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The Wingman Strategy

So I wanted teo switch over a little bit to talk about another area which I think is important we were alluding to it earlier in the day and I think that this is this is an area that I will particularly highlight for those of you who feel a little bit nervous about personal branding if you if you're one of the people who when we were talking first thing this morning about oh my gosh, I don't know if I can do this you know, this is a little freaky the wing man strategy is for you and so as I was beginning to explain here is the deal there is research that has been done by two of my very favorite academics I'm going to be actually referring toe both of them a little bit later on because they've done multiple studies that I think you're quite fascinating but it's geoffrey feffer from the stanford graduate school of business and robert albini who is on emeritus professor at arizona state university and so the two of them teamed up with some other colleagues and they did a study that basica...

lly revealed two things the first one is something that we all know already instinctually which is that if you are regarded by other people as a braggart they will not like you and they will not listen to you we all know this and this is why many people fear personal branding however there's an interesting corollary to that point number two which is a lot less well understood and that is that if someone else if a third party says those same flattering things about you people will listen and they will think you are amazing and so coarse sometimes this happens by luck, right? It's o it's fantastic somebody said something nice about you to somebody else and they called you up and you've got a contract fantastic but it doesn't always happen in fact it doesn't happen very often usually because because it is chancy and it's usually not top of people's mind to do it. So what I will suggest to you is that with the wing man strategy we can actually become far more deliberate in how we use this powerful elements together. And so what I will suggest to you guys uh here in the studio and also to you guys at home is to find a trusted ally think about your friends and your colleagues you know who do you like? Who do you trust and who would you? This is really important who would you not hesitate to recommend to other people if you can find somebody that you really feel like it's totally solid you care about them, they've got your back go to that person and say I will make a deal with you if you talk me up at the next network you know insert networking event conference whatever it is you talk me up in the next networking event I will talk you up you know pretty simple but so powerful because first of all, hopefully if you're this person's friend you probably want to be doing this anyway, right? You like them so there's no reason why you wouldn't want to be helping, you know, spread the word about how cool they are that's you know, that's pretty easy this is not like, you know, personal branding you know, barbara was saying earlier like, oh it's so much easier to talk about a product of the news about myself guess what it's a lot easier to talk about your friend then it is talk about yourself too, so let's capitalize on that and the number two it's important because you have made an explicit packed because a lot of us would like to be supportive of our friends. But often the truth is we forget we get busy, we know our head's someplace else we don't do it. And so if you really make an agreement with someone and you say I'm gonna focus on this, I'm going to do it it becomes very powerful because you know you're you're really making an effort to get it done so that's that's I think what's what's great about it and so you have this deal you're looking out for your friend there looking out for you and in a lot of ways, you can basically take personal branding on worrying about that off the table because you don't even have to think about what you're going to say about yourself. You know, dave, that recovered. So what happens beforehand how you do this? Well, is that you really think about all right? What would I like them to say about me? What do I think are the most important things that if I could kind of get a message across to other people, you know, that would be the thing that I would pick. So you gotta be clear on that, and then you've gotta have a conversation with them to tow, listen and say, you know, ask the question back, okay? So if I were to say a few key things about you, what would what would be most meaningful if I was able to get that message across for you? So you just sort of do that trade get in your head and then you go and make it happen. So, you know, this is this is all well and good it's all well and good to know this I think we can probably instinctually say, yeah, I can I can do that for my friend awesome but what I would like to do with you guys now here here in studio since since we're here is I would love to do a wing man exercise with you and so what what I'm gonna ask you guys to dio is I would love to grab a couple of you and bring you up on stage to actually go through this and do you know sort of wing manning together so if if I you know could be bold enough teo pick a couple of you guys would it? Would it be possible tio tio maybe get you guys um you know that the two of you would you be willing to come on up here and do some wing manning with me? All right let's let's do it let's racket ladies yeah that's right? We're proud all right? All of you who want to know the dating strategy behind this too this is also a strategy can use everywhere one hundred percent yeah yeah okay, ladies, come on up you could we get two stools here so you can uh you can go do the stools fantastic. Have a seat, please. Okay, so you all we are each other's wing man this is this is a very powerful phenomenon right here so samantha and a debt we're going to do it and okay, so what? I would love it if you guys could could you let's take turns maybe we could start with you idiot and if you can just let samantha no you know what air if she's going to be your wing man what are the most important things that you would like her to convey about you if people could know just a few things what were they um let's see, so I call myself a human decor artist so I sort of combining fantasy styling and face and body painting and costuming and they kind of can bring out the mythical or iconic essence and people so do the sort of makeovers so, um I guess that would be important um kind of bringing the magic out and then bringing that to events and, um that I have like a fleet of characters and costumes and, uh you know, big entertainment agency that can sort of make fantastical dreams reality wow, cool. So do you feel you feel like you get that idea all right eyes if you do it's always okay to, like, ask follow up questions tio so okay, fantastic. And samantha, would you now mind sharing what you know, if people could only know a few things about you, what do you think would be really great to be able to be conveyed that on top of being a photographer I'm also a lover of stories and so I use that you know, passion of mine tio in my photography and off and my filmmaking as well, so I would want people to know that I'm very passionate about what I do, um, and that I'm driven teo, to produce a product that not only I'm going to live but your love and the generations to come. You can ask your questions. You? Yeah, can you tell me more about the film? Filmmaking like dio create small things, user thes air short films, so their creator creative I've done more promotional type of video includes it, including music videos and product videos is well, so you shoot and edit them. You say hope told you I do hold you here keeps it cheap for me. Yeah, and then in photography do you have, like, a specialization? Or you're mainly portrait photography. I've done some product, but my main focus is people. So whether that is, you know, a family portrait, head shots for for artists, a model photography. I think I use the term emerging motto a lot because he's a rh people that are, like new to the business. So I do a lot of coaching, but them as well. Awesome got it fantastic. So what I'm going to do now just to just to mix things up so you're each other's wing man you've got it in your head you know what you know whatthe wing manning is going to take you know what the goal is of getting it across so I would say at a party you know when you are trying teo really make sure that people understand about your friend would you ideally want to dio is to try to look for opportunities to make sure that your friend shines right? So sometimes that means that if if you hear something that seems relevant you say oh you know that's that's so interesting because my friend just did x y z I should bring her over here you should meet her oh that's wonderful or you know you so you facilitate a connection where it's appropriate or you know let's see your friends off in the other room you know you can you can tell a story about it and you could say oh you know afterwards you should really meet my friend she's fantastic you know here's you know x y z but it's it's either looking for opportunities to you know if the person is like kind of a special you know you know with a person be great for your friend to know see if you can kind of nudge the conversation in the direction so that it's relevant for you to mention your friend strengths or in a sort of seizing the moment kind of way if you hear something it's like oh great you know and bringing it in there so what I am going to do right now is I'll actually you know so if I could take your place samantha so thank you so much and I will hang hang out up here with a jet at a cocktail party and we don't know each other but we're getting to know each other right now right so I'm gonna be me you will be you and but you've got a secret mission ok so anyway she's they didn't do it okay yeah absolutely ok so hey, I'm dori really nice nice to meet you too thanks so um so you know who are you and tell me about you oh um yeah I'm a creative entrepreneur and um I I ran an entertainment company and I kind of helped other entertainers and artists get started and work with some great photographers and um you know, actually do photo students photo studios at events do you ever need any photography or videography services? And you're and you're touring and teaching work? Oh interesting amazing friend who's here I just was oh that's great yeah okay and so incidentally I'll just I'll just naturally graceful way we'll break scene they're safe so for technically just meeting you don't know who the heck I am or what I'm doing but since you know who I am it's like oh dorry awesome you know that you know then it's like we have a pre established relationships so in fact you're moved then was actually a very good move if you already know somebody and you're like homies and it's like no hey oh it's so great to see you hey I just had you know I've got this this friend and I just had this idea and you then you've been totally you if I was like a total stranger you probably want to have a little smoother soft cell yeah yeah but that was so that was really good if we already knew each other so okay so let's let's do it again and pretend that you like have no idea who I am okay okay awesome so you know uh so why don't you start initiate the conversation so hey hey nice to meet you what do you do oh thanks well you know I'm dori and I write books and I'm a marketing consultant and you know I travel around and give lectures things like that great how do you what's the what's the primary way that you promote yourself like how did how did people find out about you are oh yeah that's such an interesting question well, I blocked a lot and, um you know there's a lot of word of mouth too so so you know, oftentimes clients will mention me to each other and I know, you know, like any entrepreneur, I'm trying to get better and more disciplined about reaching out to past clients and asking for suggestions and things like that, but those air probably the primary ways, maybe through my writing and then through referrals yeah, I have no I know and that's also, the thing is, like, it feels awkward to sort of have a hidden agenda when I want to just sort of have a conversation and I wouldn't want to, like, try and put my own shove my own business onto in the same way I wouldn't want to, like, put somebody else's unless there's a natural lead in exam, but but keeping an eye out for that and then and then when it opens, then coming in with that. But that's the difference between a weird networking situation where, like somebody's, just trying to impose themselves on universes, actually have a report, right? So it's kind of awkward to be like, expected teo insert that promotion told what it doesn't feel natural. Yeah, and and and this is great. This is like, why we're doing it because you're one hundred percent correct, so going back to a point that we mentioned a little bit earlier, like in the first section we're talking about you know like sort of the networking sleeves factor you know my uh my friend at harvard business school francesca gino she talks you know, the phrase that's uses which is interesting is instrumental networking e treating people like instruments treating them like tools and that if you know does that make people feel sleazy yes, of course because that is sleazy and you want I mean there's nothing wrong we're wanting to meet someone and hoping that it will lead to some positive professional outcome but it isthe wrong to treat people like a tool and literally like every person you meet like you know I'm gonna go to this party and I'm going to talk about cement twenty times you know this is this is not gonna work very well but so what I would suggest in a situation like this is that you should think about like triggers and so what do you know what our kind of common good triggers to bring up samantha's work and you know she could of course do the same thing for you and so you know let's you know samantha kept mentioning models and you know, that's one out of many things but for instance if we were at you know I mean that might be slightly random for like, you know, uh, chamber of commerce event but if we were at an entertainment industry event it's like oh anytime you know models come up it actually is legitimately relevant to be like oh that's so interesting you know I have a friend who specializes in making videos for emerging models and you know oh you know that's that's not just pushing someone it's a legitimate conversation thing like oh wow how did she get into that are you know oh cool is anyone she's ever worked we've gotten really famous you know you can you can ask a variety of different questions so it z kind of taking it a step further you want to know what what the things are that you should mention about the person but then think about what are the likely scenarios where where it comes up so for instance you know maybe as you have the conversation is you get to know samantha better you find out well so what? You know when people buy from you what are the most common triggers like, you know what kind of prompt someone to want to do that maybe it turns out that a lot of people are buying these videos because it's really cool like birthday present for somebody maybe that's maybe that's the thing yeah and so if somebody mentions a birthday for them or somebody else it's like oh, you know, I I just heard about the coolest birthday gift and like that I mean her and I actually bundle what we do together because I have this I have the airstream that is like a photo video studio with makeup stations oh it's for a specifically for kind of similar like which what she does so I would be more comfortable kind of like, you know, promoting her and as part of you know, like I have sort of a network of our makeup artists and photographers and stuff it feels more natural if it was like a strategic alliance then I'm just you know, kind of plugging somebody but yeah, we'll force I'm sort of foisting samantha on you right now so presumably as your as you're choosing you know you're your wingmen like who you tout and who other people tell you you can totally pick people that you know that our strategic partners air like your best friend or whoever you would only ever want to do this with somebody that you're you know you're feeling really good about about promoting absolutely so yeah and you know it it's so good we literally have found ways to solve all problems we found you a horse photographer friend and you guys are now gonna partner is like you wait you have done a fantastic job? Yes, I hereby dismiss you. Wait, what are we hearing from from the crowd here while we're hearing we're hearing what they think is the takeaway mean mom, I hope you're not me and mean more uh but that's a funny handle name conversation is the key to all of this be interested ask questions, get contact information make the connections later in the follow up that works well and consistently and gives you less pressure do you agree that that's some of the takeaways from from this yeah, I think I think those were definitely important ones absolutely I mean because because yeah if you're if you're doing this you really want to feel comfortable in doing it I mean, anybody can see I mean, you know we're a cz humans were pretty good at like sensing the hidden emotions you know? And so if somebody is feeling like really weird about you know, selling their friend that's that's not going to go very well you need teo you know you need to feel legitimately comfortable like it's you know it's no big thing it's like oh, hey, you know you you want to be excited you want to be like, oh my gosh, I have the coolest thing to tell you about my friend's doing x y z and if if you feel good about it and you feel engaged in enthusiastic then other people will sense that whereas if you're kind of freaked out bill sense it too it's not gonna work so lots of conversation do it with somebody that you do feel comfortable with and do it in a way you feel comfortable with you being a couple of comments also on you know ways to sort of get people to ask the questions about that person like for instance, maybe you're really interested in something they do that's slightly ten gentle but a little bit involved, you know? So I think you do there's a lot of discussion on your right people aren't tools die ism is tall, so you have to be interested if you're not interested with the super super call message, you've probably got no interest in a peripheral bit that will lead people to ask the question yes, just call on dh what has just done an interesting one to which I'd be interested in how dari follows up with the people she made sit networking events because so many times you exchange business card and then nothing happens yeah like you have a whole segment on that networking thing, but as a matter of fact I do we're going to we're going to talking more about it tomorrow so I hope you guys will will tune in tomorrow for that, but just briefly teo address it now well, we're talking about it. Yeah, it is it's really important it's it's so common you know you you uh you trade the card and then yeah goes in like the bottom of the drawer you never do anything with it and so what I would suggest is this I'm gonna be talking tomorrow about a really cool idea cool cool guy in a cool idea called the mckay sixty six and I'll tell you more about that, but the basic idea is that you you know as you're having conversations with people don't just think it the surface don't just, you know, be like so what's your job you know, all this sort of silly things try during the time that you have together even if it's short you know it's again like due to clubs, not ten clubs speak to two people, not ten people get to know them so that you have enough information about them ask enough questions so that you actually really have a sense of them is a person so that you know how to follow up with them. I mean, if I know one thing about somebody it's not like that can really carry me very far, you know, like, oh, yeah email about that one thing forever, you know it's not gonna happen, whereas if you have a meaningful conversation, if you spend like, fifteen minutes with somebody talking when you learn about you know what, you know, where they went to school and what they like to do for fun and you know what? You know how old their kids are and things like that that actually gives you multiple nodes that you can communicate on. And so when you think about how do I stay in touch for the person it's actually far more intuitive because you can do things like, you know, if they've said that there are really huge fan of a particular sports team, the next time the sports theme plays, it can be a trigger for you to be like, oh, I should, you know, send him a note congratulating him that his team won or something like that, it just provides more excuses to be ableto build something that can actually turn into a sustainable relationship. Great, great. So just to clarify, I mean, mom, actually mean, it means she means what she says she says what she means without being I mean, on dh time capsule had a really good point, it's not so much on the arranged meeting thing, but this is actually something I do, too. I really like this time capsule says at trade shows, I walk around, look at other people's boots for set up ideas and different lightweight furniture to use that might be better than what we've done, but it's also a great way to start conversation and connect with all the other businesses on that level that we're all here to try to charge doing out thing, so it doesn't sound style z but everybody immediately relate, and then you swap out what you do and there's usually a point of commonality, and then you'll start talking in it. Yeah, that's that's behind the same tragic thing. Yeah, that's, awesome, and I and I love that part of why I love it is that one of the best ways to connect with people is teo really build appear level relationship? I mean, that's, that's? What everybody's looking for? Right? Because if you if you come to somebody and you're sort of a supplicant in some way like, you know, oh, I'd really like to meet you because, you know, like in parentheses because I want something from you, and I want you to buy something from me or you're really powerful, and I think you can help me like people can totally sense that and it's, just a weird it's I mean, it's, a weird kind of debasing power dynamic, first of all, because you're kind of grovel in a little bit and it also puts them in a weird situation. They're like, oh, god, why did I wantto have this person? Why don't I want to introduce them into my life if they just once, if they just want something from me like nobody, nobody wants that it's like you know, somebody won the lottery and all of their relatives come out of the woodwork. What you want to do in our internet have a real relationship with somebody is to connect on a pier level so critical you gotta find a way to make somebody appear, even if you were a twenty two year old woman and somebody is a sixty five year old male ceo, you know, even if it's, like, I don't even know what I have in common with this person and he's got more money and he's older and, you know, like, you know, we can't even relate because we're both the same gender you've somehow it's a trick, you gotta find a way to act, like, appear to that person, and if you could do that, they're going to say, oh, wow, okay, she's got something to say, I want to listen to her, but you're in trouble if you can't find a way to do that. But so finding anyway to relate it, pierre, is you know, you look for it, so maybe the pier level relationship is hey were both vendors at this trade show, so that's, you know, we're on the same level, maybe it's, that you're both stands of the same sports teams, so you're appears as fans. I you know, when I was in college, uh, I, you know, it's kinda random when I when I was in, so I actually was in graduate school, and I wasn't like my early twenties in graduate school. And I was dating this woman who is in her mid thirties, who was in graduate school very, you know, scandalous, right? But it was a long time ago, but put anyway, you know, I probably wouldn't have dated somebody who is fourteen years older than me at the time like that, you know, that's, like kind of a big difference in your in your early twenties. But we were both in graduate school, and so what would have been totally bizarre if she was in the work force at the moment, like suddenly was equalized? And so, similarly, if you can find a way to equalize that relationship, then become legitimate peers that say you can have a real, powerful, lasting connection.