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Relationships with Children: Guest Jenny Solar

all right, that is the perfect leading. That is the perfect leading Teoh. Our next segment, which is going to start with the Children. Do you want TOC there? Any questions from the break? I pull this Aperol quick. I'm sure there's a ton of questions. Comments with great. Well, a lot of the people in chat were actually enquiring about how you implement the spreadsheet. I know that was something that we're talking about really excited about, so you feel it all out and you see your percentages. And then what happens next? How you make sure that it's balanced or who's doing what, and you make sure that it's beneficial to you. Fantastic. So if you saw him there right before I brought Steve on, who did it before I brought Steve on. I talked about the fact that the reason The way you want to use this as you sit down, you do that. Exercise all the steps that Steve said that are included in the download. But then you actually have to have a review period that you designate, and it could be diff...

erent for everyone, but a couple weeks of just seeing how it's going with these new established kind of rolls on, Ben, you review it again. You step through it again and say, Do you feel like this is making sense If you feel like one of the things that's been assigned to you, You thought you give it a go, but you absolutely hate it and you don't feel like you do it really well. That's where you start talking about outsourcing, whether it means that you have somebody else literally. I don't want to move on. You know, one another lawn. This leads to bigger questions. Maybe we hire a lawn service. Or maybe we say we don't even use the way, Don't want along. Some of the things that spread she could be used before is to get you to stop and think about how much you are beholden to. It can get you thinking about minimizing the clutter and the things in your life. Maybe you have a 5000 square foot home and a one acre guard, and you don't want to take care of all the things in it, and you don't want to take of the yard, and you'd be happier people and have less stress on you as a couple if you moved into a smaller place and had a smaller patch of land around you, and that allows you to focus more on each other and not spend so much time on just maintenance. And that's what The spreadsheet, when Steve talked about clarity, that spreadsheet shows you the hours you are spending, and that is very eye opening for some people. If you have a lot of stuff you have, you have a lot to care for and you now have to do all that work. Maybe that's not the choice. You want to make that that's how you want to spending so many hours in your life. So that's that's pretty important on that. That's what that does that review and that sitting down and having that clarity together, that's what that could do for you. We certainly ended up doing a massive decluttering in our home when we realized how much we were just constantly taking care of. Why do we have all this stuff on? We never missed any of it, so that's another thing to consider. So where we left off, we were talking about things you know, a lot of what we talk about are conflicts and how we resolve them and then the new methods we can use. It's not just methods, but it's checking in with each other. That's the biggest thing is, how are you feeling about this on def. We can get more comfortable with each other using language that feels vulnerable or uncomfortable. That is actually more true than any other word you'd use. Like I get a little frightened when we get here. I get anxious I get. My feelings are hurt if you can use those those words that allows the other person to kind of soften and be kinder with you. And we talked about how affection over contempt affection is incredible, one of those core tools and keeping relationships alive and happy over time the fundamental thing that I want you to take out of the idea of conflict management Right before we jump into relationships with Children, there's also conflict. The fundamental thing I want you to walk out of there is realizing is never about a limiting conflict. Your things are gonna come up and you're gonna need to discuss them. It's about knowing that the other person cares and that you show them that you care how they feel in the midst of what this issue is. And I love this quote. In the end, there doesn't have to be anyone who understands you. There just has to be someone who wants to. That takes a lot of pressure off. It's OK if you'd understand why I feel this way in this argument and you feel the opposite. I just want you to I want to feel like you want to know how I feel and you want to try to understand. Um, OK, so relationships with Children I have three Children. You just met them all. I love them very, very much. I mentioned earlier that they can be Obstacles are considered sometimes the not the Children of the obstacles, but the way you've decided to raise them can be an obstacle in a relationship. I know that some people don't feel comfortable being disciplinarians, and yet there's part of that that you have to do as a parent. I want to make the distinction that there is quite a difference between being a having the job of raising Children as a parent and also saying, I want to be a buddy and I would have fun and I want to have a loose and easy going experience with my kids That's like friend and parent. This segment is focused on building a good quality relationship with your Children so that over time there's always an open door. You want to be able to establish some level of trash, So when things are tough to communicate, they know they can go to you and have this sort of trust. So we're gonna have to guests joining us today to speak to this. Our first guest, Jenny Soul, are from the happy family movement is living what she's about to talk about, which is they do this summer bucket list. And if you got a happy family movement dot com, you can see a lot about this. But there, this bucket list for what they want to do over the summer and then go do things right now, what they're doing is traveling through. I believe they're in the Dakotas right now. They're traveling through. They just tried out camping. I think they've decided they're not camping people, but she's joining us from like I think she was going to try to find a Starbucks, that some some wall in a clean space and Starbucks to come join us so we could have Jenny join us from wherever in the world she is. That would be lovely. She's gonna join us via Skype. Hey. Hi, Tamarick. So, Jenny, you and I know each other. I have met you recently and I had a chance to speak. Actually met you before, but I saw you recently speak in the Dominican Republic. You spoke at the what if conference about Thesiger nif IQ Unz of knowing why you are doing the business you're doing on. I was very struck by your why you have developed the happy family movement. You and your husband, Josh Solar. Do you want to tell us a little bit about that? Your experience and your in your Why your motivation? Yeah. Yeah. Wait. I'm so sorry before I like I know, right? Thank you. I'm so glad this is a real time also, I was just talking about not interrupting. I was also talking about that before that, though. Can you tell us a little bit more about the happy family movement to give us a little context. Yeah. So the happy family movement is we have a website and a blawg. And basically, we're just trying to document our own family on this journey. Teoh, create this close knit, loving, happy family, the kind that I did not have growing up, but I really, really want. So we're just trying to document what our family is doing to try to get that relationship and then trying to share that love with the world and inspire other people to do the same thing. Wonderful. Wonderful. OK, so you mentioned did not have that. Can you share a little bit more about your Why? Yeah, honestly. All gonna goes back to my childhood. Um, I had a really, really rough childhood, and I know a lot of times people don't. They see the things that we're doing with our kids. They think, Oh, you guys must have had a great childhood. And then you just grew up in our recreating that for your kids. But I actually had the opposite. I had a really traumatic childhood. I have a twin brother, and then I have a brother who's five years younger than me. But When my twin brother and I were two years old, her parents got divorced and then we never got to see our dad again. After that, my mom just decided that, uh, she didn't want to let us see him. And then when we were eight years old, he died. So I never got to have any kind of relationship with my dad at all. And I never really had a father figure anyone and my mom from the high when she was a teenager. Just either. PRESTA, for like, even still today has had a serious drug problem. And because of that, I think it's really affected the way that she's able to have relationships with other people. So when I was a kid, I basically grew up really fast, and I took care of my brothers. Um, just in a really bad environment. She was very abusive and she didn't work. She didn't clean. She didn't do anything. She stole money from me. She lied to me. She was just really manipulative and growing up. I think all my friends, they just had these normal what seemed like normal families where people actually got along or liked each other. Maybe they did things together as a family, and I just did not have that growing up. I basically had myself and my brothers that I took care of and because of that. Now, um, you know, I always knew when I was a kid that there was something missing. I just couldn't quite place it cause I was a kid and I just always thought, Oh, you know, she's just He just isn't good, mom. But what I realized when I have my own kids is that, um, I really think the drugs had such a profound effect on her that she just wasn't able toe love. Because now that I have my own kids and I I realize what kind of relationship parents and kids should have and that kind of love and I realized that I just didn't have growing up at all. And so now that I have my own family, it's really, really important to me that my kids just grow up knowing that they're special and they're important and that their loved and that really they're all that matters to me and my husband and my kids. I love and thank you so much for sharing that that is probably not fun. Toe relive and to go over. And it's interesting because you say, in the context of as a kid, you saw other people having different childhoods. But you don't. Nobody says this is how it supposed to be. You're just like, Well, this is what I'm experiencing. Um, you obviously decided to break the pattern of that very consciously on. And And I think the old adage, which I think is really powerful, is that hurt People hurt. And often what the pattern is is you grow up in a way like that, where you don't feel loved and you don't feel cared for. And then you continue that with your Children. I think the fact that you stopped and pulled back and you and your husband decided that's not what we're gonna do going forward, we are going to change that and break that pattern. I think it's very commendable. So congratulations on that. Definitely on, Ben. So with the happy family movement, you are also doing ah, program. You're doing programs with intentional parenting, right? Yeah. How do you distinguish parenting from intentional parenting? Well, I think you know none of us. We can't really say we know what we're doing. Um, it's all kind of learn as you go, which I've learned from our oldest son is now 8.5. So we have a and 1/2 6.5 and our little Stearns five in a couple of weeks. And it's one of those things that seems like you read books and you feel like you should know what you're doing. But I think, really, we're all just figuring out as we go. But one thing that Josh and I have realized is that we can be really intentional and the things that we do with our kids. And by doing that, we can create this this bond with our Children that we do want instead of just expecting that we're gonna hang out and do things as a family, and it's just gonna be great all the time. We can really plan I had and make sure that things that we're doing with them are gonna have the effect that we want. Wonderful. And then you told me I remember chatting with you guys. You had a couple of actual techniques that you use at home Just about my head. I remember something about like, um, cash. There's a name to it. There's someone that, like eight your phones when you came home or something. What was it, Ned? The IPhone monster share with us about the IPhone monster. Ned. His name is his name is Ned. Um So Josh and I got her IPhones a couple of years ago, and I think, like everybody else, it seems we got really into them. It's it's hard. And actually, we were at a pizza place here in South Dakota last night. We set down at a table in the family next to us. That was a family of five. Every single one of them were on their phone the entire dinner. No one spoke nothing. Everyone was on their electron ICS, and I think we were kind of realizing we're on a path to doing that. You know, we're always checking Twitter or updating Facebook or whatever. And so one day we just decided. Okay, enough is enough. The phones are great. And, you know, they do a lot of really awesome things, but we tend to get carried away. So I got out of Kleenex box, and he wrapped it in tissue paper and the kids made tissue, paper, hair and eyeballs. We named him Ned, the IPhone monster, and so on our kitchen counter, and we've kind of empowered our kids Teoh to come up and tell us Net is hunger. You know, we're just constantly on our phone and their mom, Mom, Mom, trying to get my attention, and I, you know, I'm just zoned out. They'll, you know they'll bring in net and say, Mom, Net is hungry and we'll put the phone in net. And it's kind of a way to give the IPhone a time out and maybe focus on the kids and not be lost in social media. Wonderful. And I'm guessing as they get older and they start having more of their electron ICS. Ned will also be eating there like comics to yes, absolutely. And we actually, sometimes we'll have friends coming over, and our kids will notice that maybe we're all eating dinner and one of the friends is on the phone and they'll go get net and they'll bring him and set him on the table and say, That's hungry. Your phone away So I'm hoping that it's a good start that maybe once they get into the age where you know, they're heavily relying on electron ICS to that, maybe they can kind of stop that cycle before it even starts. Yes, absolutely. Do you have another kind of technique like that? You do. I just happen to remember that because I was chatting, thinking we need to Neymar monster. I love that. Yeah, um, you know, one of the things that I know you kind of mentioned at the beginning like the summer bucket list, that that's another thing that we do as a family to be really intentional about our time together. So at the beginning of the summer, we make a list of all the things that we want to do that summer, and then we actually spend the whole summer going out and having these great experiences as a family instead of getting to the end of the summer sun and the kids back to school and saying, Well, what did we actually do this summer? Yeah, So what? It's doing things on the list on our list this summer. Let's see, um, go to Amusement Park, which we went to Disneyland. When we were in California, we had bonfire at the beach, which we also did blueberry picking. We did that about a week and 1/2 ago, right before we left on this trip. So a lot of the things are like, Well, I'm watching the fireworks on the Fourth of July at the park, So some of the things are family traditions for us, Like the fireworks we Every year we bike the like three miles to the park so we don't have to fight the traffic. We have a great city fireworks displaced. We bike up to the park, watch the fireworks. And then this was the first year that we all biked home together cause we brought the girls in the bike trailers and Max was old enough to write home and biking home. So the city where we live fireworks are legal, so biking home from the park. It's about a 20 minute bike ride home, and people are just setting off fireworks all around, and it's just really incredible. So for us, it's also about following three with those family traditions, too, right, and that's that last part. The follow through is really good because you could come have all these plans and then get busy and then say Sorry, kids, we don't time. And what we don't know, because we're going, going, going is that could be deeply disappointing to them because our worldviews are a little different. They definitely are. And that's something we has really been hitting home for me this week to since we've been traveling, because it's always interesting. The our perspective as adults of what we think is important or maybe is going to be the most fun is very different from what our kids. And so when we're making that summer bucket list or other things like that, we really ask for input from the kids to and make sure that, um, you know, for my kids some of the things they love the most or catching fireflies and getting ice cream from ice cream man. So it's really simple. It's not. Oh, we have to go to Disney World for a week, you know? Oh, I got to spend $8 on ice cream from the ice cream truck. You know, those are the things often times that you know, our kids are easily impressed. Yes and funny, because the, you know, one of things we talked about during the photography workshop that we just did for three days is that one of the most powerful moments Teoh photograph is actually anticipation of something about to occur. And I think that's true in our lives as well that the whole concept isn't just the doing of the things on your bucket list. It's the creation of the list, right? Right, right. So actually, making the summer bucket list is a tradition for us, and the kids talk about all year. I mean, it'll be Christmas, and now I'm like, Oh, we need to put this on our summer bucket list and especially our youngest Leah. She gets really excited. It could be the most random thing. I'll say, Oh, we need to go to Trader Joe's and by, um, cinnamon rolls and should like summer bucket lift. Probably not going on her summer bucket list, but I think it you just get really excited about it. So the you guys also dio a challenge with this right? You also have other people kick in. We dio we do. So, um, it's a free challenge, and it basically we just have people sign up, and then we just encourage them and kind of walk them through the steps of making their own summer bucket list, declaring it to the public and then kind of making it creative and fun and then actually checking things off all summer. And so we have giveaways all summer and just to get people excited. And the best part about it is just the e mails and Facebook messages that we get from people saying this was so great because we always get to the end of summer and don't you know, didn't do anything. And that's exactly why we created for ourselves. And it's so awesome to hear that to find out that other people are doing that, too. And this summer we have almost 4500 families signed up that are doing the challenge with us. Wow, that's amazing. And you, you have a few other really good ideas on there, too, in terms of, you know, I know one of them is like a road trip plan and just other kind of cool stuff that because part of part of the challenge, I believe with very busy people who happen to have Children. It's not that they don't want to do these things, but it takes time and effort, and you've got to sit down and create some sort of, and you kind of taken some of the work out of that on the site. Yes, yes, we have, like an outdoor adventure guide and an indoor adventure guide. And each of those have 15 really unique and fun activities for families, and it takes all the work out of it. All you have to do is is look at it, pick up whatever you need for that and then actually do it. You don't have to sit down and come up with the idea or spend hours on Pinterest. And then we also have a road trip kit that comes with everything you need to have an incredible road trip and create lots of really fun memories with your family. And again, it takes a lot of the planning and the effort out of it, because I know at the end of the day, for me, it does comes down to time in the amount of effort that you have to put into things Yes, Absolutely. So where can we learn more about you and Josh? You have to give him a hug for me. By the way. And Onda Happy family movement, our website isn't happy. Family movement dot com or bloggers right on there. And you can find us on facebook at facebook dot com backslash the happy family movement. And we're also on Twitter and Instagram and our our handle is at happy. Bam M v Mt Wonderful! Wonderful! Okay, well, thank you so much for joining us. Really appreciate it for having me. Tamra, it was so great high Take care.