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Social Media Relationships & Q & A

the, uh no. I mentioned to you that I wanted to blend social media with friendship here. I just wanted to touch on a couple points that I thought were really interesting. There's a really interesting concept here about the social emergent process process. After that, in the download about social media, it's not as relevant to our point, but one of the reasons why these genuine friendships deserve the time and the focus we give them is a really interesting study here. 24% of Americans and 28% of British respondents admit to exaggerating or lying on a social network about who they've met or what they've done. A lot of us aren't really ourselves on, like at all often Andi that and that's just the people who admits do it, who admit to it it's a larger number. A lot of times we're having friendships with people who aren't really who we think they are. Another thing that I thought was really fascinating this was this survey was done on bad do by the way it was a large survey they did. 24% of...

people said they'd actually missed out on important moments in person while they were living it because they were too busy documenting the experience they were having for other people to know. 39% said they absolutely spend more time associate socializing online than in real life. 40%. 40% of people today say that that's true. 20% say they prefer texting or communicating online to talking in person. That's not a bad thing if it's very, very awkward, especially for a child, and you want them to have that avenue. But when you're older, you kind of want to be able to say things to each other's faces on and 33% people are likely to speak to someone new online than in person. It's easier to be courageous and strike up a friendship if I don't have to look right in your face. Pause. Yeah, go back to that. Yeah, frightening. 39% of people spend more time socializing online than in real life, you know, I think that's a fair. I actually thought it was a little low, really. In this day and age, I think that's a little low Wow of the people I know, they air more comfortable having they consider a lot of their social activities happening on Facebook on Twitter and Google. Plus on Instagram. Think about how often you get together with friends in your everyday life versus how often you check your Facebook status. If you were to put those numbers together, I think that's not that far off. I'm not saying it's a good thing. No, no, it's not far off. Didn't think you were just wanted to take a Yeah, that is like when we were growing up, you know, five years ago, years ago. I don't know. 18 months ago, before that social network even existed, Yeah, we flocked to it very, very quickly. And because if you see here because it resolves a lot of issues we have, if we feel uncomfortable talking to people in person, we can now socialize in a way that doesn't require that instead of working on our ability to have eye contact, that I gazing exercise that's a little more work than just logging in. I mean, that statistic alone gives me like the reason why we're having this course right now is that it's it's just challenging. Yes, absolutely, absolutely. Um, which makes me ask, Are we spending time with those who matter most to us? Um, without going into crazy detail? This S S T theory just basically says that people want two things from a relationship. They want information like, Hey, do you know the best restaurant or can introduce me to this person or whatever the case might be? And they want emotional closeness. Everything you think about that you get from a friendship is boiled down into these two areas. And over time, when you start to realize when people age or when they have some sort of life threatening illness or they have a really good idea, they have a life shock in their moment, some shock that wakes them up and says, Wow, I'm not here that long. That emotional closeness part becomes the whole picture. The information's a small part of it doesn't matter as much. The emotional closeness is what we care about the most. This would be a really cool exercise for people to do just, you know, kind of think about who are the people that matter to me the most. What I keep saying over and over again in this course is you got to start with knowing who is my core relationship. Which one or two people maybe are my core relationship? Maybe I'm the the closest ever with my dear, dear friend and my wife. Okay, Um, who would you say in that realm of we talked about? What? What's a close relationship? Those people that you genuinely trust that you feel like you could be very intimate with and vulnerable. And you don't feel like they're gonna backstab or talk about you or gossip that you really feel that those degrees of trust. We talked about that, that they fit a lot of that for you on Ben friendships, actual friendships that people you want to see in person. And then that huge area, which is acquaintances and contacts That would be probably the 80,000 friends on Facebook, etcetera. And then outside of that, of course, are people that, like it's a name or face on social. You know, it's someone in the network, someone a za member of your associative community. I don't know him. He's a photographer, but I kind of know of his name, etcetera. That's but taking a time to sit down and do this exercise for yourself helps provide a lot of clarity in terms of where do you want to spend your time? Because you cannot say I'm gonna spend a great deal of time with 15 dear friends. You probably don't have the time to do that. I'm not saying you don't have 15 very, very dear friends. But in terms of being able to dedicate your time to having those one on one relationships and having that I contact in that time of those conversations, you probably want to select a court number and make sure you're selecting the ones that you think really matter. Um, because at the end, the day you want to get clear on who truly cares about you in this world and you want to treat them well, a fantastic wow, I was I was ready for you to keep going. I except for the fact that I want to leave on this. Get clear on who really cares about you in this world. Get clear. That's what all this is that what exercises like this? Everything we're talking about This is such a specific thing. Get clear. Fine clarity on who truly cares about you. Hopefully, you truly care about them and treat them very well. That's beautiful. Well, I'd like to just turn it to the studio onions to see if you guys have any final questions or thoughts for tomorrow. Before we do wrap it up, will you all be my friends? I don't just mean you move in the sphere with me. We owe into the certain Did you mean what were your thoughts on the whole social media friendship thing? I think it goes back toe that associating value and not feeling worthwhile and valuable like But I'm friends with Tamra on Facebook. So we're friends, you know? I mean, it's inflating that sense that I don't have real friends, so it makes me feel a little bit better. You know, it's kind of like a buffer. So the buffer zone, what is about the social media era weather? Because we're losing these true life riel, whole friendships and we but for it we feel like, Oh, it's OK because because I some support. And I actually think you know, my personal experience. I I actually feel like I have a couple really good friends who have never physically met in my life. I'm not saying you can't have those friendships. You know, most of you. I didn't meet until the other day, and now I was like, Well, if I met them somewhere, I would sit and hang out. There's not one of you that I wouldn't like say, Yea, that's awesome we obviously need. That's where you decide whether you want to take it to the next level. But that whole kind of the problem with the online world isn't that it's bad and it doesnt lead to great friendships. It's we substituted for what we can do in real life, and we're substituting at a faster and faster pace. Anyone else? Anybody else, I think kind of rough because the world is small. On one hand, you know, I'm thinking you're talking. I'm thinking about all these different friends, and none of them live near me anymore. Either went to college with them or we were friends and we all moved and I can keep up with them on Facebook and local big their kid is now. But it's far is the daily Mnuchin all that like doesn't exist, or it's a lot of effort it on one hand, it isn't in one hand. It is because you post something on Facebook and then like that all here I am. But it isn't coffee or lunch or bringing soup of your sick right live in Washington. I can't see them here. And so, like, how do you reconcile that? And how do you keep replacing friends? So I and I think as you have Children and your other, you know, jobs and stuff, it makes it harder and harder to keep having those friendships. No, I think Palin. So your question is like You want to have the friendships, but you feel like distance and geography and not, And I think this is angiography distance. Is there another side? The world geography is I have to get in my car and drive 20 minutes to her house, and I'm really wiped out at the end, and I don't really feel like I want to do that. I've made that distinction in my own life is something that I realized was a barrier to some of my friendships. Like if you are next door or maybe four doors down, you know that is just easier for me than having to go 30 minutes into the city. Yeah, I think proximity is definitely something. But I also think like there's a line I know. For me, there's only so many people I have the emotional ability to maintain with right, you know, and that my kids and my family like and then I stepped out from that. Remember, you say emotional capacity. Yeah, like I don't feel like you're done. At that point, I only have so much emotional. OK, you know, I'm glad you said that one of the other things that I saw come up is that when people have significant life changes that we're not what they expected, whether or not maybe they had a sudden separation or divorce or a sudden life illness or something. Something shook them up and they suddenly looked around and said, Where'd all my friends go? That is really common phenomenon. And the reason why is because you're not you, You don't. You feel like you've run out of motion passes. You're not investing. You'll soon. They'll be there when you need them. And then when you need them, they're not. That's kind of a lonely, rough place to be, but It's similar to money like you kind of have to keep it. Dollar cost averaging, dollar cost. Average your friendships. You kind of have to keep putting in if you want to be able to collect on what you need when you get there. That's one of the biggest things about relationships. I mentioned Dr Gottesman. It's really hard to say that Dr Gutman's their Love lab in Seattle. I mentioned that earlier how they had with 90% accuracy they could predict if couples would make it. And there were three major predictors that they had indicators and the number one indicator of whether a couple would make it. And this obviously could play out so much in a friendship is, did they put in? Did they put into that? They invested? They noticed the other one in terms of like shared life values and things they cared about in the small time they wanted something. Were they there that actually contributed? It's similar to a banking system. You can't kind of just expect to get the front you want. If you're not slowly putting in overtime, and that includes the times, you don't feel like it. I know I've had a number of times where I'm, like, just going to the movies. I don't wanna move. I'm not gonna bother wearing a hoody because I feel like that. Because I know that at some point I'm gonna want that back. You know, I think that's something that I don't know if it's just me, or I know a lot of people who are not that that statistic of call six friends for dinner only three will make. It may be that numbers drop in. Maybe two friends. I mean, Sarah, you that you're not a couple Hutch. Yeah, Yeah, I know. I'm just taking this on in trying to process, you know, thinking about Yeah, sure. Um my closest. The people that are closest in my heart, a lot of them don't even live near us. And so unlike, are they still closed? I mean, I don't I approximately matter. They're not friends anymore, But I think we do spend a lot of time either, you know, trying to talk on the phone or even Facebook. But just given that, like, yeah. Having the indications? Yeah. Yeah, exactly. And, um do you have, like, because I know you guys kind of live out there, right? Yeah. Yeah. Well, have been sort of a rural community. So you're like, Hey, Yeah, like, you know, 20 minutes to get Teoh are our closest friends might live, you know, 2040 minutes away. The interesting time to go to dinner together. And, yeah, it's an effort. It's a big on our college friends. We try every year to dio an annual holiday dinner. And when we were younger, it was so much right there. Yeah. It was not like when it was like, Where we gonna go? What are we gonna do? It's gonna be so exciting. And now we'll go. It's which Barred which it, right? Exactly. And now where We will start in October Trying to target a date. Yeah, and sometimes were ending up in March. You were like, No, no, no, not that I know. I got the crazy this crazy. Yeah, I've had the same exact things. I have thes two friends who are also very busy, and they both travel for work. And I tried way scheduled a holiday dinner march. Great, because we started in November and we were like, Oh, it was always something. Yeah, And I'm ever saying, You know what? I'm going to delete anything else on my calendar. Just cause I don't I'm embarrassed to be part of this process. We'll do it. Really? What you guys thinking? No, no. We've got other things in our calendar. The end. Everybody has to be able, Teoh. Then prioritize it. Because that also doesn't happen to you could say, Well, I'll be the best friend in the world. But no one else is doing it. Then you get back to square one where you're feeling alone and even a little resentful for being the one to put in the effort and feel like you're not getting a back. Yes, thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. And thank you to all of you again. I just have one final question for you, Tamara. And that is you started this course off saying that you're not a psychologist. It's still true. It's Children. But you put so much time and months into researching all this and I would love to hear in the Internet weight as well. What was what was the biggest personal relationship related insight for you on the impact that this course had for you. Yes. Okay. Thank you, Theo. The Well, what? The impact this course for May is every single time. You know, I chose health and energy because I'm very fascinated. Health energy. I wanted to teach on that. I chose relationships because I realized that was a lot of It's very emotionally affecting for me. My relationships. I care a lot about them, and I think a lot of people do. But mine is like it's right here. Like I'm very aware of how it care about my relationships. So when I say to my friends, it's all get together and nobody could make something happen. Four months, my feelings are hurt. I feel like my feelings were hurt and I say, OK, you know what I can delete number, schedule, Do this. And they're like, Well, it's finally that might do we not all have the same priority on because they care about that. I wanted better figure it out because I care very much about my husband, my Children. I want to figure it out. So when I was doing this research, it was a combination of things that I didn't cover it over the years because I had to personally, But it was also stuff that when you you breed and you put it together and you percent and you teach, it's like, Great got it, got it, got it locked in. And probably the biggest message from all of this that I was left with was that concept of affection was the concept. That affection is incredibly important, like incredibly important. And the one of the first things to go in our lives when we get busy and harried and we feel pulled from his affection like, I'm not gonna be nice to everybody I gotta have to do and the fact that we can express anything in the world if we do so from a place for infection. And we can manage any irritation our life if we can look through the lens of affection. I got back from teaching yesterday and Steve told me that. He said I cried three times watching that I was like, what, three times on And of course, definitely the images from Rwanda were so powerful the but the other one that the one that really stood out to him was the story about the woman who said that when she hears her husband snore, she knows that means he's there. He's home, he's with her. And that is a That's a frame. That's a perspective shift. It's how you see the same behavior just in a different way. So when you're in a conflict with somebody and you're not on the same page and you can't figure it out to stop and view them with affection instead of instead of like seeing them bark at you and say, Wow, he's yelling at me You could look at him and say he seems really emotionally wrought. How can How can I look at this and actually speak in a very affectionate way to make him feel like you open up to me and feel like we're going to reach a compromise together instead of it, like I'm against you in year against me? And so much of that has to do with the way we treat each other way care and even like this morning, every morning I've been leaving the apartment at 7 17 last five days and everyone sound asleep. But I'm walking out and I'm making sure to leave a little affectionate. You know kisses and hugs for everybody because I want to build that in and everything to do because I do feel it. But now I have to prioritize the showing of it. You know that that to me was my biggest take away. Thank you. Thank you. For all of the months of effort that you have put into this of the Internet, so appreciates it as to all of us here. It has been an emotional rollercoaster, transformational for so many people.