Lesson Info
13. Toxic Conversational Habits
Lessons
Class Introduction
08:38 2Patterns of Conversation
11:58 3Tools for Engaging in Small Talk and Conversations
26:45 4The Power of Eye Contact
12:08 5Breaking The Ice
19:24 6Getting In Tune and Reading Others
24:06 7Overcome Social Anxiety / Develop Social Confidence
25:13 8Get in Your Conversation Zone
11:51Lesson Info
Toxic Conversational Habits
When you all go back to work tomorrow, when you think of that guy or that girl, that everyone tends to avoid in the workplace, what do they look like? Do they corner you in the workplace and not stop talking? Do they give you this weird face every time they see you? Do they talk too little? Do they make you do all the work? Whatever the case, nothing else that I've talked about today matters at all if you have these toxic conversation habits to some degree. Why? Very simple. Your toxic habits. They're far stronger than your social confidence and charm. Negative feelings are far more powerful. People will avoid you if you have these toxic conversation habits. So let's get into them, let's see how we can deal with them. Anyone feeling self-conscious yet? On an individual level, on a one-time per hour, one-time per day level, yeah, these habits are fine. People can stomach them, but cumulatively, and this is something I'll definitely get into, cumulatively, they turn you into someone that...
people just simply tend to avoid. They're like, mm, I don't wanna bother with that. Mm, I'm not gonna go outside my office right now. Mm, I'm gonna wait to go to the bathroom. Bad habit number one. Always laughing first. When you laugh first at your own statement, question, joke. We've all done this, I think. And we definitely can picture someone that's doing it right now. We do this instinctively because we wanna make sure, basically, our mind works like, I'm gonna prime them with laughter so they'll think it's funny too. Like a decision by committee. So you're priming them to accept you, to accept your joke, your laughter, and to basically avoid rejection. As you're seeing, rejection is a large theme of the day. That drives a lot of what we're doing. What happens when we encounter someone like that? People are nice, we'll go along with it. But cumulatively, you are imposing your will on someone else. You're forcing someone to fake smile, 10 times an hour. How does that feel? Someone's will is being imposed on you. It's really as simple as that. And that's why always laughing first is bad habit number one. Number two. Conversational narcissism. When every topic, question, or statement somehow leads back to you. All roads lead to Rome. This is also generally when you don't ask about others and you only take the spotlight. So then this goes to that other question we were asking earlier in the morning. Do you know much about the other people around you? Do they tend to know much more about you? It's not just 'cause you're a great sharer. It's because you don't take an interest in other people. And these patterns, you know, these are very common patterns. Number three. Talked about this a little bit with reacting. But when you react too much or too quickly, yes, this is better than zero reactions and like, and feeling like you're talking to a wall. But it makes people feel rushed and like, you aren't listening. What was that rule? React slower but bigger. Two second rule. Not derailing your train of thought. Habit number four. This is when you refuse to give someone else the floor, even when they have the floor. Often done because people are just thinking, I just wanna say my piece. I'm not gonna acknowledge what they're gonna say. I'm just gonna wait for my turn to speak. Now, all of us definitely have someone in mind, right? Words like, the moment you finish talking, doesn't matter what you said. They act like they didn't hear it, they go on their own tangent. This is when they don't derail their train of thought. So I wanna break this down real quick. When you have two good conversationalists, you have a good exchange of ideas, right? Everyone is okay derailing. When you have one good conversationalist, one person steps to the side, the other steamrolls ahead. So one person thinks they have a good conversation, the other is probably very annoyed. When you have two people that are unwilling to derail your train of thought and they're just waiting for their turn to speak, it's not a dialogue, it's two monologues taking turns. Hilarious to see, but not be a part of. So derailing your train of thought is the point here. This is a good one. You're a member of the belief patrol. When you can't stand that someone else has different beliefs than you, doesn't agree with you. It's just different from you, it's judgmental, it's black-and-white thinking, and promise you, it's 100% driven by ego and pride. You wanna be right and you want other people to know that you're right. You wanna rub it in their face, you wanna dominate them to some aspect. Someone's wrong on the internet. Has anyone ever read YouTube comments? Yeah, so if you want a... if you want a first-hand experience, leave a YouTube comment that you think is nice and friendly, someone will attack you in some way, because you don't agree with them. They're a member of the belief patrol and you don't have to be that. The key is just agreeing to disagree. Here we have what we started the day with. Answering questions literally. When you take people's questions at face value. People aren't asking for that answer. They don't care about that answer. You don't wanna talk about your boring Saturday. They're asking for something engaging and interesting. Help them help you. We had one question that came up, kinda related to this. And the question was originally posted by Smurfy. And they wanted to know, how do you go about getting people to see you as more serious? People always tell me that I'm too laid back, always laughing and happy, even when I'm talking about more serious topics. So I guess, they wanna shape some of these conversations to make people see them in a more serious light. It seems to me, without knowing, with only having that information, that that person tends to preface every statement of theirs with laughter and also, laugh at themselves after they speak. So it might be actually a confidence issue in how they convey their message or convey themselves. Mm-hm, okay. So it's not so much a matter of getting other people to take you more seriously. It's be more secure in yourself and eliminating that bad habit, that will, I think, immediately change things. Great, we have another question here. This one kinda, it's really about what we talked about earlier but, I mean, can you touch on it now too. Some people were curious about this. Amber originally posted it. Amber wants to know about any specific signals or cues that you should be looking for, before moving on to deeper conversation. She says, I might think someone was weird if they got too deep in the conversation too soon. So as you're kinda building out your conversation topic, sometimes, I think, they can get toxic if you get too deep too soon. Any advice for Amber? I mean, other than... I think that question would take a lot to answer. And it's a lot. And it's probably just best to stick to the social cues that we talked about. The six, the three verbal and the three non-verbal. You just have to see if people are on the same page with you and willing to go there. And then, once you broach the topic, you have to gauge and watch their reaction very carefully.
Ratings and Reviews
a Creativelive Student
I would never have thought you could teach conversational skills. But Patrick's information is brilliant and does just that. Even just a few of his techniques have changed my ability to have a successful and fun conversation with anyone. A lot of the suggestions are actually easy to put into practice, even if you're shy. I'm so grateful for this course.
April S.
I'm listening in to a rebroadcast of this course. I am fairly confident in certain kinds of social situations with having conversations but I had to be very intentional about learning to do that over the years. Patrick's course has affirmed some things I was doing naturally so I know I'm on the right track, and he also gave lots of great tips about reading people to determine whether they are interested in the conversation, simple conversations starters and enders, and keeping a conversation moving. I gleaned some useful techniques in a short time and will definitely put them into practice. For anyone who wants to hone their ability to converse with others, as well as anyone who really struggles in this area, I think you'll find some very helpful explanations and techniques.