Lessons

Lesson Info

Harness Kindness as Your Hidden Super Power with Adrienne Bankert

Hello, everyone. And good morning. Good afternoon or good evening. Wherever in the planet, you might find yourself at this particular moment. I'm Chase Jarvis, and I want to welcome you to Creativelive and the Chase Service Live Show here on Creativelive, where I sit down with the world's most amazing people and I do everything I can to unlock their brains with the goal of helping you live your dreams and career in hobby and in life. And I am well aware that you are not here for me, that you are here for our esteemed guest today. So before I welcome her, I want to just take care of a little bit of housekeeping and invite you to participate in the conversation today and the best place for your viewing experience. I don't know where you're watching it, but the best places that creative live dot com slash tv And I say it's the best Onley because I see your comments and your questions first. There I do see questions and comments from Facebook, Live and YouTube, live and instagram live and ...

periscope and whatnot. I get those about 20 seconds delayed. In any case, I will do everything I can to elevate your questions, comments and thoughts and as a starter to get things warmed up, I'd love to know where you are on the planet right now. Let us know where you're coming in from. Um, I do. I'm already seeing some far off places, so I wanna welcome you. It's morning here for me on the West Coast, the U. S. Our gassed is in New York. So before we go live to New York, I would life. I love Thio. Introduce Adrian Bank art. She's an Emmy, an Edward R. Murrow Award winning correspondent for ABC News, Good Morning America, World News Tonight and Nightline. She's reported live from Chiang Rai, Thailand, during the rescue of those 13 boys in the soccer coach that you are probably well aware of as the world watched that historic rescue. She has also traveled to London to cover the royal wedding of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. She was the first network journalist to report live from the scene when police officers were massacred in Dallas, Texas, in 2016. Her compelling interviews are what first caught my attention, and now she's got a new book out which also caught my attention We're gonna be talking about. But she has interviewed guests ranging from wounded warriors to celebrities like Lady Gaga, Bradley Cooper, the Rock Dwayne Johnson, round runners and a lot more. And we're excited to have her today on the show to talk about her hidden superpower and what she believes is also yours. And that is kindness. Adrian banker, Welcome to the show. Okay, thank you so much for having me. And I love your intro video. By the way, I would love one for myself. So we Oh, okay. You got it. You got it. Happy to. It's It's only 10 years in the making right now had shows years old, and we keep tweaking it. But thanks for the the shout out. We were making small talk just before we went live. And first of all, I want to congratulate you from the on the book. And second of all, how in the world they decide to hang your hat and or write an entire book on what seems like the most simple topic, which is kindness. Yeah, That's exactly what I thought I thought This is simple. Why would I write a book on it. My mentor had actually suggested suggested. I know what you write your book on. You write your book on kindness and I'm thinking, why one chapter? Why, Hayley, I what am I going to write about? But really years before, just based on being in this industry, you know, it's funny because his name is Bill Crouse. He actually said to me, He's like, You need to start going to a certain level of medical care because the stress of the industry is so intense. We wanna make sure that you're taking care of your body because your body is essentially the, you know, conduit with which you work if you don't have your health and you don't have anything right and with kindness, he really was very intentional about, like training me on empathy with my crew and my producers. My photographers actually wrote a whole chapter on it, and yeah, and for me, it's been something where I've noticed that in high pressure environments, deadlines, um, intense personalities, you have to have a measure of discipline and yet still stay nimble enough to give the right response and to make sure the project happens, but do it in a way where your relationship stay intact because you don't want to burn bridges. I'm sure this is true across the board, but it's specifically true in media. And so I had been in an intentional kindness practice for over a decade, and once I sat down to start writing about kindness, I realized I had a lot more to say. So yeah, that's how it happened. I love it. And I also shared before we were recording that my wife is a meditation of mindfulness teacher with a focus on practice called loving kindness. And that is when you're in your book. First came I've been sort of trying toe orient myself in the same way that your book comes from. Uh, not just because it's an advantage, as you've also framed it as, ah, superpower, um, at work and in other places. But it just feels good to be kind. Those moments where you look back and you and how you made someone else feel are, um, are powerful. But it's so much bigger than that. And that is part of where I wanted to start, Uh, in your in your book. You articulate a really interesting back story of that. In fact, that's how you got your first national gig. And yeah, And to me, this is You know, I think kindness as a ah fuzzy topic sounds interesting, but I'm trying to for anyone who's tuned in. And we have people from South Africa got people from Portugal, Portugal, London. Yeah, Lisbon's in the house, of course. New Jersey. Nice to see you. Nice to see you in New Jersey. Minnesota? Minnesota? Uh, what do we got here in Los Angeles? Orange County. Anyway, we've got people all over the world tuned in, and I'm trying to get to the practical part of kindness because kindness, for kind of sake. Of course. That's what we're Yeah. Most people were raised, like, be kind to others. That being said, your point of view is that it's also very practical. And I want you to start with that. Absolutely. So, yeah, I've been wanting to be on national TV for many, many years, and I had worked diligently uh, Thio increase my resume so that I could have all the necessary skills to be there. Um, but it wasn't until I left Dallas Fort Worth and was looking for another gig to make more of a climb to doom or to expand my myself to stay more flexible. That a woman who'd known me my entire career she called the G M of the station in L. A. That I'd end up working for and she called her up and she said, You need to work with Adrian Banker. I've never heard her say a bad word about anyone and again, like, I'm not perfect. I've said things that I definitely shouldn't have said. I have said things that I regret, but with this particular woman and in my business, I worked really hard not to talk smack, not to gossip, not to be negative to, you know, stay out of negativity. And I have no idea. I was slowly building a reputation with this woman, so she called her up and the GM called me. She said I could teach you how to be a better writer. I could teach you to be a better reporter, but I can teach nice. I can't teach kind, and that's what we need more of in this business. And literally that was the game changer with whether she would hire me or not. And that was such a big ah ha moment. Because four months later, less than four months later, she introduced me to ABC Network, and that's how I moved to New York and fulfilled that dream that I had for so long to be on network television. If it wasn't for her opening that door, I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for the woman I knew 15 years ago or whatever, I wouldn't be able to walk through the door. So I think that a lot of times we work on our social media footprint. We work on followers. We work on a massing, you know, some type of like presence. And yet quietly there's this old school principal of reputation that I think a lot of people take for granted. And it's not just looking through somebody's Twitter feed, even though that's what job now employers do. They check your feet, they check your instagram. They want to know what you're about, but it's what people are saying about you behind closed doors. It's what people are saying about you when you're not in the room that holds even more weight than what the masses air saying about you on Twitter or Instagram or ticked up truth. I feel like that. Is it Is it, um, is it true that there is less kindness in the world now, or is that just a perception? Because our speed of information that we get, uh, and the reporting of crime and the attention that news requests of us, uh, doesn't necessarily celebrate kindness. And so is it. Is it true that the world is more or less kind right now? And what you know what? Your It's an interesting position for you to be in to be in media, which obviously the stories that grab our attention, Um, as we are social animals wired for negativity, bias and for scanning the horizon for Sabretooth Tigers. And yet you know, you you as a professional in the news as now, someone who is also purporting or putting forward kindness as the answer to so many of our problems is, is there ah dissonance there or help us reconcile those two things? I'm not. I haven't researched the data on whether there's more or less kindness, or even whether more people are attracted to kind stories, however, just anecdotally. I tell people all the time. If you're going toe, watch anything, news, movies, whatever. Carve out some time to research kindness stories. I mean, there's so many different outlets down so many different accounts online that particularly hone in on kind of stories. I do it myself on my account, the unbeatable kind, and it's still growing like it's brand new. But what I've done is I've noticed how many other accounts have this focus on grabbing good news or positive news stories or positive events, right? It doesn't have to necessarily news. It's just a neighbor helping a neighbor, a FedEx driver being honored by an entire street of people. I saw that video and it was really touching. What I have seen is that when I've asked different people or interns, I want you to grab these stories for me, come up with a list. They end up thanking me for giving them the assignment because they say, I feel so much better looking at all of these kind stories. It actually helped lift me out of this feeling of, you know, negativity or just feeling like I want to give up not having hope. I think that we take for granted the fact that kind stories and visions of kindness and people helping each other does impact us. Like you said, we're social animals were looking for the saber tooth tigers. But inside of us, we really do want to feel warm and fuzzy, too. And I am all about that. So for people who are listening like take the time, take 30 minutes, start your meetings inside of your companies are your zoom calls with somebody sharing a story of kindness, whether in their personal life or something they saw online. It tends to change the tone when we can relate on that level. And I think that life is mawr unkind. I mean, we've had these kind of struggles before, but it feels more unkind because we're being bombarded with so much of it because of technology speed because of the power of broadcasting and what we can have in the palm of our hand. And so I think that's why we have to be even more intentional for ourselves to make choices yesterday informed, but also state positive. Stay lifted, look for kindness. Well, early on in the book. You also update the definition of kindness. And I'm hoping you can share that with us. I've got it open here. I want to share with you a ah section that I highlighted. But before we do, I think grounding us in, you know, again, kindness is a is a sort of a nebulous bubble. It's something that we probably learned from our parents when we were four. And and I want you to help help ground us, help reorient us in. We're using. We're throwing around the word kindness pretty casual here. And I want you Thio, help us help us ground us in your definition. Yeah, because a lot of people, even now we'll say to me they'll start to know that I'm going to go on a podcast or something and say, Oh, you're gonna talk about kindness. Okay, Great. And then they listen to what I have to say, and they're like, Oh, like, that's different. Yeah, this is the kindness of the capital. Okay, I didn't want this book to be another book. That was just about, you know, smiling and sunshine And let's all just sing a song of Kumbaya, you know, Not that I'm against it. It's just like it had to be more than that, because when we were kids, we were taught kindness. Don't bully. You know, be nice to your sister. Be polite. And I think that we assume growing up that we would know what kind this is because we learned it when we were saying, like your your agent, your reference for but just like love. You think you know what love is When you're in high school, you have a crush and then you get married and you think you know what love is. But then, 10 years later, you realize with kids and mess and drama and life, you really have a deeper understanding of what love is. We don't do the same thing with kindness, and I am a encourage everybody to delve deeper into what kindness means. That's what I hope to do with the book. But kindness is more than what you do. It's who you are. Kindness is literally your identity. When I looked it up in the dictionary, the old dictionary that I found no Webster's 18 28 dictionary that when I saw the definition of thoughtfulness consideration that was great. But when it was also nature, natural propensity and determination, I realized that we all are hardwired for kindness. It's in our DNA. I really believe that with all my heart, but life is so unkind and hits different people, different ways that we do in instead of exhibiting who we really are, 100% authenticity is what I call kindness. We will exhibit behavior motivated by the pain we've been through by the disappointments who've been through by the relationships that have let us down by the promotion that we should have gotten. But we didn't because life is so unkind. We in turn change. But deep, deep down, I really believe that every single person on the planet has the ability and actually the natural propensity to be kind. Well, I think you've referenced, as I did earlier, that we're social animals and social animals. The concept of a social animal means, like we have to come together. And what can you come together over? Certainly, violence would be a negative, a negative way to come together and this idea of leadership of companion and I think the way you talk about in the book is connection and the kindness is such a huge vehicle for connection. So I want to just if I may, I share up the section that I highlighted, but I thought it was useful. Um, you should really be the one reading this, but I e Okay, okay. But it was helpful because it's what kindness is not kind. Kindness does not mean being overlooked and just letting it go. Kindness does not mean that you'll never speak up. It's unkind not to make a difference. It's unkind not to be who you were meant to be. It's unkind not to stand up for what you believe in, right. It's so true. Yes, because I realized that because I've done it and I've seen other people who've done it. And I've mentored and coached other people who've done it. When we allow the hurt and the pain of an unkind world to work, are thinking or to change who we are or to isolate ourselves or to cause us toe hold back with hold in our relationships with hold, the gift that we are from being expressed were literally being unkind to ourselves and to a planet who needs us because we are uniquely a new duplicate. Herbal is what I say in the book. You know, there will never be another Chase Jarvis for the rest of all history for the rest of all time, To infinity and beyond, there will never be. And so if you're holding back a part of yourself because of the pain, you're in essence giving us maybe 60 or 23% of what Chase Jarvis really is and who chase service really is. So really, you're not giving us you you're literally giving us a piece of you. And so, in essence, we don't ever know what Chase Jarvis will do for the rest of the world for history. And I know that's very deep, but I really, in my whole heart believe that kindness is that connection with other people because who we are is meant to serve humanity. Who we are is meant to bring answers that somebody else could never have come up with. Had we not spoken up had we not created the invention, had we not considered how to build the app had we not started the business based on our unique set of circumstances and culture, and experiences at home. And so for me, I think a lot of people think that being kind is just being a yes person or people pleasing or just being so nice and never like conflicting with anyone. But for anybody who's been mentored or anybody who is a high level athlete, your coach doesn't always say it nice. Your coach tells you what you don't want to hear, and I think that sometimes we as individuals, as citizens, we need to say what other people don't want to hear so that we can have an expression that is not only kind that could be revolutionary. I mean, it could change shift culture for the for the better. All right, let's You've done a great job and you do a beautiful job in the book of storytelling and orienting us around. You know what? Kindness enables, and I locks. I'm curious if you talked about an active kindness practice. Now, most folks who are attuned to this show they know what a daily creative practices said, You know, morning pages sitting down in journaling. I'm a huge advocate of meditation, so there's a I think, a strong current of that and the people who are watching and listening today. Um, but the kindness practice is eyes new, and I'm hoping you can share with us what your kindness, practices and some tips is a 22 lightweight of a word, but maybe a lens on how anyone who's listening and watching, who's inspired by your thoughts on kindness, what they could do to create a kind of practice of their own. Yeah, anything you want to be, you have to start initiating. It's like some people would have in the old day said, you know, fake it till you make it. I don't want you to think of fake anything, but if you want to end up running a marathon, you're going to take certain fitness steps to prepare yourself for that race, right? Even if you're not in the perfect shape, you know that you're gonna have to start walking at least start jogging on your treadmill. Um, and so for me, if you want to be kind, even though you already are, see somebody who runs a marathon already has the body parts has the human capability, the human mechanics to run that race. Anybody who is living and breathing right now has the mechanics to be kind, but maybe rusty or maybe completely oblivious toe what this means. So I call kindness of fitness practice in a sense, where you'll actually be kind to yourself, you know, doing things like what you were talking about. This creative processes journaling, dream time meditation. I love meditative breathing because gratitude is such a part of being kind to yourself. Because if you if you stop being grateful, if you stop breathing, if you betray the breath, then you're gonna have a lot harder time being appreciative of the opportunities and the people that come into your life at at the level you need. Thio. And so starting off at the beginning of your day with that kindness to yourself. Giving yourself a chance to carve out that quiet time, even if it's 5 to 15 minutes, is so vital. And then scheduling throughout the day or the week. Kindness practices that are very basic make just because calls to co workers, two colleagues, two friends, two associates check in with people not because you need to make a sale not because you need anything from them, but just because especially right now, people are going through levels of response to the stress you could You could put some in the area of just going numb. You could put some in the area of people who just are staying busy so they don't have to think about it. You could put some in the area of mental illness, but you and some post traumatic stress because of what we've gone through over the past five months, to just take a moment and call somebody and schedule it like you would. The time that you take to walk your dog, for example, or toe workout will actually make you more attune to thinking of other people, even just for the sake of thinking of them. Then the second thing you could do is I had to come up with myself because of the isolation ways that I could be kind from the comfort of my couch. I started doing these selfie videos because I'm missing people's faces that I knew. So I figured they missing mine because, you know, we're covered with a mask if we go outside and so I would just freeze frame, you know, have the camera of my phone looking at me like I was taking a selfie smile. So it's not blurry, and I would shoot a video 10 seconds, 15 seconds telling somebody. Hey, I just want to tell you what a rock star you are. I appreciate you. I can't wait to see your face. I would send that to co workers, and they would literally just have a huge smile back like, Oh my gosh, I love this. This was great. Like it was such a different response than a text message, which I was getting really weary of seeing. I was so overseeing text messages because between texts and emails, there wasn't much else to Dio one of the women that works with me. She actually adopted a number of her friends who were laid off. And so she and a group of friends paid for their groceries for 1 to 2 months at the time that they lost their job. I was so inspired by that, I thought we all need to adopt people right now whether there are besties or not. A lot of people have that fostering spirit for Children. I want to foster that for my coworkers, for people I don't know is well but want to care about investing. And so I said, Well, I convince people coffee like I'll just send Vin modes of 10 bucks, 20 bucks and they could go get their coffee and their crescent on me because I would love to take them out. But I can't. And so we're saving a lot more money, not eating out with friends. Maybe now we're starting to go out, meet on the sidewalk, like here in New York. But sending a Venmo and just saying Hey, coffee on me. I have a whole group of women now. We're doing it for each other, about nine of us. And so every month we choose somebody and they could take the money and do whatever they want with it. And then, um, one more thing, um, is that when you are thinking about kindness, take some time, Thio, observe your quarter or your year. You know, we have financial goals for ourselves. Think of something charitable that you want to give to. That would take a little more intention. I was just writing because I'm writing another book and I was just thinking about a time when I had decided to give $10,000 and at the time I did not have $10,000 but because of focusing in on it, I gave myself a deadline of 90 days. Was it 90 days? No, it was It was It was. I think it was 90 days and my journey through doing that led me to different relationships. It led me to different things, and that's one of the big benefits of kindness. Is that it open doors that going through the motions could never open for you. That really resonated with me in the book. And in fact, you've got a whole chapter somewhere in the middle of the book, um six or seven or eight about the the the way that kindness opened doors. But before I go to that, because I think it's a really interesting concept, I want to circle back. There's you talked about kindness to others, right? You talked about taking care of your crew, another whole chapter about that, which I think is eyes so extraordinary. And that's very much about ven mowing 20 bucks. I love these concrete examples. Talk to me about self talk and kindness to ourselves because so many people that I know, uh, are outwardly nice, outwardly polite, kind, generous people. And yet some of those people are having the toughest time right now, and that's an act of, you know, their language of love. You know, you give what you really want to receive. And so how How does one, especially in this time and just a reminder? We got Louise and Grady Graham from Australia, Marcy Marcy near the Space Needle here in Seattle, where I'm broadcasting from people saying Thank you so much and this is needed now more than ever. But specifically, how would you instruct someone to learn to have a kindness practice toward themselves? This is such a good question chase. I love this question because it's something that I've had to work on. And it's also something that I believe is an answer for a lot of people as to what causes they should align themselves with. So one of the big things that I had an ah ha moment about right before I wrote the book, I was feeling very gloomy. I was giving the other people I was giving a charity. I was working really hard. I was succeeding in my career. Everything looked perfect on the outside. And yet I still have this gloominess, and one of the things that came to my mind was I was using so much energy toe worry a lot of times what the people that you're describing, their self talk is really bad because they're toxic in their level of worry. Outside, they'll express themselves to help anyone, a stranger, a friend like they'll be the first ones if you need to move really quick last minute and they'll be right there for you. But inside they take on so much of the care of the world. They take on so much of the care of their family that they end up becoming toxic all by themselves and their hard on themselves. They're hard in themselves because they want to doom or and they it burdens them that they can't do more. And so one of the things I started saying is a mantra that I'm being reminded of recently by somebody who was at my event last year is this is the best day ever on the happiest girl on the planet. Everything's working out for me. I would say that every single day, even if I didn't feel like it. And every time I say this, the person listening to me has this big smile on my face like you just did and they always like, kind of chuckle. I don't think they're laughing at me. I think they're thinking, Well, that's kind of cute or whatever, but it feels so warm. It feels warm. It really does. And it's like Imagine yourself saying that like I'm the happiest dude on the planet. Everything's working out for me. This is the best day ever. Now it can look like it's the worst day ever. It can look like everything is falling apart. It can look like. But if I'm using the same imagination, which is vitally powerful and you talk about being creative, I mean imagination is such a force. It's faster than any man made computer, so worry and to think of worst case scenarios and think about how hard it is. I thought, How can I leverage this? And I imagine myself actually having the best day. I imagine myself this could be taken back to, um hold on one second, don't go anywhere. I'm not leaving you. I love it. Where you going? I had to plug in my my computer wasn't plugged in and it was going to die. And I'm like, No, it's not. Yeah, it's like, stay cool. Um, but But it's like I could sit there and and meditative Lee Imagine myself, like with everything working out and like thinking through the process, seeing myself walking in rooms where people say yes to my proposals, seeing myself having the best interviews, you know, they say to me, You know, Oh, my gosh, we need you know so and so to do this interview. Oh, I've got the perfect person and they named me. You know, seeing things go beyond my wildest imagination and using that now it seems a little selfish. I can hear people say to think there are people suffering right now. There are people who are having extreme difficulty right now, and you're telling me to imagine it's my best day ever and feeling bad about that. And I want to tell you, if you have your best day ever, I promise you you will be more generous. You will be more thoughtful. You will come up with answers because your head is going to be more in the game than somebody. Worrying a big reason for kindness is not to be a Band Aid to people's problems. Not to be a Band Aid to social ills, but to keep your head in a space of innovation and solution. Because kindness is innovative. You start thinking out of the box about how you can actually generate the money. How? I mean, that's what I was thinking about $10,000. I was still in debt from college and my car loan, and I'm thinking, Well, how can I How can I get this money? I can't earn any more money on salary, did a certain amount. So I had to start thinking outside of my own boxes. And that innovation led me to actually reaching the goal. And, um, and the other part, I would say is, Is that for people who have that negative self talk or who you know, feel like, uh, like, they're not good enough? Um, Brad Pitt is an example. I used in the book because I talked about a few interviews and I was just thinking about how he had told me that when he does a scene, he just like, walks away from it like it didn't happen, like he's able to handle that scene, give his all. You know, we've all seen him act in movies. He does a great job. But then he doesn't carry that emotion that he had to use a channel in that scene and carry it with him toe lunch or dinner or to bed at night. He can release it, and it's like if we have to do that, if you have to see ourselves I would say in one of my events, I'm just like Brad Pitt. I shake it off. I like, let it go and I move on to the next scene in life. If we have to do that, it's really, really helpful. And the third thing I would say is make sure that you're not saying it to yourself. I'm not blank enough. You know, when I was saying to myself during even the writing of this book, I'm not kind enough to write this book, I questioned myself. I'm not kind enough to write a book on kindness, and the words came up in me If you say you're not kind enough, you're basically saying I'm not enough because if kindness is who you are, then there's no enough to it. You just you are or you're not. So you are. You might have had an unkind moment. You might have had a bad day. You might have snapped it. Somebody you might have said something you regret. But that doesn't change that you are truly kind. You had a moment. Don't go off trying to explain yourself or reason with the person, or even for ask for forgiveness. Just forgive yourself and realize I can return to my kind self at any given moment. So I hope that answer your question in a beautiful fashion. Okay, you know, But this is like this is there. There are the idea of the words that we say to ourselves or the most important words because it's essentially, it's you've got to put your own oxygen mask on before assisting other passengers. Right? And and that is such a e think an easy thing to say and a hard thing to do. Especially as as you know, Grady and Maria and all the folks who are commenting now across all the different platforms. They're listening, watching know to be true right now, because, as you've referenced, the last 56 months have been so hard and so different than what we have experienced over the previous year, some for terrible reason, some for very good reasons. And it's so easy to fall, especially into this isolation pattern, because we're spending more time alone now than ever before. So is there anything that you're doing in particular during this time? That you find is a different practice than what you had prescribed previously? And what you've learned about kindness or your career is anything that you're doubling down on now during the pandemic. Well, I find that isolation and pressure actually lend itself to personal development because you're being squeezed. And so you're seeing the good, the bad and the ugly. You're seeing those wounds that maybe didn't heal up all the way that now you have to confront because you're by yourself or your in your home or or you're feeling that pressure kind of push it to the surface. Um, I find that personal crises and global crises are addressed in the same way. Oh wow, Okay, this is good. Say more. Yeah, it's true because I wrote this book in 2018 on DSO I had to read my own book. I realize I'm like, I don't know what to do right now. I was feeling that that longing for human connection that I could not get in person, and so it's literally I could feel it in my chest. It was almost like somebody was, you know, unfortunately, the sickness that we've seen across the world now the pandemic is about breathing. And I was feeling almost like in my chest. I couldn't breathe because I so long to be with a person like I'm such a social butterfly, What in the world and even introverts were going through it, you know, to some degree, like they were. I had friends that were just going to the store just to go to the store. Kind of like this is the only social interaction I'm going to get today. So let me just go grocery shopping, um, just to be around people. But what I found again that works in times of personal crises or global crises, I had to ask myself two questions this is all that matters. I had asked them and answer them is if this is all that matters. Number one, Who is my heart breaking for right now? Number two. What problem do I want to solve right now? Because otherwise we get, um it's like a cess pool of our own selfishness. We were looking at our own problems were feeling bad. We're having a pity party. We're feeling like I don't know what to do with myself and we're working all the time. But inside of ourselves, we're complaining and were disappointed and disillusioned and we're just frustrated. And so when I asked that question Who is my heart breaking for right now? Where is my compassion going when I watch the news or when I'm on social media or when I hear a friend tell a story, What is it that lights a fire in me? That I want to solve that or do something for them? And in the second part, what problems I want to solve? I authentically could notice what things I cared about more than others. Based on how I responded personally to something. So it was like, Okay, let me let me do something with that. Once I started do something with that and thinking of other people I stopped feeling is garbage because I did in my isolation. It opened the walls. It, like, pushed back the walls. Um, just an example. Before the pandemic, I had had that question and answer phase for myself, and it was 2 2.5 weeks before Valentine's Day and I asked, Who do I want to help? I said, You know, I wanna help women who don't know their loved over Valentine's Day. I don't wanna have galentine. I don't wanna substitute this for a date. I just want to tell people primarily women that their loved and they're worthy, and I just want to bless them in on a room. I just want to give them something a gift. Have an event for him. So I started making phone calls of everybody I knew I ended up having a Valentine's Party. That was word of mouth on Lee for women who didn't have plans on Valentine's Day. They all got free swag people, colleagues, friends, new friends contributed. It was in SoHo. We had a sample sale. We had donuts and cupcakes and everybody got free stuff. And I spoke for, like, maybe 10 minutes about how it was important for me to show them that they were loved and worthy and they loved it. And it was a breakthrough for me because I pushed through to make something happen in 2.5 weeks. So But I was so, um encouraged that when you ask yourself, what do I really care about right now? It will present itself in an authentic expression of compassion and not just an obligation to give because you know, what's the right thing to Dio? We had so many people in the comments sharing that line, Who is my heart breaking for now? And who do I want to help? That is such an amazing, simple way of focusing your attention on something that you could actively do. Thank you for that. And there's also, uh, I don't know if the chapter a sub chapter in the book about going the extra mile clearly, clearly in your career professionally, uh, and sounds like with your friend group there on Valentine's Day as an example, you've gone the extra mile, but what effect does that extra effort have on your own lens of yourself, of others, the world and kindness in general in general. Talk, talking about the extra mile. Well, in the specific example that I gave in the book, it was while we were covering a huge story, and it happened to be the clips that you could only see once in 100 years. And so there were just a select group of us who were sent out across the country. And I met up with a reporter who had messaged me directly and given me advice about how to set up this live shot for the news. And I remember thinking I could just say thanks and move on because we're network. This was a small town reporter. I've been a small town reporter. I know how valuable reporters are in local markets because I was one for so many years, and actually the networks couldn't put news on the way they need to without local reporters. But with the Army and the assets in the budget for this event, I thought I really could just say we're good, you know. Thank you so much. That was very kind of you and move on. But I thought, First of all, he's there and I'm not. Sometimes it takes a lot more to turn a big ship than it does a little tugboat, and the tugboat ends up pulling the big ship out, you know, into the right position. So not despising that local news job that he had but honoring the fact that number one, he's there and I'm not. And recognizing that he's an expert in that community, he has expertise I will not have. My producer will not have had, even if my producer times three days ahead of me and does all the work on the ground. Number two. I honored the fact that he would take the time to send me detailed notes, and so he was going the extra mile. I was going to go the extra mile in return and give him the time of day and say, Hey, if you're around, let's meet up. And so we ended up making a connection, and I ended up consulting him for six or eight or 12 months of his career because of the relationship that we made as a result of me being willing to take a moment and give him a moment and not to just go through my emotions or hurry up and go. I mean, I think that sometimes we reach a certain level where we think, uh, got it. I got it. I'm good. I've been there, Done that. Yeah, I've been where you are. So we can never think that we're too smart or too good for anything because it's the people who come up that may not look like they have everything to offer who have so much that we could never buy and totally different story, but a kind of a go the extra mile scenario in the midst of this pandemic. One of my cameramen called me and I saw his name pop up on my phone. I missed the call, but I called him back, said, Hey, what's going on? I was so excited to see his name because I've been thinking about him, and I think I've been thinking about a few of my crew, and if they were working during this time and he said, Oh, I didn't mean to call you. I'm so sorry. Like it was an accident and I said, No No, no, I'm glad that you did. How are you doing? What's going on? Are you good? And he said, No, I'm not. And I said, Okay. Tell me what's going on. Are you alone? Like, what's the deal? He's like, Yeah, my two daughters don't live here. His wife had passed away a year or two before, and I remembered that when we're working together, I found out. So I knew he was a widower. I said, you know what? Listen, I'm going to adopt you. I'm gonna call in, just like I'm one of your kids or cousins or something. I said I'm gonna check on you regularly. Just just because. And so that was going Extra miles. I could have just said. Oh, hey, you called me on accident. You're doing good. Okay. Stay safe and healthy. Click. I know nobody does this with their phone anymore. By the way, that tells age click. But it's okay, kids. I know you do this now or you don't even do that. You just have the your But but my point being is that I went the extra mile and I just heard in his voice how he was not doing good. I heard in his voice that it was a little stressful. He hadn't been working as much, and I decided to do something kind. It doesn't take but five minutes to call him every week or two or three weeks and be like, yo, checking in There we go again. I'm checking in and he's appreciative and he's thanked me multiple times and I can tell it brings joy to his day. So there's a couple of pieces of practical go, the extra those examples that that's where the best stuff in life is, right? Just outside of our comfort zones like I don't know if this person wants me to call them every day, but you know, that was a message that I got consistently in. The book is just this this showing up authentically as yourself over and over, whether you call it the extra mile or authenticity or, um, it's just, you know, Aziz. Uh, Sarah Brosnan says here from Facebook, this is this mentality can be so contagious. It's very It's very hard for us to be what we can't see and to show up to show up in this world over and over as doing mawr than is, um would be we may be accustomed. Teoh is. Anyway, I just wanted to think this is It's just so truthful you you have to continue to show up. And so I wanna I wanna flip the script now for a second and go to go to a place that the way that you're showing up here is pretty pretty perfect. Like it seems like you must go through the world always nailing it, always looking out for those around you. And I'm guessing as we were talking before we started broadcasting today, that there are times when you are not perfect Eso eso, you know, But in order in order for us to sort of, um, take the the medicine with sugar, help me understand a time or a place where you were not able to show up. And how do you then repair that with yourself and with someone else? Yeah, well, I mean, there's plenty of times I think one of the things that I talked about Chapter 10 is resiliency. Now you could be going through something emotionally and you snap or you're edgy, and I mean, here's the key I'm like, I'm not sweating because of your question. I'm sweating because it's hot in New York and I don't have my air conditioning on, but it's so e, I was like, I don't think you could see it. But I have to, like, judge my face in here right now. Um, recently, you know, I realized the importance of having not just the inner circle that you know, the people in your life like your mentors, your parents, your friends who are really, really straight up with you. But people that work with you who are willing to say, hey, are you doing all right? Like, what's going on? Is there something you wanna talk about? Um, if I didn't have an inner circle chase, I would not be here. I mean, there have been so many times where I could have broken down like kindness from others is so much of a life preserver. Because if I am feeling like, inadequate or if I'm having a moment where I'm just raging with anger over something somebody did that I saw that I thought was unkind or something I saw somebody do that was just uncalled for or unjust. It's been the people in that, you know, tight. You know, five people are less inner circle who have been able to arrest that emotional response in me. And so my advice to anybody is that when you're not having perfect days, please talk to somebody please reach out, send a text message, send a video and just be like I can't even articulate what I'm feeling right now. I just need somebody to care because I'm going to say or do something that I'll regret if I don't. And, you know, I've had people in my family. You know, a number of people that I've been acquainted with have had a history of, you know, emotional outbursts or, um, mental illness. And so I'm acquainted with all of that. If you don't feel appreciated or loved or have a tribe, it can be very difficult to live this life right now. And we've talked a lot about my displays of kindness, my practices of kindness. What I've done to establish this is my identity more than a lifestyle like inherent to me. But if it was not for the people who would take my call or who would harass me with phone calls until I picked up. If it wasn't for the people who kept believing in me when I did not display that best self scenario, if it wasn't for the friends who didn't judge me when they saw the ugly, you know, because either the good, the bad and the really, really ugly, where you would not want it posted on the front page of any major magazine or newspaper. That's when the kindness of other people keeps you afloat. And, um, there's been times when in my emotional life, you know, a grieving there's I talked about, I think this story and that resilience chapter When, uh, I had a loss in my family, a death, and I didn't even know how much it was affecting me. But I would have gone crazy if I wasn't giving in a mentoring group. If I wasn't giving charitably consistently where I had to actually go and like, check the boxes and transfer it from my bank and do go through that because every time I did that, it reminded me of who I really waas. Even while my feelings wanted me to just quit and throw in the towel. And so if you don't have that kind of a tribe, I mean, let me just tell you, please find one. I know that's easier said than done, but the kindness that you exhibit is actually going to magnetize you for the right people. I end up meeting the most amazing people because of kindness, because because I am kind because people can see that I make an effort to be kind. Well, before I wrote a book, um, it has allowed me to be different people who are in my inner circle now. And so it's not just the power of kindness in you. It's the power of kindness towards you. How important is forgiveness? Oh, yeah. Now you're opening a bigger can of worms chasing Oh, I'm just I'm I'm, um I'm sucked in. And I think this like when I think of you know, my the secret, the antidote to me being unkind. And I'm thinking of a particular relationship in my life when I'm unkind. And the response that I get from someone to whom I'm unkind is forgiveness immediately and unqualified. And it has this. It's such a disarming, um affect, you know, normally would get her hackles up, and that's where conflict arises. And I'm thinking of this particular person. I'll just It's my wife, Kate. This is, you know, if I would have a temper, temper, flare up and this is what you know. One of the things that attracted to me tow her early on in our relationship is she met my anger or frustration or ugliness as you shared with absolute forgiveness and almost a just compassion for seeing someone who is. Because that's what lashing out is right is you're hurting inside and, you know, and you you mentioned forgiveness a number of times in your book. Just what role is it? And I'll just say Go Dutilleux personally so you don't feel like you have to speak for all of humanity. But what role this forgiveness play in your world when people are sometimes unkind. Here's what I'll tell you whenever you are that angry. Whenever you are jealous, whenever you are that guarded, it's because you have for gotten you are loved. That's why kindness is such a big deal to me in another sense, because it's an expression of love without saying the words, you know It's a love for humanity. It's a love for other people and, uh, forgiveness to me. There was one point in my life I had to forgive somebody, and it was the hardest thing I have ever had to dio, and I remember being reminded of how good my life had become and how terrible this person's life had become. Now there's gonna be plenty of people you have to forgive that aren't doing bad or they don't look like they're doing bad. But I'll just for me. I remember thinking, How dare I hold a grudge against a person who is suffering because of the choices that they've made because of their cruelty? Meanwhile, I've been given a second chance. Even though that abuse could have taken me out, I've been given double for the trouble that I've gone through. So how dare you hold a grudge? The words that came up in me, How dare you? You have been kept safe. You are still here. You are thriving. Meanwhile, this person is suffering. You know, you call karma or whatever you wanna call it reciprocity, whatever. But I just I didn't have to compare us too long to see that I was being kept safe in spite of their maltreatment. There was another time when somebody had angered me, hurt me, and I saw myself instead of I forgive you like let's be besties. Let's, like, make it happen again. Um, I saw myself like a queen on a throne, and if you're a guy, you can see yourself as a king on a throne. And, uh, I had my long robe on and I had my scepter in my hand and the person who had hurt me was being walked out by the guards. I use my imagination a lot. It's helping me. It's beautiful. No, that's part of what I loved about the book is that storytelling is just beautiful. Yeah, I think of I think of everything that goes on in your mind that you have to rehearse. And so I remember thinking I have the right to keep them in prison and to the execution, you know, chamber, or to let them go free and to never let them hurt me again. And so I remember thinking when I would say I forgive you. It wasn't just a I forgive you, which means like what you did was, you know, so absolved that now you're in perfect standing. It was I forgive you. Don't do it again. I'm not gonna hold it against you because I'm the one that has the power to send you down this path of imprisonment or allow you to go free and show you mercy. Um, the thing is, with forgiveness is that you end up being imprisoned right along with them because it blocks you. And we've heard this before whether you had a therapist or a psychologist or watched any number of talk shows. And it's like we can't afford to put a cap on our creativity. And I usually cannot conjure up a feeling that is associated with forgiveness where it's like, Yes, I feel like forgiving right now. What? I have to share this story. Just It just came back to me when I was yelled at at work in the beginning of my career. At first it hurt because you wanted to retaliate. You wanted to defend yourself. But then I there was one instance where a man yelled at me and I found out his mother had died the night before for the rest of my life and career. Anytime anybody raises their voice at me, I think somebody must have died. And, um, I recently during the pandemic, had a very hard, hard time forgiving somebody. And, you know, the pressure of the pandemic and the pressure of isolation causes your emotions to almost be super big. And, um, I was sitting on my couch and I'm like, Okay, I really need a new mechanism for forgiveness because there's other ones that I just mentioned were not working things is a big one on um, I thought the words came to me live like it's their last day because, you know, they a lot of people who speak about motivation and successor live like it's your last day, you know, like put all the fun in it and all the causes you want. All the And I thought, No, I don't wanna live like it's my last day because I have lots to do, and one day is not gonna hold all the good stuff. I gotta dio. But if I live like it's their last day like and I imagined them being them dying, I imagine that between now and tomorrow morning. They would not exist anymore. You know, Tragedy, illness, whatever. And I thought, how terrible would I feel holding onto these feelings of resentment and anger and unforgiveness? If I knew that they were gonna be gone tomorrow, could I let everything go on their deathbed? And the answer was Yes, because I've done that. And compassion wells up inside of all of us as humans when we are with someone who is dying. I mean, maybe it doesn't move you when you see it in a movie, But you know somebody or your friend has a family member who dies. Compassion wells up on the inside of you. See, forgiveness is not gonna well upon the inside of you every time. But if you could get moved with that compassion that will rise up and there are certain triggers and using those triggers positively for me, it's death, because that is bigger than any situation that I'm going through. It overrides the anger, it overrides the hurt, and it actually pushes that hurt out of the way so that I make decisions based on compassion and kindness and not based on the hurt that they caused very powerful medicine right there. What a lens through which you can look at. Uh, because this is like we know this to be true. You said, Whether it's your psychologist, your therapist, like lashing out is it's about the person who's doing the lashing, even if you've made a mistake. So Ash Jensen has a great question on face, and I want to hit it head on. Where does this this kindness mentality switched to coat dependency, she says. This resonates deeply with me, but I'm also the person who gives too much mm. And so we're Yeah, we're And again, I'm not expecting you to be our psychologist or a therapist, and I just wrote the book on kindness, but I think it's a fascinating question, and I can hear in Ashes. Question embedded in there is that there's a fear of giving too much, and she's done that in the past and that she feels that that has been taking advantage of in some case. And so for all of the ask Jenson Ash Jensen's out there, you know, what advice would you have about continuing to show up in a kind way and not feeling that at some point you will be taken advantage of. This is one of the number one questions that I get because there is this innate fear in most people, especially people who have a focus on kindness or desire to live their best life, that they will be taken advantage of. And she answered her own question that she gives too much. Something about being kind to yourself is, you get to know yourself much more in those quiet, still moments in the morning. I would encourage ash and anybody else take the time to get to know what you need and what you really want, because what it sounds to me like if you have a hard time telling people, no. And if you have a hard time telling, people know you have either a sense of obligation, you don't want people to not like you or you feel it's your responsibility. There's some martyrdom there again. I am not a psychologist. I'm not a shrink. I'm not a don't even if saying you're a shrink is a negative anymore, so forgive me if that's a negative word. I have no idea, but I'm not a therapist, but from my experience So take some time, get to know yourself. What is your real motivation for giving? If you're giving too much, why study yourself? Ask those closest to you. Why do I give so much and let them tell you honestly, go to somebody who you know does not placate you at all and find out what they would say from the outside looking in and decide ahead of time not to push back on it. Because a lot of times they're going to say something that you are shocked by or would resist or you know what I mean. It could be because to you, you're giving a lot because when you were a child, they told you you couldn't give too. You know, your friends, lemonade stand or something. I don't know if there could be some deep seated thing, or it could be that you really just don't like making enemies. And you think that somehow, by giving, you'll make everybody like you. I don't know your particular situation, but number one be kind to yourself by getting to know yourself. Why? What is your real motivation? Because that's not kindness that could be placating. That could be people pleasing number or two? No, your players A big part about kindness If you look in my book, is about knowing the people around you. It is not about saying yes every time. In fact, knowing your players means you know when to say no because you know their motive. And so you want to study the people around you. And another piece is that you want to allow other people to be kind with you. The key is to make this contagious. The key is to make kindness famous. And so what you would like to do is to study other people and find out what brings out the helper in them. For some, it's them feeling like they're the expert, like they're the smartest one in the room, treat them like the smartest person in the room and then asked them to partner with you to give to that thing that you care about so that it's not just you giving all by yourself. Mhm spoken. I've been asked this before. It feels like I just feel like I'm getting up off the therapy couch there. Um, Graham Lawler, uh, creative live TV is saying this has absolutely made my day a much better one. Thank you. Louise has a question that I think is on par with that question we just got from Ash and it's How do you balance? He uses the word likability, which I don't I think I'm going to say I want to substitute that for kindness because, like, ability seems to be about you. Um, but let's substitute I'm in a tweak Louise's question a little bit because I do think it's really powerful and it's It's how do you balance kindness with honesty? Because many choose honesty. Or there's a can hide behind the concept of honesty and perhaps say things that might be unkind. So, uh, the reframing again is What's the balance between kindness and honesty? Yeah, well, number one honesty for a lot of people is authenticity. That's their own personal definition. There are a lot of brash people who think that that's real nous, and I like to center it more. And how can you serve the conversation, be less vested in how you're going to come across for your own sake and more invested in serving the conversation. So when I'm talking to somebody and I have a very close relationship to them and I've been able to invest in them. They've heard me and my honest moments, and I've decided to still stick around. Then usually I can give them some more of my honesty. But for most people, maybe who you work with or who you've known only for a short time you're only acquainted with that level of honesty isn't necessarily going to serve further connection. Kindness, remember, kindness is a connection. Nice is politeness. I don't want you to just be polite and stop there just to avoid somebody not liking you. But what I want you to do is listen more than you speak. I got a really good piece of advice, which was Listen to somebody talk without really saying anything. When you first meet them, let them dominate the conversation because you're gonna learn everything about them. Within minutes, you're gonna learn what their pet peeves are. You're gonna learn what they are motivated by what is most important to them. People have a tendency to express themselves often times now. This doesn't work for everybody because not everybody is a good listener. But consider, rather than consider being even being kind or likable inside of yourself. Find out what makes them tick by being a much better listener, and that will bode well for you as you develop and you further connect through kindness. I'm going to keep going with the questions from the That was an amazing answer. And this particular question. It's in the same vein as ashes, and it's, uh, maybe some more suggestions around setting boundaries. And does kindness have boundaries? Yes. Oh my gosh, yes, The boundaries for me is again a relation to knowing your players. So if you have somebody in your life who tends to, I'm just gonna use a random example. Okay, if you have somebody in your life who tends Thio want to take all the credit for a project success, somebody who's motivated mostly by their own, you know the smell of their own breath like they just love to be the one that gets the attention gets the kudos. If you know that in advance, then you wanna have boundaries around yourself in order to try to think that you can fix or change them because a lot of kind people want to help people along. Okay, instead of doing that, recognize that that's their motivation. And when you send them a request to help with the project or to do something with you, remember? Hey, listen, I want to tell you, Thank you again on that last project you worked with us on. You were amazing. And then give maybe an example quickly. Then I was wondering if you'll consider that that acted up. See, I'm allowing my boundary to actually expand my ability toe work with that person in a functional way. The boundaries of it are that you want to actually not treat everybody with this cookie cutter of what kindnesses to you and your definition. You're gonna have to be extremely nimble if you're truly kind because kindness is extremely situation Lee aware you might have family members who is another example who want to borrow money from you or friends who are asking you hook me up. You have to decide in advance which is writing, which is wrong. Go with peace. If you get that funny feeling, don't think that you're being selfish or unkind. Maybe you're not supposed to give to them this time and be okay with. You know what? That's not gonna work out for me this time. Don't apologize for it. Just say it's not gonna work out this time, buddy. And move on. Don't second guess yourself. There's a reason inside of us. I believe that fear is an innate character trait to keep us from doing something that would cause us danger. And I believe that you're developing kindness. You're gonna have more of an innate sense of being able to make the right decisions for yourself at the right time. I call kindness the Sixth Sense. The the cool thing that I've noticed about kindness, Uh, in the awareness that your book has raised for me and my wife's practice around loving kindness Is that you? Um, every time you are kind, you develop that muscle just a little bit more, and then there's this trust that you don't know where this is going to go, but that you're going to get it right. And it's like a kindness muscle. And of course, I dropped the ball plenty of times. We've already sort of walked across that that territory. But this little the idea that helped me through this was just this little muscle getting stronger and stronger, the situational awareness, your ability to recover from, um, from even a moment of unkindness or the ability to trust. Trust yourself in that I liked what you said about kindness being so situational. And now clearly there's an emotional intelligence you know at play here is did. Is developing your cue overall different from developing a practice of kindness? Or are they one of the same? I think that kind of supersedes emotions because kindness is like love. It's a choice. A lot of people want to put love in an emotional category. Love has nothing to do with emotions. You have to choose to love somebody. You know, the things that come along with love. And again, I'm not a doctor. So don't quote me. Don't say Oh, Adrian, like said something that was against science. It's a really about You are in a marriage. There are plenty of times you don't feel like staying married. You and a friendship. There are plenty of times you don't feel like being a friend anymore. But then you patch things up and you move on. You decide that you wanna wake up with that person every single morning. If you're married to them so or if you decide to cohabitate and you decide to stay in that relationship, there are times when you wanna walk out, not come back. But then you change your mind. So does that mean you didn't love them anymore? No. It means that you chose Thio. Take a break, But you didn't choose to stop loving them. Same thing with kindness. I believe that kind of supersedes emotions. I believe it. So it goes above emotional intelligence, natural intelligence, strength, tenacity. It goes beyond all of that, because when you extend yourself, I say you're using your conscience for another person's benefit. It actually develop that muscle memory that you were talking about, where you actually know what's right all the time. When you are working in a team. I mean, I think of like, really famous athletes who are so explosive on the field, but they had a reputation for being very difficult to work with. I think that in all industries across the board, people are not going to just look for people who are skilled and can do the job well or have even nice resume or a nice you know, a few sets of recommendations. I think they're gonna look for people who are truly kind and compassionate and have the ability to work in teams in a way where they're thinking of others more than themselves. And thus we come full circle to the reason you wrote the book, right? It's just like it is a superpower. And, um, you know, the sentiment is, um is very clear in the comments and my personal gratitude to you for writing the book is this really is a superpower and our ability thio have you on the show Not just any old time During a time when there's a lot of ah lot of hard stuff going on and where there seems to be isolation and in short, where we need kindness mawr than ever before, I want to say thank you. Um, and you've got thank you is pouring in from Illinois. Back then, we hear from London again in another South Africa, Just folks all over the world saying, Thank you so much on again. I don't know if you can see on my Kindle screen here folks at home. Um they're Ugo uh, Adrian, it's just been a treat to have you on the show. Thank you so much. And is there some Are there some coordinates that you would steer people toward where we could get more of you? If if this If this, uh, 70 minutes hasn't been enough, where would we? Where we go to get more from you? Well, Adrian, banker dot com is my website. I am in the works of updating it, so forgive me that you might see a landing page, but it's under construction, but you can still reach me there for the places you can buy the book. You can go to your hidden superpower. There's an E course on kindness where you can actually start the process of initiating that kindness to yourself, knowing more closely who you are and your expression of kindness. Because it's like your thumbprint. It's an indelible mark, your place on the planet and others around you. And then you can also join the book club. You might be a little late, but every Friday we are on your hidden superpowers, um, Facebook page and you can join in on Friday, live with me. We'll talk about the book and answer people's questions. Amazing. Amazing. Thank you so much for being on this show. Um, again, Kevin and Sarah and Catalina and Augustine just chimed in Tula from Finland. Wow. Huge, huge. That gratitude for being on this show and for inspiring us to be more kind in a world that needs it now more than ever. Adrian, Thanks for being on this show and everybody else in the community. Thanks for tuning in. And we hope to be with you again tomorrow. Mhm. Yeah.