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Toxic Relationships

I wanted to touch on toxic relationships. We were going to talk about this a little bit earlier in the program, and then we wanted to make sure we're staying on time. And then we have this incredible live event. So I snuck it back in here because I want to place a distinction on the difference between a toxic relationship and one that you just need to figure some things out on or figure out how to communicate. So you both understand each other. It doesn't mean the person is toxic in a toxic relationship. It doesn't mean the other person's horrible. It's something about your connection that's not working for both of you. Andi. Let's work a little bit to identify what a toxic relationship is. So I think also, we hear this a lot, right? You know, just toxic. What does that actually mean? Toxic relationships, by the way, aren't just in person or romantic relationships, their business relationships there people in social media, Onda, Facebook, Twitter, it's that air attacks IQ influences an...

d hear some of the ways to think about it. Toxic relationships are actually very unhealthy for you, very chemically, emotionally, physically. I mentioned earlier. The effect of stress on your body when you're with somebody who you're constantly feeling badly and we'll talk more specifically about that means you have a physiological response. People wind up with ulcers or twisted topics. I think all these sort of major issues for the results of just being in a relationship that's so unhealthy for you. One of the main ways to identify a toxic relationship is to consider. Do me a favor, consider someone in your life that you think might be a toxic relationship you're having, or a time in your life that you're pretty sure you were having a very toxic relationship. One of the major sources of identification is to suggest when you're with this person, do you feel like everything about you is just fundamentally wrong? Have you ever been had an experience where you just feel like I just Everything about me is wrong, and I'm trying to be myself as much as possible, and I am just Nothing I'm saying or doing seems to be right for this person. Um, it might be that you feel like the only way that you could be a better person would be to be more like them, um, or how they suggest you to be. You frequently feel mocked at, mocked or sneered at by this person or by the connection. The two of you have, um, some of the exchanges that you may have leave you feeling unbelievably drained, like you just did a whole marathon. But all you did was have a five minute talk or you just read one of their posts. Has anybody here? Would would you ever say that you've been in a toxic relationship or experience this meal? You have given a lot today, but you have had that experience. You know what these feelings are? Somebody who's not kneel, giving him a break. Have you ever had an experience where you know you feel like you were in a toxic relationship? You felt like you just couldn't say the right thing with this person. And often this is a romantic situation, but a lot of times it's with a good friend who's been your friend for a very, very long time. And over time, the relationship the connection between you has become toxic in that it's just neither one of you feel good around the other person and nobody is doing anything wrong. It's just you're so in a different place. You're nodding a lot. Do you want to share? I mean, I'll go ahead. I think that it doesn't even necessarily have to be a friend. That could be a family member to Andi. I know that. I've certainly experienced that. I don't know about all of you out there that perhaps the family member might be toxic relationship, but yeah, it can definitely be stressful and very, very challenging. Teoh have that relationship, especially with a family member. When you think that there has to be a relationship there, you can't just can't we break up? Yeah, You are no longer my uncle. Hey, do that right. That's the your destiny. That's what that is. Yeah, eso if you suspect your in a toxic relationship, but you don't know for sure. One suggestion is to simply chronicle your experiences with that person. Keep a light journal, and I would actually say I'm not gonna walk around the journal hot like a notes, file my phone or in Evernote notebook, keep it light journal and just say, How do you feel when you know you're about to see them. Member at physical intelligence. Does your stomach crunch up to feel like you have a headache suddenly, out of nowhere? Um, how do you feel after you leave them? If you're constantly writing things like I feel like crap, they exhaust me. I'm frustrated. I'm tired of feeling all the raw wrong all the time, just for being me. Those air good signs that this is probably a toxic relationship are toxic connection. Um, if you feel like you have to act more like someone they'll approve of and it feels like a stretch for you. That's a really good sign that this is probably a toxic relationship. If you feel like you wish, you could hire a judge and a lawyer to mediate every one of your conversation, so at least somebody could acknowledge your point. That's probably a good the indication that this is a tax of relationship. But the primary overriding way to identify it is you feel like in your your in a relationship that just takes and takes and takes and takes, So that's a really good way to be able to say What do I feel? And that's different than we just can't seem to talk about certain things, or we have obstacles that we need overcome. That's very different than something where it just feels like you really would both feel healthier and better if you're not in each other's lives anymore. And that also transitions into social media. There are people that just you just feel down and drained when you read about what they have to say. Those air good indicators. So, uh, the other thing is that in terms of a lot of what this whole course has been about, as I've discussed with you is like, how do we make things better? How do we go from a functional relationship to a thriving relationship? How do we work through issues? How do we recognise obstacles and find great ways to communicate? I wanted to bring up toxic relationships because sometimes that's actually worse for everybody. It's just worse to keep going down the road and trying to fix in, fix it. Fix eso wanted just kind of comment on where you're actually gonna cause more harm in some of these situations. Let's go toe friendships. Any other questions on the toxic relationships I know that's a little bit of a downer, but I personally have certainly experienced times or somebody just is constantly draining me and I I am bringing them. And it really was better to just simply not be friends anymore. Um, Kenna. But we do have several several folks engaged in this in the chat room. Um, and a question from Melinda Stefan is, can a toxic relationship also come through just as energy? Even if you just walk past someone? Or do you? Do you see it as a bigger uh? So you're saying, Can a relationship be toxic and you walk past somebody or you hate its power? And there's a feeling, Yeah, just an energetic the XO, especially if you're a very sensitive person. Who here, by the way, what identify themselves is a very sensitive person? Yeah, and that's that Statistically would bear out is true in the creative field that percentage of Children like 15 to 20% but in the credit field it's higher. So that actually makes a lot of sense to me. Way tend to gravitate towards doing things that allow us to capitalize on our sensitivity and certainly being a visual artists of some sort is very much that. But the I think what you can absolutely do is feel a sense. We've all probably met someone were like, Oh, I don't know what it is, but something about them is just dark and mean, and I just I don't know why, but I really feel that it doesn't mean they are all that, but some. But you're tuned into something that your body is giving you a message. I think you can absolutely have toxic interactions. Yes, Yes, we do have one more question. This is interesting. How do you handle it if it's your mother in law Mother question and probably a common one s. Oh, wow. Do I have an answer to that? That I think I could actually back up with research and be actually, yeah. So pulling back a little bit if you feel like the exchanges you have are extraordinary toxic, but like you were mentioning earlier something that you can't put this person out of your life. And now you're the additional layer of complexity where the person you love once that person in their life, I'm going off the assumption that the mother in law that your spouse wants to maintain a relationship with his mother. So assuming that is true and you have to kind of figure out that obstacle, I think that's partly where you have to be extraordinarily communicative with your husband. And I mentioned some of the obstacles as it relates Teoh those top six obstacles we work through. I had to get that down a six like the top 10 mother in law's father in law's extended families. Always in there. It's always in that thing because we need to make the transition as people in a relationship to saying I now can tell you this is my primary relationship and I love you guys very much. But I have to prioritize this person. That's a complex thing. And but But that conversation needs to happen. And that commitment needs to be stated so that if that commitments been stated that you are my primary, you, my wife, our my primary relationship. I love my mother very much. But you do have to come first. Um, after that's been stated, then you could be able to have that conversation with your husband that just says I feel very toxic exchanges with her. I need you to create healthy barriers for me, I knew, due to create more healthy barriers for me. And that means expectations, setting in terms of how often you see each other, how far the dialogue and go one really good example. I can give you a really good example is that you simply say I need you to minimize the time that I'm left alone with her. I need you to be there, and I need you to be a safeguard even if you're just in the room. Because often what you find in these toxic relationship is they don't really flourish in full toxicity till you're alone with that person. That's very common eso I think by making sure you establish Thedc Anak Shin first on the primary commitment here first and then saying I need you to be my safe place when we're in the storm of her. I think that's a very fair way to handle that