Lessons

Lesson Info

Discover & Address Emotional Needs

I wanna talk to you guys I wanna ask you, on the chatrooms, at home, on Twitter and in my audience, what are your client's emotional needs? So when you're talking about your clients when you're meeting with them what kind of things are they usually coming to you with? So, hum, Meg, when you're talking to people or readers, what kind of things, what kind of emotional needs do they usually have? I would say the biggest emotional need is that they're feeling incompetent or guilty or overwhelmed because they're facing a problem that they think they should be able to solve and they can't. Okay. How about, Jumrey, with your clients, what kind of things are they usually expressing with you what do you feel is our underlying emotional need there? Confidence. I think it's the need to act with confidence to be confident about how they're showing up to understand the way that that can happen and also just to feel like they know what they're doing. Confidence and control, absolutely. Irina...

how about you? I would say acceptance and reassurance. Oh acceptance and reassurance so they are feeling afraid they need acceptance and reassurance-- There is yes, there is an afraid because most of the women believe that they don't look good, especially when it comes to camera, there's always extra pounds to lose and whatever else other reasons, so it's probably the strongest thing that I see. Got it, insecure-- So they want to hear they want to get it, the acceptance and reassurance to believe themselves that they're actually beautiful. Okay I love that, Max. I have to think about this one a little more. That's okay, and you know, if you don't see clients if you're in business and you're at work, you can also think about what are the emotional needs of your colleagues, you know when you're in meetings you're working on projects, this is the same thing, right, you're trying to tap into, when you're in a meeting what do you find are, what are people wanting. What, are they frustrated do they want answers? That can be a big one. Is it team work, do they just wanna find it collaborative, so you can also think of it as that if that helps a little bit, but I promise, I'll come back to you last, Sarah. So I hope no one that I work with is listening but I do a lot of Copywriting work and what I find and what I've learned through sort of struggling through it is that a lot of times people need to have their egos massaged. They'll come to me with copy, and I'll rewrite it, and there's this pushback I get the disgust a lot. And it's not because I'm a bad copywriter I hope, but I think it's because people, again like that reassurance want me to say this is good let's do X, Y and Z little tweaks to it then you're good to go. Right. Ego stroking is a really hard one, and you do get the discuss or the contempt. Either they're afraid that they're not good enough or they're like what is she telling me, people get in that defensive mode, so you're constantly having to disarm people, okay. We're gonna talk about that. Sachi how about you? So I thought it was growth, 'cause I'm doing marketing, but I'm thinking about it now like two words that people have mentioned to me are safety and trust. Oh they mention those words to you? Yeah like once I like, you make people feel safe. Oh wow. Kind of like that. So that's interesting, so, Sachi just mentioned I've heard those words mentioned to me. So we're talking about reading their body, reading their face, we're not talking about words but words are incredibly important. People will often say what they need from you and that is exactly the kind of thing that you want to try to identify to a align with, wow okay, they're saying safety, they want someone they can trust they want a website that they can depend on, like they use those kind of words, right, and then you can actually mirror that in your own actions and how you treat them. By making sure to say I am here for you. I mean that's a whole point in business is you're trying to find people that you can be on the same side, right, that is the whole goal. And so by thinking about what are the client's emotional needs or what are my colleagues' emotional needs it's trying to get on the same size. Max did you have any further thoughts? It's totally okay if not. I deal with some clients who are frustrated due to the lack of sales so it's a matter of working with them to ease their frustration 'cause ultimately it comes out of fear that they're not gonna be happy that, you know, that they have to go back to their colleagues and say that working through our service isn't getting any sales for them. Absolutely so fear, right, it starts with the fear, you know we're not selling enough, we're not making enough money, and that comes out as, either attacking or reassure me, right? It's interesting how, that's, those are secondary emotions so we've talked about primary emotions and secondary emotions. Primary emotions are the basis of what someone is feeling and we're trying to get to the underlying feeling what comes out is their secondary emotion so they're angry at you even though they're afraid they're not gonna make enough money that would be a secondary response to how they're feeling. So what I wanna do now is I wanna show you a video, it's actually, it's all audio. What we're gonna do is I'm gonna show you an audio clip of a client speaking, then I'm gonna show you the video of that clip and we're gonna see the difference. You're gonna be able to hear some of the emotions on the phone. You are gonna be able to hear that, and then when you see the video you're gonna see how many more emotions come out, so I'm just training our brain to listen and look for underlying emotions, so we're gonna play it and I want you to listen to, write down what emotions you think you can hear based on the vocal tone and the tonality of the clip. So I'm so excited for our wedding photos I just want them to be realistic and just show the love that Scott and I have for each other. I wanna make sure that we have photos outside and inside include all of that, definitely wanna make sure have photos with every important guests especially our closest family members, hum, I'm not sure about black and white, they're okay but don't really care either way on that one. The biggest thing is I don't wanna miss anything I wanna make sure we capture every moment and don't let me forget I need to talk to you about the engagement photo session costs. Okay so this was a clip, she actually just got married so this was before she got married, and I asked her to tell me about what she wants out of her wedding photos, 'cause I knew that we'd have a lot of photographers listening it's a great way for us to hear when someone's describing a project to you whether that's a client or a colleague, what are the underlying emotions that happen. So what did you hear, what do you think that you could hear from her voice? It's very important for her the opinion of her family. Okay something about family. It's the family and the whole event is pretty much for the family. Okay, so family we've picked up on. Absolutely when we see the video we're gonna see what exactly was around family, yeah? So I think there's a little bit of fear with that because she feels like she has to please her family and her friends and get pictures with everyone and capture every single moment. Okay so fear, something about family, yeah? I think there was like, a combination of anger and contempt. Okay. The way she's listing all these different things, means she's been burned by someone before. Tightness-- Yeah. In the okay, okay so this would be something to watch out for, okay, so any other emotions, yeah? I think she has a little bit of contempt for the engagement like it's an after thought but it's not the main dish. Okay. Something about the engagement photos, so that was, yeah? It was probably something about the price, she's not happy because she sees that engagement as just another expense which is forced on her. Okay yeah. Yeah and the, she didn't, I thought she was saying I don't see why you would want me to have black and white, it's not important to me why are you adding that to the whole idea. Oh God you guys are so good, okay. So I'm like blown away with this, so, we found a hot spot area. Hot spot is hidden emotions right, black and white, family, and the engagement photo something about the price, right. Do you have something else to say too? Something, I just-- There's something else, yeah, uh-huh? There was that little thing of, well of course we should be shown that we're in love, but then here's all this other stuff that's really more important. And that was a little bit about what we were talking about, like the listing. So it's so interesting that we just listened to one clip, right, no video, and that, you can get a lot, by someone's voice tone on the phone, a lot. And we identified the correct areas by the way just from that one clip, yeah, one more thing. I also get the feeling that, she, whatever she lists as her expectations is more of things that are forced on her rather than, this is her genuine wish what she wants to have, it's more, they're external. There are reasons behind what she's saying. Yes it's very external. Yeah? Related to that there's either sadness or regret. About like, what lead to the position she's in. Like she'd like to change something but she can't. She just has to go forward with this. Okay so what's really interesting here and this is exactly what we do in business, is we identify the underlying emotions right we hear, okay I heard a little sadness, I heard a little bit of anger, I heard a little bit of fear, and then we rationalize it. So it's so interesting. I just asked you to identify the emotions, that was it. But yeah we made a whole story. She's being forced to do all these things at her wedding that she doesn't wanna do, she like, we made the whole-- Like she doesn't wanna have the wedding. Right exactly so this is really important. When you're dealing with clients, you have to identify the underlying emotions and then you have to identify your hypothesis for why those emotions are happening. Because those could or could not be true. The underlying emotion is there and we're gonna see it on her face, but we don't know why and that is our job to then go into information gathering mode about what is the story? Is it family, is it not? So that's really important that we automatically go in and this is called lensing, when we guess or rationalize the reasons behind emotions it actually helps us not see the truth, right? So let's say you're right, great. But sometimes if you're not right, you already have the story in your head, and so you don't actually see what's happening, so what I want you to do is just identify the underlying emotions and then figure out, okay, I'm hypothesizing this is their stories, let's figure out if they're true, into verification mode. Does that make sense? But you guys are really good. So watch this video now, there where three hotspot areas and you identified all three of them, okay, so I'm gonna show you the video, and then we're gonna slow it down later and look at the micro expressions. So write down which micro expressions you see in this video see how many that you can catch. So I am so excited for our wedding photos I just want them to be realistic and just show the love that Scott and I have for each other. I wanna make sure that we have photos outside and inside, include all of that, definitely wanna make sure I have photos with every important guest, especially our closest family members. I'm not sure about black and white, they're okay but don't really care either way on that one. The biggest thing is, I don't wanna miss anything, I wanna make sure we capture every moment, and don't let me forget I need to talk to you about the engagement photo session cost. You guys it's so good right, did you see all those? So you heard it. You heard it. Now seeing the video, this is why video chat is great. Phone is okay, you can hear it, but this gave you so much more clarity 'cause you were able to see the emotions right on her face so what did we see. Well a quick question so the narrowing of her eyes when she did this, you know I wanna make sure that I can see the client beast come out there, I'm gonna hold you accountable. And that would be a really important like is like, okay, star, asterisk, this is really important, right, that would be that narrowing, that is what I want. Right? What else do we see? Contempt. Oh and even a little bit of disgust over the black and white Yeah, contempt and disgust, there was one other, did anyone catch it? Fake smile. Ah yes, the absence of happiness yes, we saw real happiness, and then we saw that fake happiness. So do you wanna watch it one more time or you, let's watch it one more time, see if you can catch it and then I'm gonna slow it down and we're gonna freeze frame it okay? So I am so excited for our wedding photos I just want them to be realistic and just show the love that Scott and I have for each other. I wanna make sure that we have photos outside and inside include all of that, definitely wanna make sure I have photos with every important guests, especially our closest family members, I'm not sure about black and white, they're okay but don't really care either way on that one the biggest thing is I don't wanna miss anything, I wanna make sure we capture every moment and don't let me forget I need to talk to you about the engagement photo session costs. Okay so that, hopefully we saw them all now I wanna play it, I'm gonna, oh yeah go ahead. I have a question, I sense some sarcasm, which one would that fall under? Sarcasm, so where did you pick that up, on the face or the voice? I think the voice, when she was talking about the closest family members, the way she said that. Right, and that paired with the fake happiness, totally. So you picked up on either visually or audio, you picked up on there was something there, and that's what you would maybe wanna pursue, so we're gonna, I won't get ahead of myself. We're gonna talk about what you would do, okay she just said that to you, then what do you do? In business what do you say to parse out some of those things to make sure that you're providing this client with the best possible work. Okay so let's watch it, this time I'm gonna slow it down I'm gonna show you the expressions that are shown and then I'm gonna show you the picture of the micro expression right next to the video. So I'm so excited for our wedding photos I just want them to be realistic and just show the love that Scott and I have for each other. I wanna make sure that we have photos outside and inside include all of that, definitely wanna make sure I have photos with every important guest, especially our closest family members, I'm not sure about black and white, they're okay but don't really care either way on that one. The biggest thing is I don't wanna miss anything I wanna make sure we capture every moment, and don't let me forget, I need to talk to you about the engagement photo session costs. Okay so here she goes, look at that, those cheeks, right you can see that happiness she's so happy to get married to this man right? Reaches right into her cheeks, she even tilts her head back that's how much the happiness is there. Then she's talking and then she, look how different that smile looks, right, it doesn't reach her eyes at all that's that forced happiness, gotta feel happy about this. Black and white photos, see that one sided mouth raise, you can actually talk through contempt which is pretty amazing, contempt about that even though she says she's neutral, what, that's the one that most people miss, the fear about missing thing, now you said oh she narrowed her eyes you actually got the secondary emotion she would be angry if we missed anything, and then disgust about this photo sessions costs. So you guys got every single one of the hot spot areas, which is amazing just from the phone. Were those clear did we see those? Yeah okay so let's talk about what to do. So now go back to micro expression chart and let's go through each of the micro expressions and talk about what do we do when we see them. What would we have done for this client, to pursue information to make her feel calm to show her that we're dependable what would we do. Alright? So happiness. You saw that genuine happiness. What is the proper response for the happiness micro expression? What? Be happy is all. Be happy, right. Actually the reason why I included this one first is because most people miss this especially in business. This is the prime bonding opportunity. You see genuine happiness you want to celebrate together. That is the goal of happiness. A lot of the times, I talk to a lot of website developers graphic designers, they'll deliver a project and the client's thrilled, right, they're like, oh my God I love I'm so happy. And they go oh I'm so happy with you, I'm so glad you're happy with the work, trying to like play it cool with the demeanor, I'm like you're actually missing a bonding opportunity there you should be celebrating with them as a team. That reinforces that you did it together. So that next time they remember that celebratory feeling and they come back and do it again. So when people are talking about selling courses and they're doing well, you can actually have a great opportunity by calling them when they do have sales right and say we're gonna celebrate together we're so happy for you, right? So celebrating together, that's exactly the kind of thing you wanna do and also it builds camaraderie. Now, the forced happiness, so what would you have done with that client? The wedding client when she talked about her family what are some things that you would have done would you have ignored it, would you try to address it? Hard. Address, how would you address it? I sense that you have some concerns about this, something along those lines. Okay, I sense you have concerns of that, any other ideas, about how you might do it? Maybe dial back and be like, yeah you know I know family is really though, like is there any one that I should, not like watch out for but something a little bit maybe more political. I would also, as it was about her wedding, probably ask her can have a list or the wedding planner or someone who would help me to bring all those people who need to be on those photos. Exactly so forced happiness you want to dig deeper and you can do this very politically you can say, you know, with family, are there any things that I should be aware of, is there anything you'd like to tell me that would make it easier for you? Is there a way I can support you with that? Right, and those are very like, general questions, sometimes if you say I sensed that, with fake happiness people get really defensive 'cause they're embarrassed. If they were gonna tell you they didn't like their family they wouldn't, she wouldn't have faked happiness, right? She, there was obviously someone or something there that she wanted to make sure that she addressed. So a way to say this is how can I help you on it, is there anything, I love the idea of asking for a list or asking for ways you can watch out for it and it's the same thing you can do with clients is go into explain this to me, or tell me, is there anything that I should know? Is there anything I should know is the best question when you're dealing with micro expressions. Because typically people actually want to share what they're feeling, both negative and positive. And so if you show them, I'm listening, I'm open, I wanna hear, and you give them that permission, you know, permission marketing, you give them permission to tell you, they will, often that's all they need and then it's like bluh, I call it verbal vomit sometimes they just need that one question that says, I'm here, I'm on your side, and then they're, they want to tell you exactly what's going on. Yeah? And I think that it goes back to what you were saying earlier, when I was training and learning about how to coach people one big thing that was emphasized is don't create a challenge for someone when there's not one there. So that, is there anything I, you should, you know, that I should know, let's say I'm filling the story that we wanna fill in for them, right? Okay perfect, so we were talking about earlier filling in that story, that should know, can help you auto correct right, so some of those, our brain does that to help us, to help us build a narrative we have what I call self narratives, they are narratives that we share about ourselves, like for example there are people who see themselves as victims, they have a self narrative of victim hood, that is how they view themselves and anything they do they try to fit into that self narrative. We also develop narratives about other people. So with clients we might build a whole narrative around oh her family's being, you know, irritating, she's really in love but she just wants, you know, the wedding to be really smooth, we could build a whole narrative about it, and so asking that question you're absolutely right it's like authenticating to make sure that your narrative matches with their self narrative right, it's a way to match that up yes? 'cause this is something I think we hear a lot of. Fake it till you make it. So can you, you know, smiling when you're not truly happy, et cetera, should you ever try to do that, try to cover up your real emotion? Yes. Fake it till you make it, so, this is, my answer is longer okay I hope that's okay, but it's really important. Happiness, genuine happiness, if you're actually using those muscles, can make you feel happy, which is great and that's why when people, the pencil in their mouth they rated the cartoons, they rated them as funnier. So you can fake it till you make it, the problem is, we're very bad at actually making those muscles engage and so we think we're smiling genuinely but what comes off what it comes off as is in authenticity. So be very careful with fake it till you make it, especially with micro expressions. I don't encourage that with micro expressions, with body language, in fact the body language that we're gonna talk about in the next segment, that is somewhere where you can fake it until you make it power body language is great for faking it till you make it because it actually begins to change your emotions. So facial expressions I'm gonna say no but body language I'm gonna say yes and I promise I'll be clearer on that a little bit later so contempt. So you saw that contempt that she showed during the black and white photos, which was interesting because it was incongruent, right that's an example of how we catch a lie in action. I have no problem with black and white, right and she throws that out, really she doesn't like it very much. So as a photographer as anyone, what do you do when you see contempt, what do we like to do, in this case what would you have done We can do everything in color. Right, right we can do everything in color. So this one's easy it's like, oh, she really doesn't like black and white, there's no option no black and white. Now here's what you do if you see contempt in a bit less easier information, or conversations. First pursuing more information. As we talked about earlier, you have to get to the real source of the contempt. Is it you, is the issue you're talking about as another person, so I always go into information mode. When I see contempt, tell me more about that. Why do you feel that way, how do you feel about that, how do you feel that way. Those kinds of questions just get them talking more so you can identify the correct source. Reviewing shared interests, so let's say, that you think the contempt is you. Or your work, right, that happens. What you wanna do when that happens, you got into information made and you found whoops, I think the content is about the work that I did. This is where you wanna do into shared interests. Sometimes in business people forget that we're not on opposing sides. So to go into, you know, if you don't like this work, I want you to be happy, I'm happy when you're happy. When you can remind them of that, they switch their mentality as you as opposite and go, oh right, it helps me to share what I'm actually feeling. So that's how you can bring contempt back into respect. Is by showing respect for them, and saying, I'm on the same side as you so that's one way that you can do it. And then again, also rapport building behavior. So especially if you're in networking events you usually don't see contempt come out that quickly in networking events but let's say that you did, rapport building behavior, going into mutually shared interests that's the best way that you can go back into we're on the same page, we really like each other I wanna have a good relationship with you. Alright so let's talk about fear. So she flashed that fear, right at the end, when she was talking about I just don't wanna miss anything. That is like a golden gift that you get as a photographer or as someone working with clients because when you see their fear, you can actually address it you can be the reassuring, I heard reassuring earlier, you can be the calming voice of, I'm gonna help you with that. So how would you have dealt with this client, with that fear, what would you maybe have said. What are the important parts of the wedding, what parts of the wedding are important for you that we will not miss. Yeah, exactly. Any other ideas of what you could've said to calm her down? Or just you know to remind her that there's a lot of memory cards, you know, that button can keep on going, you know, that a lot of options will be there for you, you'll have a lot to choose from. Perfect. Things like that. One thing I sometimes do is social proof. So other clients I've worked with have also brought these up, and this is what we've done to address that, something along those line. I love it I need to add that to the slide, because that's really good, social proof is a great one. You're not the only one. So that does fall under reassurance. Other people have this, you're not alone. Absolutely this is something you would be afraid of. Or if you just see the fear you can go into, as you were saying, why don't you walk me through what you think are the most important highlights that you can't wait to see, let's make a list of them, 'cause that would make you feel better and that would make me feel better. That's like, you're speaking to a client's inner needs right, that's how you get referrals, that's how you get big tips, when you're really like, I'm not just taking a list here and having you figure it out, when you see wow, and this happens in business all the time. Negotiations, you see a little bit of fear, you can say, you know, let's take a minute, let's talk about this, tell me exactly what's going on for you around this issue so reassurance, explanation and calming, fear is a, I know it's not a great emotion but it's a great emotion for being able to bond with your client. And to be able to show them that you are there for them and that's exactly what we want when we're in a business relationship we want a relationship alright disgust, so you saw that little flash of disgust at the end of the, when she was talking about the engagement photo shoot what do you do in this situation when she brings that up, what would you have done? Ideas? So it's hard I know. Here's what I would have done. So if you see someone that shows disgust, and this is when you, before you even further ask questions you go and you give them more information. So you go into explanation mode, right so, if I was her photographer and she was to say, oh remind me to talk to you about the engagement shoot. Before I even said oh tell me about the engagement shoot and wait for the bomb to drop, what you say is, oh, let me talk about the engagement shoot a little bit, so, completely optional, I just want it if you want it. Here's how it works, here's how we're gonna do it, and here's what goes into that pricing, A, B and C. We see a lot of disgust around pricing and you can hedge that off with explanations. So that is what you wanna do with disgust. Identify the problem, number one. Identify and explain the problem, before they even go into it, you're saving your client having to bring up a sticky issue. People hate confrontation, there's very few people in the population who like confrontation. So when you bring up the problem for them. And then go into explanation mode, they are relieved. They're like oh, that's what, okay. Now I understand about the engagement shoot. And you also give them permission to say no. This happens in business all the time when you're working with clients and you see that disgust you can say, hey we don't have to do that. And it gives them permission to be like, oh, okay, you know actually see that breath of (exhaling). Which is great 'cause it shows, you can say to them, it's non verbally saying to them, you can trust me, right, I want the same thing you want, and then, identify possible solutions and if you can't find a solution right, so you go through all the solutions you can think of and they still don't want the engagement shoot or they still don't want the thing that they were disgusted about sometimes you just have to avoid the issue, right, that's the agree to disagree, and this does happen in negotiation in business where you do everything you can, you understand the issue, you're both on different sides and that's when you say okay we're gonna agree to disagree. That's where that comes in when you get that locked at the end. Alright anger. So we didn't see a ton of anger in that video but what should we do if you see a client in anger, when does that happen to you? Has a client come to you and been angry about something when does that usually come up for you, in your business, I know it's kind of a weird thing to think about but, any ideas? Pricing. Pricing yeah that's a really big one. Any other issues that are maybe, 'cause I always do pricing examples, I was trying to give a different one. Other time that people are angry? Timelines, any time something is going like, behind schedule. Yes okay timelines is a huge one. So here's what you do if you see anger about timelines. First, you want to avoid going on the offensive or defensive when someone is angry at us, our emotional response is to flip either way. We either get really defensive about why they're angry or we get offensive and we start attacking them, well you didn't send me the materials. You didn't tell me you needed it by then. So as a professional, it makes people get out of anger when you can say in that neutral, and go into finding the source. You're going into exploratory mode. Okay the timeline is off, it's different from what you think, tell me what you were expecting, what's riding on that, how about the first set of deliverables, was that okay? You go into figure out where do you agree and what were some of the problem sources, in that neutral area, 'cause that will immediately dispel their anger. People will go, they don't wanna be angry, most people. As soon as they hear that you're not gonna tell them that they're wrong or accuse them of something, they will typically drop out of anger and then get into solution mode with you. Which is exactly what you want once they're in anger mode with you. Highlighting cooperation. So again reminding them that you're on the same side. That's a really big one. We're on the same team, we all want the same thing. That's where you wanna do this, that also gets them out of anger mode. We want what you want. That is one of my favorite things to use with clients 'cause that is true. You want them happy, that makes you happy. That's a really easy way that you can get them out of that anger mode when they go oh right, we're on the same side. Surprise, so what do you do with surprise what can you do with surprise, this is kind of a weird one but if you see a client surprised about your deliverables or your timeline, what you think is the obvious step or the next step to do? Actually can I just ask-- Sure. Difference between surprise and shock? Is surprise kind of that was something nice, oh wow, and shock is kind of wow the same thing but I really didn't like that. There was actually a question in chat where they were asking sometimes when you see surprise it's a blank face instead of the raised eyebrow and they wanted to know if that was the same or different. Okay so surprise and shock, shock is just extreme surprise so surprise is not necessarily more positive or more negative, shock is just extreme surprise it typically lasts a lot longer it looks the same it just lasts a little bit longer. Typically also is brought on with a physiological response as well so not only do you have the surprised facial expressions your heart rate begins to increase, you start to sweat so that's going into shock. It actually goes into your body. The other thing you said about the neutral face. People when they have that kind of neutral blank look I sometimes call it deer in the headlights, 'cause they freeze, their brain is just trying to process so when I see that look I just give them space to process. Either I'm quiet or I give filler or I ask them if they want water, or I say let's take a break right? So when you see that neutral face it's a version of surprise, but it's really their brain trying to process what you're saying or what they're seeing. So here's what you can do with surprise, very easy go into explanation, so let's say that she had shown surprise when she looks at your rates you immediately go into explanation mode. You could also review goals here, so, remind them of the end. Not just about the process it's also the end. That can also get them into, oh okay, I'm not so surprised anymore, now I see where this falls in the timeline of what we're doing together. So those are two things you can do with surprise. Surprise is not a harmful emotion so it's not necessarily a bad thing that's why there is not much you need to do when you see it. Yes? About the surprise, as it was mentioned that there are different kinds of surprise, what would be my reaction if my client, or what should be my reaction when my client is surprised let's say with the gift that I'm giving to the client. Like for example with that girl. The engagement session is included in the package anyways or it's my gift if she books a session, and she would be surprised, especially in that particular case, so what would be my response to that? So that's a really good question. So pleasant surprise is fabulous and it is a bonding opportunity to be like it's my pleasure to do that for you, right, and that's when you can say like, it's an opportunity for you to remind them of your mutually shared goals. So instead of acting it cool, if someone's surprised, pleasantly surprised, I'll usually say oh it's my pleasure I do it so I can see the people's face when I tell them it's included. That's a way to sort of say, that is why i do it, I want to make you pleasantly surprised and a lot of people in copywriting you'll see that they'll say I know it's shocking that I'm doing this, you must be surprised that I'm giving you all this free content, that's the way that they're doing it is they're trying to capitalize on yes this is why I do it and I know it's generous. So I think it's a camaraderie opportunity. Someone else have a question, yeah? I had a comment actually, that was, during a good surprise you know, especially if it's like birthday, everyone yells surprise and then they do the surprise and then they sing happy birthday, and then it's actually the explanation for the surprise, right? This is why you're surprised. And then celebratory together it's like celebrate and then explanation it's perfect, that's the perfect example of surprise I should use that from now on of what you do, it's like surprise, happy birthday, we can do that, is it anyone's birthday soon we can practice it in action. Surprise birthday they gave me tickets for Masterdom which I was not in the least bit interested so I had to fake a great. That fake smile. Yeah so surprise isn't always what you're looking for. So gift giving for me after I've learned the micro expressions has become a very interesting process because you can tell right away if someone actually likes your gift or not, because you can see oh thank you so much it's so great you're like oh man, I didn't get them a good gift, right. So micro expressions bring all kinds of light into your environment with gifts, reality television shows, dating, oh my goodness, we're not even talking about dating, but micro expressions play a huge role there, all different kinds of surprises. So, sadness, what do you do with sadness and the best thing you wanna do, this is a bonding opportunity as we talked about earlier. Your best thing to do is an offer of help, right? How can I help you with this. Or just the general question of, my biggest priority is to make sure that you're having a good project, time, day, schedule. What can I do to make it easier for you? Those kind of questions for clients it's like they can take a breath of fresh air, I end almost every session that I have whether it's with a client or speaking engagement is I say how else can I help you with this, and is there anything else I need to know? That's how I end almost every session because it ends on explanation, reassurance, and it's amazing you think you've covered everything I've never once had someone say, oh no we're good, never. It's never happened, they always have something else to share with you. So sadness if you see that offer of help and just genuine empathy, right? Let your face mirror their sadness, that's okay, alright that is an okay time to be like, I feel your pain, I am so sorry you're going through this or that must be so hard. Saying that to someone it's like, they understand me they hear me. For women especially when we hear that we feel like we can, someone else has shared our burden with us, and so we actually makes our feeling lessen in a good way if it's around sadness and anger, also the other thing you can do with sadness if you have someone who doesn't, they're very protective, sometimes space is the best option right if you have a client or a colleague, you see sadness in their face and they're like, I don't wanna talk to you you get that feeling of like, I'm sad and I don't want help with it, space is the best gift you can give them. Because that is how they process, which is totally fine. Alright. So I just talked about how these micro expressions are completely life changing and they are. One of my students told me that after he learned micro expressions it was like interacting in high definition like he was finally seeing people for the first time. And it is a brain thing so by day three, you will feel that you are recognizing these emotions on everyone's face all the time, which helps you understand the people around you in a much deeper way.