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During the Negotiation - Money Talk

Number four, okay. We've done it. We're transitioning now into the money talk. Now, what do we do? The last phase is money. I already asked you, does talking about money make you nervous? I really hope that this section is gonna help you feel like this is actually the most important part of the negotiation in a good way. Mental negotiating: remember, sometimes channeling, if you're a nervous negotiator, there's a couple things you can do. Just tricks that I have used in the past that helped me. One, imagine you're negotiating on behalf of a friend. So this interesting thing happens in the brain. Whey they asked people in a brain scanner to imagine their future self, they used the same part of the brain as when they thought about a celebrity. So there's something about when we think about either an alternate part of ourselves or our best friend or someone we really want to fight for that actually helps us get out of these repeat brain patterns of impostor syndrome or I'm not worthy or i...

t won't work. So imagine what your friend would say in the room if she were negotiating for you or if you are negotiating for you. This also helps with feelings of humility, so if you're feeling like I can't ask that much, I'm not worthy of that much. For a friend, you would do it. Another mental trick, imagine negotiating as the smartest person you know. So sometimes it takes that little mental trick to be like okay, what would that person say? I have both those people in my mind that I sometimes use when I'm in a really tense negotiation. That doesn't happen very often, but I will literally picture them. Like, what would they say, how would they respond to this? Lastly, imagine how your negotiation win will benefit everyone else. Sometimes it is hard to ask for our worth because we feel like it's all for us. That is not true. You're providing tremendous value. So the other way that can help get you out of that anxiety is to think, this is going to help this person in all of these ways. Like even before I walked out here, I was like so nervous about getting through all of the slides and meeting all of you for the first time. I was like, this is to help people. Everyone walking out of this room will then be able to more confidently ask for what they need. That made me feel a lot calmer about, okay, if I mess up a couple of slides or I make a weird cliche and mess it up, it will be okay. 'Cause I know that the end goal, the win, the benefit is worth it. Let's go to the science. How to talk about money. So as we remember, confidence is contagious. There's also a huge nonverbal piece here. The nonverbal feedback loop is incredibly important. You signal to others how you feel about your rates with your nonverbal. That is because we give more weight to our body language. We give 12.5 times more weight to words. So if you say, "I would love to work with you "and I cannot wait to have you as a client. "The price of my services is $7,500." (laughing) Right? You don't believe a word that I'm saying and you can see this change, so the nonverbal piece here is really important. Research has found it's 12.5 times more, but I think in negotiation, it is way more. We are just giving more weight to that nonverbal. So researchers analyzed body language in 2,000 videotaped settlement negotiations. They found that negotiators who did not cross their legs were more likely to accept a deal. The actual fact, I did not put this on here because I just have trouble believing it. The actual fact was not a single person with crossed legs got a deal which sounded like a little bit much to me, but I get the idea here. The idea here is when we have a closed body, we tend to be more close-minded, we speak in shorter sentences. That also signals to others, I am not sure I feel so confident about this. So open body, signals open mind. Yeah, everyone like shake it out. That's good, I like it. So this is the next concept of the course, nonverbal feedback. The body speaks louder than words. Two things, we are watching and we are controlling. We are both decoding and encoding. We are watching for negative nonverbal messages to make sure, uh oh, that they just crossed their arms all of a sudden for the first time all meeting. (inhales sharply) What did I just say? Part number one. We are also encoding. We are trying to send signals of confidence as we deliver our most important points. So there's two aspects of nonverbal that we're talking about. Alex Pentland, MIT found that researchers were able to accurately guess to within $1, what salary would be offered without hearing the negotiation. Watching silent videos, simply based on when did the negotiator get closed versus when did the negotiator get open, they were able to predict within $1,000. They were counting the positive signals as well as spotting the negative signals. So here are a couple of very basic things. Again, if you want to go into this, try the Power of Body Language course. Here are my kind of basic ones. Open body language, positive nonverbal. Three specific things I want you to keep in mind. One of the most positive nonverbal things we can do is the slow triple nod. The one, two, three. It is a nonverbal way of saying I hear you, I am listening, please tell me more. When someone is nodding along with your words, you also know, ah, we are in agreement, we are on the yes ladder. The nonverbal triple nod, the three-triple nod shows you you are on the yes ladder. It is a way of getting that nonverbal agreement. Open torso and leaning in. So typically, not always 'cause sometimes people can be cold. Context does change things. Typically, open body equals open mind. So always having my torso exposed, my toes, my torso, and my head aimed at the person I'm speaking with, and being very careful not to, you'll notice I never teach like this. I very rarely even have it in my hands. I would like to have it in my hands, but I know that it is a way that I'm accidentally going into blocking. So make sure that your computer, your coffee mug. When I'm in negotiations, even if I have my computer in front of me, I will typically slide it over to the side so that it's not in between me and the person I'm talking with. Open body, also crossed legs and crossed arms which matters a little bit less if you're seated under a table, but it is something to consider. Leaning in. When we like someone, we want to move closer to them. It's called proxemics, the space between people. When we like a concept we'll be like, oh, really, tell me more, and we lean in towards it. So also looking for those leans is a great way to see if you're on the yes ladder. Opposite for hesitant body language. Blocking, leaning back, and a special note here, covering or touching the face. So there is a specific kind of blocking called eye blocking which is when people will rub at their eyes, take off their glasses, rub their glasses, pinch the bridge of their nose. When we do lie-detection research, and we just did a huge lie-detection study in our lab, we found that liars typically engage in eye blocking 'cause it's like they're trying to block out the guilt or the bad news or the fear. So anytime that you are touching your face, you are signaling discomfort. Anytime someone else touches, bites their nails, touches the bridge of their nose, you're also sensing a little bit of discomfort. Just about watching and spotting for those clues. I'm going through those pretty fast. Was that good? Are we good on this? Alright. Does anyone remember, whoever watched by body language class and Noel, yeah, you're not allowed to answer. Does anyone remember what the universal gesture of shame is? Anyone? So the universal gesture of shame is when someone touches the upper corner of their forehead. So whenever you watch those shows where they reveal something or a prank comes out, you always see them go, oh. It's a form of eye blocking and you'll notice people do it when they're asked a question that makes them a little embarrassed. The reason why I point this out to you is because it's very important to know when you've brought up a topic that makes someone a little embarrassed. Money can make people embarrassed. So if someone can't afford something, you see that shame. This is a perfect time to say, you know, we have an installment plan, I'm happy to do it. You know, I've noticed with a lot of other people this part can make them a little bit nervous, but let me try to soothe what you're feeling. Here's all the ways that we make this a better thing for you. I'm immediately going into reassurance. So watch out for that shoulder... That shoulder? Forehead touch, that's the universal shame gesture. I also want to teach you just a few micro-expressions. I decided I would test you, see who remembers the micro-expressions from Power of Body Language. At home, you can play too. What face is this? Surprise, amused, curious, or fear? How many people think it's surprised? How many think it's amused? How many think it's curious? How many think it's fear? Alright, this one is the universal gesture for fear. This is one of the most important micro-expressions to watch out for in negotiation. Specifically, when we have fear, we raise our eyebrows up, we raise our eyelids up so we can take in as much of the environment as possible. We're trying to see is there an escape route? Is there a snake? Then, we open our mouth (gasps) to take in oxygen in case we have to yell for help or fight. So this is a survival mechanism and I want to show you a really quick video. This was a video that we did for our Master Your People Skills course after the Power of Body Language course. We asked a question and she flashed fear at us right before she answered and I want you to see what that looks like. What personal passion project are you working on right now, if any? Personal passion project? Oh god, I don't know. (laughs) I don't know. I just bought a camera and I haven't made anything since college, so I'm working on trying to find a project to work on. There is is, okay. (laughing) So we see fear all the time. In a negotiation, you want to be very attuned. This is why I like if I can do face-to-face or a video negotiations, the moment you see fear, you want to pause, rewind, and explain. Whatever you just said or whatever they just realized made them feel that flash of anxiety. If we were going through that interview, if she was in an interview with us, I would've gone back to that question and been like, you know, I know talking about personal passions is kind of a crazy thing. It's totally okay if you don't have any or if you can't think of anything. That might have given her permission to say, you know, I bought this camera, but I haven't used it. That could've been the explanation for the fear. Next one, are you ready? Is this face amused, disgusted, upset, or embarrassed? How many people think it's amused? How many people think it's disgust? How many think it's upset? How many think it's embarrassed? Very good, most of you got it right. It is disgust. The reason why this comes up in negotiations is because disgust comes up when you ask someone a preference-based question and they're not sure quite how to answer you. So really important one to watch out for. It's specifically the face we make when we smell something bad. You can make it with me now if you want. Crinkle your nose up, flash your teeth, very good. It's like ugh. We also make it when we hear something we don't like. If someone flashed disgust at you, or fear, the moment you say your price, you know you have two options. Fear, reassurance. Explanation of what goes into that. Disgust, you have not finished showing all of your assets. You have not done enough interest matchmaking. So those facial expressions are really important to watch out for the moment you mention cost or money. Did anyone spot disgust in this video? So let's watch it again. See if you can see it. What personal passion project are you working on right now? So there we go. There's the fear. Personal passion project? Now. Oh god. I don't know. (laughs) Wait a second. I don't know. Here we go. I just bought a camera and I haven't made anything since college, so I'm working-- There it goes. On trying to find-- Do you see it? A project to work on. So there's that fear and there's that disgust. By the way, do this for a second. Like life (mumbling). It's really hard to do this. (laughing) You don't often do this, so when you see that, you know that it's like a little disgust. I think she felt like disgusted that she hadn't used the camera much. It was a waste of money for her. So both, in that little, little, tiny verbal answer, you see fear, you see disgust, and you also see contempt. Did anyone see the contempt? So contempt is a one-sided mouth raise. At the very end of the video, she holds that contempt. A little bit, I think, maybe of like oh, why didn't I use that camera? Why haven't I done anything with my personal passions? So a 10-12 second segment and in it you see three very important micro-expressions and you learn a lot about her. One, we asked too personal of a question too quickly. She's probably introvert with that fear. Second, she was disgusted with herself for not using it, for wasting that money. And three, we didn't need to make her feel bad 'cause she already felt pretty bad about it. So reading nonverbal gives a huge edge in negotiations. Contempt, again, that one-sided mouth raise, that smirk. Always watch out for that. Specifically if you see contempt, you want to pause. So figure out where did that come from? What just happened? Where's the information? Rewind. Okay, you know what, let's review some of those assets and shared interests. Let's do some more interest matchmaking. Lastly, let me explain more. I clearly haven't explained enough. So contempt is a really important one. Vanessa, as you know, in this day and age when you're pitching an idea or you're negotiating with a group, what are the things you're gonna run into as multiple, diverse environment with different cultural expectations? Some nonverbals come across differently across different cultures like crossing your legs. In some cultures that's polite and respecting your audience. Right. Or it could be translated as closed. How do you account for those kind of things? Sure. I'm gonna answer that during Q and A (laughs). Yes, I will answer that. So, if you have questions about, we have a whole Q and A section and we're gonna do a whole bunch of Q and A. I also dive into that a lot in the Power of Body Language course as well, so I'll try to answer it quickly as well. Can I save it for the Q and A or is it about this last one? Oh, yes, then tell me, yes. So when you are in a negotiation and you notice something that they have done. I guess, I'm just thinking like how do you address it without? I'm worried that I would notice it and I would start to address it or answer that and then they might become offended 'cause they don't know that they've done it. For sure, yes. Yeah, you get what I'm trying to ask? I totally get the question. So when you spot something, it's not like you're saying, hold everything, I spotted some anger, let me talk about that. You're not even really saying, you know, you look disgusted. Let me explain. (laughing) You're not doing that. So it would be more like you're talking, they flash fear or disgust at you. For example, I have seen moments of fear and disgust on your faces. I have addressed that fear by giving more explanation. I don't think any of you noticed that I then changed my answer. When I see fear, I went, oh, I probably said something confusing. Or you know what, I'm gonna give another example here. So the slides are based on my reading of your micro-expressions on when I need to go longer and when I need to go shorter. So usually I won't even say, "I just spotted something," or, "I just saw something." I just know mm, mm, there was like a little hangup here. I'm gonna either give another example, give more reassurance, ask a question. So I'm not telling them that I'm doing it, but I'm modifying as I go if that makes sense. So the big thing here is raise your expectations. We're talking about money. Students who asked for an implausibly-high salary, $100,000 when their last salary was $29,000 okay. Those subjects got more money on average, $35,000 compared to $32,000. That is a huge difference in salary, so I want you to raise your expectations a little bit. Okay, we always undervalue ourselves, so that's my one thing here is think about going a little bit higher. This is also called anchoring. So the more that you ask for, the more they set or see your value. Chase Jarvis actually taught me this. So Chase Jarvis who started CreativeLive, he taught me that I have to start pricing higher. In fact, he recommended me to a fellow company that he was working with and he said I recommended you as a speaker, but you have to charge five times your rate. (laughs) I was like, five times? He was like, five times. He's like, and I'm not going to refer you unless you quote five times your rate. And I got five times my rate. So sometimes it takes the smartest person you know or a friend to do that on behalf of you. So what would your friends say you need to charge for? Remember, your rates are a signal. They signal the quality of work that you spend. As Chase Jarvis likes to say, if your rates are industry average, you signal you do average work, they will get average treatment, and you are only average. So we have to make sure we set the average higher. I believe it is time to ask for more. The question is who gives the first number? Anyone thinking about that? How do you say your first price? Okay. Biggest mistake, never giving the first number or always giving the first number. There is no one hard or fast rule. In fact, it's more of an if this, then that. So here's how it works. They should share their number first in specific circumstances. So you should try to ask them what their range or their budget is in three cases. One, you have no idea what the cost should be. If you are really like, I have no idea what someone's gonna charge for this, I have no idea what their budget is, they should give you the range first. When you think you might be undervaluing yourself. So if you have an inkling that you're undervaluing yourself, but you just don't know how much, do not give your number first. Second, when you can give a range. So it's actually okay to give a range, especially if you think you're in the right area. Sometimes you can let them give their number first 'cause you know if that's gonna be in your range or not. You should give your number first, this is when you should give your number first, if you know exactly what you want. If you know that you have a minimum, like you're not going below that minimum, you want to make sure, don't give the minimum, but you want to make sure that you're at least anchoring them to higher than that minimum. Otherwise, you're gonna be too far from the middle. If you want to set the bar high, if you want to prime them. That's like, this is a really high-value service, I know people who will actually say in one line. When they get asked if they're a speaker, they reply back, yes, I'm already booked for the fall and my rate is an extremely high number and they give the high number. If you're interested, let me know. Interesting negotiation tactic. What they're saying is, I'm above average. I'm nowhere close to anywhere else in the industry. If you want to take a risk and you have that kind of budget, I'm your person. Very interesting negotiating tactic. Before they give any kind of proof or anything. Lastly, you might want to give a number if you can't give a range, meaning if you don't have a lot of wiggle room, like you know that this is your service, it's published on your website, you don't want to go off that. You're better off saying like, this is my number. There's really very little wiggle room here. We can talk about other options for value, but this is my number. So it's kind of an if this, then that. There's never one hard and fast rule. There shouldn't be, right. Every negotiation is different. So this is kind of a guideline for you and it's also in the workbook. Which are you, by the way? So I'm just curious by raise of hands, how many people think that they are likely to give their number first? They think that they fall in that? About half. How many people think that they want the other person to give the offer first? Almost evenly split. Okay, so I want you to play with that. Alright, take a couple notes, see which negotiations go better when you do or do not give a number. In your workbook, I have money scripts for you. So if you are nervous talking about money, the last option for you. I would rather you go through the first things, but the last option is use my scripts. So I actually have written out exactly what I say when I give numbers, both in email and in person. So you're welcome to ask that. Also, how to phrase a range, how to ask for them to give a range, how to ask for rates. I have a couple of scripts in there that you can just copy and use for you.