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Mindfulness & Communication

So to begin this last segment I want to before we go into the cell oprah nure particular challenges I want to just go over very briefly some of the key points of figuring out your personal communication style and there will be time before we close for any final questions too, so don't worry about that therefore steps in figuring out the parameters and energies and vibe and direction and form of your own communication style and the first one is are you an introvert or an extra vert? Which doesn't mean as we've discussed are you shy or not? Nothing to do with shy it's where does your energy come from? Does it come from within and you get it and you get a big hit of it when you're alone or does it come from others? Do you gain energy from being with other people? Obviously neither one is better than the other so it's just a matter of knowing yourself and then knowing who you're talking to, what did they appear to be? So if for example, the person that you're talking to is an introvert, yo...

u can think, well, that's the kind of person that they are understanding of what we're talking about it's gonna happen when they get by themselves, but I can't really expect it to happen when we're in conversation so part of your mindful communication with them would be to acknowledge and allow whether to them or just in the way you conduct yourself that you don't expect them to come up with the full brainstorming idea or there yes sir there no but that they will need and appreciate time to think about it and conversely, if they're an extrovert not so so it will help you be more mindful in your communication when you know which one you are in which one they are next it's it's good to consider how you relate to stress because in mindful communication there's always gonna be disconnect there's always going to be stress is there's always gonna be misunderstandings, miscommunications and so on so part of the mindfulness isn't always making every communication go well it's about showing up and meeting discomfort when it arises in the best way you can and helping the other person supporting them to do so as well. So mindful communication doesn't mean perfect communication it means when it's perfect it's awesome and when it goes wrong you know how to recover. So the first step in sort of knowing that is when something goes wrong in your world do you tend to move towards the object that has caused problems to try to pacify and make friends or do you move against to try to just solve the problem, get it out of the way, remove all obstacles by whatever force is necessary or do you tend to move away you just rather avoid rather do something else and when you're the kind that moves towards and the other one's the kind that moves against for example it might take some doing to have your conversation so just knowing however which one you are enables you to be skillful in your behaviour and appreciative and supportive of the other person without demanding that they act the way you do which people tend to like oh I should also thank emily who did these amazing illustrations which are so perfectly capture I think what we are talking about here um the next step in the first two taps therefore uh introvert extrovert toward against away and then to start to figure out which of the nine stiles is yours and a good place to start is by considering where your attention goes because personal style is about what gets your attention when you walk into a situation and when I walk into a situation for example the four style my attention tends to go to well what is meaningful what is really happening here? What what is the meaning? What is the value? What is the how do how do I feel about what's happening but I may be walking into the room with someone who wants to party their attention goes to how could we have a good time and how can we have a good time and what is the meaning may require some work to stitch those together, so starting to think about your style begins with noticing where your attention goes and then determining what is your primary center of intelligence? I know now that you are all very intelligent people when you possess all three, but you are either primarily an intuitive communicator or person, and when things don't go your way, you could get angry or you are an emotional communicator, uh, who connects from the heart and likes to have emotional connections with others, and when things don't go your way, your emotions could get a little unbalanced. You could become hysterical or depressed, or are you more of a mental intellectual communicator and needs to understand things, make sense of things before you can move forward before your instincts kick in? You need to understand, and if you are this kind of person, your default response to stress could be, when you're thinking, starts to overheat, so you get anxious or paranoid, I see nodding like, yes, I do that. So the primary use of this material is too deep in your capacity for compassion, and the misuse of this information is to get a wise people and say, oh, you're just that this, you know, to stereotype, though, and uh try to manipulate them of course is the worst misuse of this information so very quickly each of the nine types has a sort of direction where the energy flows certain key qualities a poison to medicine spectrum and idealization and avoidance and a talking style and I'm not going to go over all of them because we did already and uh it's a tremendous amount of information much of which is captured in fact all of it is repeated in the workbook so if you have it you'll be able to refer to that for the rest of your life because it's very hard to keep all these details in mind but the main thing to remember when you were thinking about type and trying to type others is have a nice cream I know is I that each type is far more than any list of qualities no list of qualities can capture a person but the nine types the nine styles are more like nine flavors of ice cream so when you taste strawberry you know it but I can spend an hour trying to describe it to you but nothing's going to convey to you what it is like if I bought your dish of strawberry ice cream what's your favorite flavor funny my favorite flavor is butter scotch old I like that well I like chocolate thunder down this well that's a new one okay I'm a mentor ship kind of check so then we had the intuitive communicators uh the warrior the intermediary the crusader these air the styles of communication of people who used their instinct to navigate through the world I know we have a crusader here and does anybody think that they're a warrior or a gn intermediary a ce faras they understand right now I'm not sure um then we have the uh descriptions of all the types were not going to go through them again intuitive communicators but we can enjoy these beautiful illustrations again we have the emotional communicators which are the lover the master of the phenomenal world in the poet I think you know we may have some of these here does anybody identify with what do you identify with its to you was a little bit faster so they can share qualities actually the types that are next to each other so that's interesting so cool uh then we have finally we have the uh no we're gonna go through the emotional tie so we're not going to stop but we're gonna enjoy the cool illustrations, huh? Intellectual communicators we have the wizard which we have at least one representative here the advocate slash adversary and that was the trickster and of which we may have one of those here too who identifies with this triad well, kind of what do you identify with stephen uh part wizard in part trickster part wizard in part trickster that's an excellent combination and the energy and those two are a little different. The energy of the wizard all moves in there's a lot of inner life and the the energy for the advert advocate slash adversary not so easy for them to find there's a little bit of a disconnect in internal, sort of more of a disconnected state. Just something for you to think about as you ponder the two, but they're both awesome. Um, so we're not going to go through the different kinds, but we will enjoy the illustrations like I say, thank you then finally, our final step is understanding your instinctual subtype, so we each have these three subtype, self preservation, social and intimate, and they color the way our type of manifest they don't change our type, but they color the way our type manifests, and I believe that the way to find your type is to start with, uh, the three centers of intelligence, intuitive, emotional or mental, and then go right to the subtypes, self preservation, social or intimate. So if you know that you are a social subtype, for example, and you feel that you're in the emotional triad, learn about the social to the social three, the social four don't spend time with the other ones go right to those I think that's a good place to start let me just ask you by show of hands and people out there I would love to hear how you would vote on this and if you know your type or you think you found it just even if you just type seven or two and just send it in I would be really interested to hear a little poll of what what you think how many here think that they are in the self preservation subtype as far as you know, okay, social I like this and intimate fantastic great that's great that's a really important piece of knowledge right there, so I hope that that will serve you and this is a good launching point and took a sort of conclude this recap I want to say that this is a lifetime worth of contemplation and don't if you don't know your type if you can't find your style yet that's completely understandable these air very nuanced um categories so it could take time to figure it out. But it's really worth trying and uh I know that if you continue to pay attention that you will and the way that this helps to you to be a mindful communicator is not just that you know you're a social subtype of your communication style is the second one or whatever because that's good that's, interesting that's just the start, the way you bring it out into the world is through the practice of mindfulness because communication is not something that happens. You're like, okay, you're too, so therefore I should say things to you this way because we're not doing this. We're not using a playbook we're not going to using rules were not being conceptual about how we communicate. We are responding in the moment, that's, what makes communication genuine, it's skillfully, which is not randomly skillful and random or the opposite. So we're responding skillfully in the moment by employing mindfulness presence, awareness, focus, allowing things to touch us being open this is what enables us to communicate powerfully. So in the buddhist world, I mentioned earlier that the way you learn things, you need to, uh, you take two steps to learn something truly, you need to study it, and then you need to practice it. But if you only do one, you're really not gonna master it. So in our case, our study is in contemplating the communication styles were studying that, but the practice of mindfulness and ables us to actually bring it into our experience and use it when we're asking our boss for a raise or we're trying to get in navigating interview successfully or we want someone to go out on a date with us and we want to make a good conversation with them or we are around a negotiating table and we're trying to make things work out the way we want or we're just hanging out with friends and we wanna have a good, pleasant conversation. This is how we bring it into those rials situations when we have to have an argument when we want to tell someone we love them. This is what will help you communicate those things clearly. So I truly hope that this has been beneficial and that you will continue to contemplate he's very rich ideas of style and mindfulness. So before we go on, I want to do you have any questions or any lingering concerns, or any please about your tie using this information, don't be shy and they'll be time with me and for questions, too, if you'd rather not right now. Good. Yes, about the introvert and extra burden. No, believe it's, it's, whatever gains energy from the interaction is that right? So extroverted gains energy landrover gains energy from being alone. All right, that's. Yes, that is a great way to start thinking about which one you are. Where do you get your energy from? So then I guess the corollary does it have to be then, if one there's an introvert that you lose energy when you're it's like a gas tank or you know when you're interacting with others or is there way that still keep that energy and vice versa with the extra work can you be alone but not lose energy? Excellent question so of course it's always a matter of degree and some people are very introverted or very extroverted we all have both, but some people are extreme one way or another and others are more balanced. So are you if your question is oh do you have to lose energy from being alone when you are an extroverted? Can you somehow modulate your situation so that that doesn't happen? Was that answers? Yes, but it begins with awareness of who you are and how you work with your inner situation and that has basically been our theme for our entire time together is how do you work with your inner situation and most of the information about how to communicate or how to do business successfully or whatever focuses on the outer manifestation? Take these five steps or these three things with these two methods and they ignore the actual inner stance so we all have a way of being in the world that is external obviously we haven't appearance and we show up and we have a certain vibe and so on, but we have an inner inner presence and we're not often not taught in our world how to attune to that inner presence, how to value it, how to cherish it howto work with it and how to tune to the inter presence of another person that's what we're talking about here in this course is your inner life and deepening it I know that's not the question you asked, but I will say that if you want to change if you don't want to be at the mercy of your version you're introversion or your extra version start with awareness of what happens to you when you are alone or when you are with others and then you can work in the moment to stem the tide in some way but you can also respect that you just are that way and at some point you're gonna want to be alone or you're gonna go wanna hang out with others makes sense yes, I don't other than effective communication and the understanding about the process would you say that there is looking ahead if because I see like probably most people here both introvert and extroverts you know? And I thought introvert for sure because but, you know, in social situations especially performance I get tremendous energy from what's coming back, you know and that so that sounds like extroverts behavior to me yet I like being by myself and you know, so the big question is is thea ultimate thing being able to balance all of these things in a mindful way uh not in a manipulative way but in a mindful way to be able to recognize who you are and be ableto work with just absolutely every potential situation that's a big question and I would say it's the penultimate thing the penultimate thing is to utilize this information to be ableto work with any situation that arises and looking ahead that is the outcome yes that's the result of this but it's penultimate write the ultimate outcome is to realize but there is no such thing as introvert or extra burt or four or seven that he's our relative ways of viewing how reality works I'm talking like a you know a real buddhist here but that ultimately these air constructs that are part of a giant hole and that the value the primary value of this information as my favorite any grand teacher eli jackson bear says is not to figure out who you are but to figure out who you aren't this is this is what tricks you actually so this is to start to transcend will limit we first observed the limit so they penultimate option is to make your life workable and deep and meaningful and joyful and loving that's not bad could you just elaborate on that last point exile? So I looked at that book he wrote that you mentioned just now the subtitle is like liberation from yeah, my idea wasn't it sounds like also kerchief was something about once you understand these types and somehow you can like unravel it like so you could step out of that box or something yeah, I wonder even maybe is there the next step is you can kind of first different situation you could be a certain type that's needed like talk about different types of charisma or something and so I'm just curious yeah, the different parts that's yes, I would love to talk about that for the rest of my life um but that I'm just going to say a little bit about it because that's like a whole world a whole other that's another course um but yeah, the book that I recommended to you which I would recommend to anyone uh called from fixation to freedom or the n e a gram of liberation was published under two titles. Um talks about from fixation to freedom like this is our style is where we're sort of fixed and there's power to our style and beauty and goodness and meaning but at the same time it's also can be the place where we get stuck it's the place where we constantly sort of re create our illusions about who we are so you know the buddhist talk about things existing simultaneously on a relative and an absolute plain. So when we talk about the relative plane of this information, we're talking about the beauty and the power and so on. But the ultimate level is sort of transcending limits about which I know next to nothing. So I will. I will close my comments on that topic, therefore.