Lessons

Lesson Info

Making Action Items With Deadlines

So the road map this thing in that we've been talking about for a little while this list of stuff and so one of the things that is so freeing about all of this is that as we now and as we've talked about a lot of times it depends and as soon as my slight goes we can talk about it really depends, and so one of the great things you get to do is you get to think about your priorities, you get to think about your values, you get to think about where you are in your life and your family and your scenarios and then make your choices based on that and of course get the type of advice from friends and family, you know, loving conversations with those you care about seeking out expert advice from people with expertise in areas that could be helpful to you. And then when it all comes down to it, it's what you choose, you know, it's, the things you choose to buy do and the lovers that you want tow pull in your life, so I'm excited for all of that, um so I just wanted to recognize that when we sta...

rted and we pulled out the first thing, there were three really basic questions that we asked, and one was one of the top three things that even worrying about, um what are the top three things that have been on your list for a while? And then we started talking generally about, um, how we're going to get them done and in a minute I think we're all gonna have our mind slightly blown when we see how much we've actually done, but I'm curious if there are things that you wrote down on those top three things that you're worrying about list um, that you would want to share or if those were the things that you have spent time on or action items about throughout the last couple of days I always want tio you know that you know what we have we've hit all of mine I mean, I the action item actually calling and getting the disability insurance I haven't done yet I've been here um but we covered it and the top one wass um does my wife have the tools toe take care of my my stuff? And now I've got it kind of lined out throughout the book as to where she can go on what she can do and so it's been incredibly helpful, but the third one was, um who and how well my work be taken care of, you know how well that legacy I mean it's it's a child unto itself and some of what we've covered today or covered yesterday and today it's been a huge help to kind of figure out how to put those pieces levels thank you yeah thank you for sharing because the goal is the things that we're worried about that we can change that we can actually get those off the list of things that we spend the time worrying about that's great great so I won't ask you later about some action items that we're going to take care of that okay? I don't write anybody else have stuff on their list well so one of the big things that we just talked about in the last section was my dad and how to work with him and that last section especially really helped me feel more confident in being able to approach it and not have everybody either break down in tears your end up fighting or whatever the case might be so I don't need to think about that and digest a little bit more but still I'm feeling like I have more tools and I did before I started which is the really important thing and then thea other thing as you know I had my old documents and I'm very happy that this actually made me pull them out and look at them and realize where I need to update them and finish them and the additional information that I need to add to them and I feel like you know that's actually it's going to be so easy to motion that those on through so those air my documents might will my powers of attorney and all that stuff and I think you know, I'm already between what we've updated during this class of what I had before I'm ninety five percent there so that five percent is going to come pretty easy yeah also thank you for that awesome so the thing one of the things you were worried about was taking care of a family member of the best way that you could yeah yeah yeah and through through the different things that we've talked about have you do you found like you've had some things that have hit on that specifically yeah, you know I mean I I'm not fooling myself into thinking it's going to be easy I don't think that's actually the right word to describe it um but I'm calmer about it if that makes sense I guess yeah, maybe and I think that's a big thing right there for me if I'm calm about something it's easy for me like you were saying to do your dajun you know, burn whatever you're doing tio miss the situation or make the situation as good as it can be with what you have yeah and it's only I think when we get like, really frustrated or feel like we're out of control that um things actually get worse because you're reacting as opposed to parenting right so interesting what's interesting too, because there are a lot of things that we can worry about that we can't change it all and from what the both of you said the things that we're worrying you were things that you that that you have taken some steps to get off the plate of things to worry about just great so of course none of you know, parents aging relationships like all of all of the minefields air still mind perhaps with our emotions and our feelings and and hard times and struggle are hard and we struggle and I think having the ability to take the extra weight off of the struggle that doesn't need to be there gives you more room to just manage the situation rather than managing the details and tryingto manage the situation is well, yeah, yeah that's great. Did you have anything on your worry list that you would want to share that because I was worried that my parents didn't have this filled out, I don't think they do actually and they're busy they work, so I was thinking a way for that to be handled in taking care of us. For me to kind of be the one that goes up to him, walks him through us and say, you know, learn all this I can help him get it all together and kind of as a gift to them also so you're not just the flag bearer for the thirty year olds here, the family like they're surprised not your normal role, not my normal well, that's interesting because a lot of us talk about what we need to d'oh and then also being the sandwich generation in the way where we have kids to take care of sometimes and aging parents and or our parents are the point where we're a little older and they're a little older perhaps and we're actively managing their care and it's it's a lot to have, you know, two or three things on the plate that you're juggling all at the same time and trying to work and trying to do stuff and trying to, you know, like maybe have a life too a lot enjoy enjoy life, enjoy, you know, fun watching movie every now and then go go to the gym, whatever your whatever you need to d'oh it's a lot to dio yeah, yeah that's great that's great. Well, I wanted tio quickly say, so we started with the company a couple things that we're worried about and I wanted to just go over in some particular order exactly what it is that we're going to finish up today or the things that we have done already, so you have your action list of things that you want to complete a lot of them are based on the list of things that you started from the earlier piece your checklist you have kind of a conversation list we talked about having the conversation, you had a a couple things of who you wanted to talk to and why and what you wanted to accomplish in some some ideas about some skills and tools that you can use to do that what you may or may not want to do and accomplish over the holidays a nice little toast or a follow up after or, you know, gratitude cards or whatever it is that you want to dio um, we're going to talk about goals to get it done specifically at the end of the year and after and then the calendar, but you also have your will and faux drafted you have your living will info drafted, you've got your detail, information drafted and some tools to follow up and get that done and also you have insurance and money worksheets already set up toe have cem a little more granular conversations and kind of pull pull and push on where you need to dio so you really do I just want you guys to have a moment of of celebratory nous for everything that you've done that you have, you have a lot done already, I think yesterday were already in the ninety fifth percentile americans doing planning now you're like one hundred seventeen thank you all for that for that and I'm glad that you can finally take things off your worry list if nothing else um so I wanted to talk really just go back to the very, very beginning I started off yesterday morning just talking a little bit about, uh, my story and how all this happened and I think the main point if there's much uh that you know, if there's anything, I wanted to boil it down to one thing the whole reason why I started this get your shit together project and the whole reason, you know, one of the reasons why I think other people had wanted to take a look at it too is because it's it's really a list of the things that I wish I would have done and it's not a list of the things that I did wrong and how I'm hating myself for it. But it's a list of things that I really would realized would make would have made a bad situation dramatically better in the moment um, I would have had an opportunity to spend dozens and dozens and dozens of fewer hours dealing with paperwork had it already been organized, and then the choices that I made her didn't make beforehand have really impacted now what some of my options and choices are after so it's not just oh, crap, I have to do this a crapper have to do this. And now, it's a hard conversation I have tohave if we open that up a little bit, we can appreciate that. You know, to our comment earlier about the arc of time it's taking worry off our plate right now, that doesn't have to be there it's making things easier for ourselves in an opportunity that at some point mayor may not find us and that it's giving you lots and lots and lots of options later, when, right now you have fewer and so it's not it's, not this terrible thing you have to do it's really like awesome eyes in your life in a way that you can't imagine, which is a technical word, right noted that yeah, and and that it really is what I wish I would have done, not because I think it's really fun to be in regret see mode, but it's things that would have made a hard time so much easier. So it's nice to take lessons from other people, these air lessons that I don't want you to have to learn for yourself every now and then we have to learn some lessons ourselves sometimes have to learn them over and over and over again, but there are some things that we can we don't have to, so I really wanted to just go back to the original intention of the project, which is what I wish I would have done and then hindsight you know it's convenient but the couple of really specific things about that is on the legal front the the level of optional suffering as I've come to call it was so much greater than you could have imagined it was so much greater than it needed to be and I want to point out that in my particular case I happen to be very, very lucky I lived in a state where I was able to legally marry there weren't any complications about custody or exes or finances like everything automatically went to me in this way that what made made everything not complicated in that front but the level of complexity that can be caused in a legal situation can be, um just really, really destructive and it's not necessarily about you it's about your kids and custody of your kids and who is able to be, you know, let into the room to be with you and so the the additional optional suffering that can be added on by not spending just a couple of hours taking care of it now we don't really realize because we don't spend a lot of time thinking about it but it's it's enough it's a good kick in the pants to make sure that that doesn't have to happen and you know like I said a little teeny bit of effort now had I done it before turned into a tun tun tun tun tun a mountain later so on the legal front that's the easy part it's really easier than we got in your bathroom we're trying to figure out why your microwave doesn't work so I'm really glad you guys have your legal stuff drafted and you really are ninety five percent of the way there and all you have to do is get it finished up and then sign the documents notarize it get him witnessed and put them where somewhere right safe and a couple of people the financial stuff we've all talked about how you know money is about feeling and that it's much much easier than we really think except for it's really are feeling so just a couple of things that sandy talked about earlier today it's really about spent you know making sure you're spending lines up with your values and that starting somewhere is important you know it does feel you know like the elephant in the room thing if there's a giant elephant in the room it's hard to push it out but we're just going to take care of it bit by bit and bite my boy right and that not doing anything is still a choice so there's an active and passive decision making right so we delay making a choice because we're afraid of making a bad one, but it doesn't mean not making a choice. It doesn't mean that you're still not making your passively making a choice to not do anything, so we don't have to do that instead of making a choice, you continuing to make a choice, you don't want to make let's just make the one that we want to d'oh so much better that way, and then on the emotional front, um, sometimes when accidents happen or sometimes when accidents don't happen, we spend a lot of time worrying about those things that night that maybe we can change and there's also things that can feel worse sometimes in the most yucky critical moment things that to you at that moment can feel even worse than death. And that was one of the things that I witnessed was when you get to the place where there is it's, regret and remorse, and you can't do anything about it later, that when, um I should hit the fan to use your phrase earlier. Um, I normally don't say shit, but you know what you did? I'm going tio, um, that that I be the fact that I was current and our relationship was clean and clear. Then I didn't have things that I was regretting means everything to me now that it's much easier for me to look back on that time I had with my late husband and or the time that we've had with anybody in our lives and remember it fondly and remember that person and that experience in a good positive way and keep them with us in a good, positive way rather than a feeling like kind of a cloud of our own we we put on top of it, so having the conversation about something is much easier than you imagine and then once you do it's so you feel better about it? So if there's any lingering things, you know, like that neighbors rape, that you need to return and you can't look at him in the face anymore like the longer you let things go and then you start to feel awkward and then you feel awkward that you feel awkward and then it gets weird and then pretty soon you're not even saying hi to your neighbor anymore, and then you decide you don't really like him anyway, you know? And then he moves and you're like, how man I still of his rake, you know, so just give us the right back and get it get over it, right like just taking care of it give him the rake and in a lot of situations it's makes everything so much better just be current and be clean um there's something that I wrote in the website called leaving traces its one little teeny page in the back and it's you know you might remember when I talked about the sox earlier like we have all of this digital stuff we have all of these like remnants of things but when you're talking about legacy and leading traces what is it that you want to leave behind and so often we think about a memorial and all of these things we think about what we're leaving behind way way after your gone but what are the things that you're thinking about actively or doing now in your life? What are the things that you might want to leave behind or what are the things that you might want tio move towards creating or having so you khun then leave them behind later when you're raising your kid you know what the values that you want to leave behind what are the you know make little pottery things so there's there's certain intentional things we can do in a very small way and one of the ways that I did that is I have a what I call up papa box and in the papa box is some of the things that he has they had touched and had and picture and a wallet and keys and so when people leave us they were frozen in time in the past but those left behind want to be able to access that person in these ways and children especially I want to be able tio they have a right to know where they come from and where their people are and who their parents are even if they can't be with us. So having the papa box is something that they can go touch and see and smell tangibly so if you were to not let somebody else after you curate a box, what would you start putting in your box now you know a little stuffy from when you were a kid or you know, whatever that may or may not be it's interesting to start thinking now of what's in your box what's in your book but then actually what's what's actually in your box so I'm gonna plant that seed to let it simmer and it would be great to know if there's anything specifically that you would want to put in there and that I would ask you to start maybe start thinking about getting one now which is kind of fun um the other thing too a scan for the positive we'd like to talk about positive thinking and being happy but even in the darkest times, if you can remember that there's good things out there and that there's gratitude and scanning for the positive things you know, even though you're having a hard conversation in the hospital room about important decisions you can still crack a joke and that may or may not be you know something to help you get through that moment and get on to the next one right? So talked about a lot of things and one of the things sandy talks about a lot with money is that it's really overwhelming so you want to be able to look at the big picture but you don't want to get overwhelmed by it so I wanted to ask you guys now and everybody that I think we should commit to doing one specifically absolutely by a certain date and I'm you can do that however you want but if this is hopeful one legal thing one financial thing and one emotional thing and that could be a conversation that could be a paperwork that could be a budget that could be any of these things but taking it from the big list you have to do this is where your this is our starting point this is our this is our baby step you got it you got it all right all right, so I want you guys to take a minute and think about that and write it down so you know, while they're danu minute and reading their their notes down I will say that I'm thinking about that myself yeah because I know that it's, just we were talking about this earlier that it's, just taking that first step, but potentially be the most difficult. And, you know, um, I'm a procrastinator, so I'm getting ready. I'm going, t o, I promise you, I'm taking that that first step, but I wanted to read a couple of things that people been talking about camera girl wrote, I love you, chanel. You are awesome, very insightful and thoughtful, human being, thank you so much for sharing your energy. So we're getting. We're getting just tons of this and in the chat room. So I just wanted to give you a little little heads up to know that that that's, how people are feeling out here and how they were affected by what you've been working on these last couple things, thank you.