple. Just a sheet of paper and a pen. Every has got something. Should pay for the pen. Okay, So I'm gonna make a distinction here with the word because I think it matters when I say, Who do you aspire to be? The emphasis is on active. Like being I am being this. Not like I want to be a senator in terms of who you want to be. Do you want to be influential due to be that this is just you? This is just you and what you want for everybody else. Do you want to be influential? Do you want to be caring? Do you want to be observant? Curious thought, But I'm gonna give you a list of words. I'm not gonna make you go through a mental encyclopedia. Do you want to be adventurous and peaceful on gonna put you in a positive box? May be who you want to be. Is angry and irritated and quick to judge. And one who spends more time calling out others for trying than actually trying something yourself. Um, hopefully you're not choosing those words, but let's take two minutes to pull up these words and write down. Okay, You're not two minutes and it's gonna be one and one. Okay, So one minute for the first exercise is one minute for the second. The first exercise is who to use fire to be. The 2nd 1 is how do you want to be perceived? How do you want other people to think of you? I might want to be somebody who's content and peaceful, no matter where I am. But I may want to be perceived as somebody who cares. It's a difference. It's a difference. Write down what you said. So, yes. Who do you aspire to be? And how do you want to be perceived? I'm not gonna start time yet. Don't worry. Just for the sake of helping you out, I went online to many think sources sore eye on and put together a ton of options for your two lists. Again, I didn't put you in a positive box. I gave you angry mean words to and and I want you spend one minute on each one minute coming up with five words that describes who you want to been being in your life. And then five words about how you'd like other people to perceive you. You are not limited to these words by any means. These were just kind of nice Prompters. Does that sound good? Sounds good. Okay, let's go. Yes. When you say who you want to be, should it be something that we already are not? Are as three was fired to be. Maybe is one of your baby or you're working on or you think would be nice to be somebody was like that would be nice to be patient. I wish it could be that in a hurry. Did you get that was a joke. Okay. You ready? Thinking. I thought I could just that we could just read off. Although people at home still be writing your five words. Ignore way could read off some of what people were saying earlier, which I loved. Luciano Justice was saying While I'm watching this course, drawing with my four year old and mashing potatoes to a lunch side dish, my dog is next to me. And I think he needs some love too. So, relationships with pets. Amen. Strongest ones you have. You don't judge me exactly. Um, owlish eyes. He says Ah, this is making me see what my mother talks about when she says that through marriage and having kids, you can grow. Yes. So they're starting to roll in. Um, now people are giving us their answers and the rainy day stores as I actually want to be and perceived as the same happy, positive spirituals, fun and organized. Okay. Can you be the same? I mean, I can't tell you who want Teoh, but I would say for me that I noticed that there different words because part of what I want to be being has a lot to do with how centered I want to feel inside eso I may want to, you know, be being somebody who is is you know, I mentioned earlier is more present and mindful that something I always wanted be. And that is something I'm aspiring to be more often whereas in terms of how would be perceived, I would like when I'm in a dialogue with some day care about for them to be receiving me as a listener, as a really good, but that necessarily has its rewards. You want todo with other people I didn't want to do that the meaning of time on your own. Your horse? I don't know if I put it near a notion. Why not? I want to be being these things. When four Bush people come rock near the forest and start talking to me, I want to be perceived as this in terms I want to be able to give this. Okay. Don't you guys get some answers? Okay. Um, there's air two personal. Come on, I'll share. OK, um I want Teoh Be happy, loving, adventurous, kind patient, present and strong. Double a love that that's good. OK. And then perceived. Received as a great listener. Kind, confident, enthusiastic and out government. Very good. Very good. Excellent. Anybody else wanna share? Yeah. Um So I said I want to be loving strong. I used six words that she took a little loving strong, um, at peace, Um loyal, empathetic and adventurous. Um, and I went to be known to others Is kind, honest, inspiring, motivating and understanding. Love it. Excellent. Explain why I want you to do this. Exercise is one of the exercise I do in business workshops with branding is we start to really work on kind of the brand and how how it will be known and making sure that our business is more consistent. This is absolutely and exercise you can do for your business as well. This doesn't have to just be you, but I think it works very well personally, because if you can come up with those words and put them someplace, this is This is the doing part. Put them someplace where you see them all the time posted on your mirror. It's a note on your phone that your reference every day. It's a reminder that pops up on your phone all the time, I said, in the health and energy course that I reminded that pops up twice a day to drink a big water. I have another reminder with my words. And then it helps me to feel like am I being that it keeps me in check its accountability and that's pretty significant because of my effort is to be able to be more of who I truly aspire to be and I know is possible. Um, I forget in everyday circumstances I forget may be one of my words is patients, but if you cut me off track, High name I reminder, because of the whole Oh, I don't know, human frailty part. So the other reason why this exercise is very important is if you are who you, who you are aspiring to be and how you care to be perceived is the polar opposite of who you're being and how what other people think of you. What's going to happen is you're going to frequently feel misunderstood and conflicted, misunderstood, confused, conflicted. You are going to feel that way is a common feeling all the time. And it's very difficult to navigate a relationship successfully when you are feeling miss, understood, conflicted and confused. And I noticed this. I have a little bit of, ah, radar that goes up in circumstances where I feel misunderstood. I feel like, Why are we not getting each other? How else can we say this? It feels really uncomfortable to me, And that radar helps me to realize I need to pull back and really work on communicating a lot more clearly because this isn't going so well because we're out of sync so that those air these were part of why these exercises could be very powerful. Tomorrow We just wanted to share a few things. More things that people are saying online. Um, and because there's some really great conversations going on what people are doing and people like terror saying it's such a powerful exercise. So see, uh, a Getty says, Be positive, present, organized, ambitious and happy but perceived as responsible listener, open minded, confident and inspiring, Which is lovely. Um, and Kalay says being misunderstood is one of the worst feelings it ISS it is. There's a lot of misunderstanding. Feeling misunderstood can have dire consequences, especially when you're at a place where you are feeling, Ah, lot of pressure on you at certain stages in your life. The teen years come up, you know, when you're in a very lonely state in your life. Feeling extraordinarily misunderstood makes you feel very alone in this world. And that's an extraordinarily painful feeling toe have for many of us because of how powerful connection is, and it kind of starts right here. This is the root of it. The root of it is just understanding who you want to be and how you want to be perceived, like you have to at least know that before you can tell people you don't get me. Well, are you gaffe at least know where. That that that route part? Yes. Yeah, and we also have a great comment from terror that says, What is interesting to see is this. In the past, I was told I couldn't be kind, sweet and loving to be an assertive brand manager. I worked in a hostile work environment in Mexico, and my boss told me I had to be mean in order to be a leader. It's interesting in doing this exercise to see how I want to be perceived and know that being assertive coexists beautifui beautifully with being kind and passionate. Absolutely, absolutely. And I had that exact same experience. I bet a lot of people can relate that where you're told that you're too sensitive or you're not tough enough, and you need to really work on that when in fact that's going against who you are aspiring to be. And then you feel so out of sync with what you're doing and the people around you that's not abnormal. Play in the business. Yes, especially as a creative yeah, as a female, but also many, many males. We feel like they're too sensitive for what they're doing, you know, because they're told that consciously or unconsciously, I have to tell you this whole workshop and the health and energy one this falling under the umbrella of the all in one life courses. You know, I'm completely aware that this, for me personally, is putting myself out for, you know, comments and this and who uses crude, you know, but who I want to be. If one of my words isn't afraid of being intimidated, then I need to kind of move around that, um well, what else is very interesting to me about this exercise just from some of you and what some you kind of said, if you look at what a lot of people post on social media, a lot of the words that I'm hearing said, nobody says I want to be snarky and rude and mock people like nobody says that that's what they want to be at the core of on this one life. I'm not going to say there's not possible every incarnation cause I believe, But in this one life right here, if who you want to be, are these really noble, beautiful things and you're acting in a way that's that's cruel and it's at the expense of others. And it's, you know, posting things like I freakin hate it with that That that and putting that energy out. If that's there's a disconnect there, that probably doesn't feel good for you because that's not who you want to be. And certainly it's not how a lot of people want to be perceived. So it's important to kind of start there doesn't mean you can't be funny and silly and goofy and, you know, tease people. But when you start getting into crueler territory that makes other people feel misunderstood and attacked and alone, is that who you want to really be? Is a pretty important question. Um, okay, so one of having those words, obviously I think, are very helpful. What else is helpful is understanding a few key concepts that affect your interactions with others. Whatever way, you're interacting with other people. And let's start with ruthless re prioritization. I consider this, um, for composition and for life schedule. I think it's very important. Everybody I know, everybody I know is so busy, everybody, do you know anybody, just everybody and is this has been true for years and years. Everybody is so Oh my God, Cray, Cray Busy everybody. And I don't doubt that you are, because if we have down time to fill, we know at a village way don't have to look for it. It's pushed to us. Well, unless you're somewhere in the woods, quiet and alone without an Internet connection, it is being pushed to you through news through media, through obviously, Internet newspapers, people, dogs, that I'm gonna bring dogs in this whole five days. And so why are we so busy? First and foremost, But since your intention, we fill our days with things that we feel like we have to dio. Even outside of getting distracted and stuff, we feel like we have to do it. It's important when people say prioritise, that re prioritize that people said love to its all important. What ruthless re prioritization is is spending time on determining what really matters to you the most, isolating that list and then cutting out the rest so you can have more clean space on your calendar. Why do I say that that matters here in terms of looking more clearly, your calendar is that I can tell you, um, and this is gonna come up a couple times, but I can tell you from personal experience and certainly a great deal of experience of other people that by being so busy you can absolutely busy yourself out of a marriage. You totally can. You can busy yourself out of your friendships. You will talk to many grown adults who will tell you that they busy themselves out of their entire Children's childhood. And if they had to do it again, what would they dio? We are so busy. Take five friends anywhere in the world. Have the Malton that 66 It has to be an even number. Take six friends anywhere in the world, have them all, call each other and try to get to get together for dinner next Friday night. Half of them will not be able to make it foreshore because they're so busy all the time. It's unusual to get a large group of people of friends together unless people are out of town altogether at a conference or a workshop or something like that, where they have the blessing of a white schedule outside of the things that are required as part of the program. That's why people tend to be more social when they go away, because at home it doesn't matter what's on their counter. All they have to do is look around. Oh, our laundry. Oh, dishes. Oh, homework, etcetera. It kind of crowds you in, and it blinds you to the fact that that's not what matters to you the most. It's just what's in front of you all the time. So route this report ization absolutely has an effect on relationships because you can't have relationships when you have no time for them, know who you are real over perfect or a term that I heard that I love, um perfection is pure fiction. I love that. So let me share something that should be a stress reliever for you. Ready? This is awesome. You if you're human, you were not born to be perfect. Like like no joke. You were born a real human being. You were not born to be perfect unless your dog, in which case you were definitely perfect. But if you were bored of human being, the reason why that matters is because we spend so much time time trying to be perfect. No. And what that does We talked a little bit earlier about the idea of the pressure on you. Teoh kind of be everything. If you're in a situation with somebody and you're having interaction and you say something and they say it back to you and actually they have a better point. If you have to be perfect, you can't concede that you can't concede the point. You can't acknowledge them. You can't praise them. You can't say that's a really good point. I like that so much better than I said. I'm gonna go with what you said. I can't do that. And some people feel that simply by acknowledging imperfection, they're throwing the entire Selves under the bus that they don't have enough confidence to be able to be wrong some of the time. And that's what that's what this desire to be perfect to take from us. You can argue me, Think it's assert. Yeah, because, uh, what I see is perfect is if I can't concede that you're right. Then I'm being perfect. If I can't concede, that is, I am being perfect. Okay, so it's your interpretation of the word perfect. What? You're wrong. Your interpretation of the word perfect is you are aspiring that a perfect human being is entirely okay with being in perfect. Yes, yes. Most of us don't care. Most of us aren't there. I think there's a lot of the little to that To be a perfect human being in the context of who we're meant to be, is to be completely in love with our imperfections and to embrace them and say at the more the more evolved I am is a human being, the more enlightened I am, and the more I have to bring to any relationship I am means I can let all of that go and not get tripped up on the fact that I was wrong. That is one definition of perfection. Another definition of perfection is the one that most of us consider when we think about society, which means that we have to do everything as a swell as we can. And we have to when we're in a discussion with somebody else that we want to win, and yet but But would you guys agree that that's Mawr of, unfortunately, the norm. That's more the norm. I completely see what you're saying and I agree with that. Um but if if I can say that it takes nothing away from me for you to be more right than I am that means I'm embracing a lack of perfection and myself as a positive. The society that is deficient. That is how I'm being more me like Yes, yes. And that's where we want to move. Teoh. We want to go to their going to There is a lot easier than trying so hard to defend a point because we feel like saying I am wrong means everything about me is wrong. Um, no is a complete sentence. I love this. I saw this on a T shirt and I said, Amen. I know. I say with an active Amen. No, is a complete sentence. If you find yourself saying yes far too often, consider why consider why you're saying yes to so many things. Are you uncomfortable conflict? Are you afraid of disappointing somebody? Are you inherently afraid that you say no to a client that you lose their business for life? I do a lot of business coaching and amount of times I say people get so tripped off in lyric. I can't do that. I don't know what to say. How do I say to them? You can say no to a client and keep a client that still works? It just a matter of how you do it. So I want to take a little story when being nice goes off the rails. Just a short little vignette I Before I met my husband, I was dating a guy for two years on and off. Get break. Not I really liked them, but I was pretty sure it was gonna work out. We had this big final dinner to be able to say goodbye for sure, And at the dinner, unbeknownst to me before the dinner, he had went and bought engagement ring, and he asked me to marry him, and I was trying to be nice. That's a lot of the reason why I end up. Not saying now is I'm trying to be nice. I'm trying to be kind. It's from the place of good intention. It's always from a place of good intention. I say yes, because I want to be kind and nice and consider the other person. Unfortunately, what happens is I end up saying no to what I really want and who I truthfully am, which is somebody wants to say no right there in this situation. I This is nice going off the rails. I ended up kind of blabbering for about 15 minutes about Well, you know, I just I don't ever feel like we ever really found her place. And I think that we tried to work through it, but we never really did on and on and on. And at the end of the dinner, I thought I had communicated No, in the kind ist generals way possible. He asked if we could get together for dinner one more time. At the next dinner, he gave me a bigger engagement ring. That's nice going off the rails. That was me being less kind to him and to me that if I just said no very clearly in a complete sentence in the beginning, that's somewhat of an extreme example. I'll save you all the follow up details on that. I wonder if he's listening, but the what I learned from that and I did learn from that is be clear with your no, make it a complete sentence. And if you're trying to be kind and you're just stretching things out, you can cause way more damage for both parties over the long term in any sort of relationship situation, instead of just saying no and making sure it's a complete sentence and it's clearly and kindly communicated.