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Voicing Out Our Needs

So what I'm hearing coming out of this are a variety of needs and I wanted to talk for a moment about voicing those needs because a lot of times our needs involved someone else playing with us and I came across in my coaching training something called nonviolent communication that comes from marshall rosenberg marshall rosenberg thank you and I included a little bit of the information from it you can go online and read he's got books he's got online information etcetera but I gave you from there um his feelings chart and his needs charts and they are on pages forty three and forty seven so one of the things that's happened in human to human communication is we've gotten lazy with our language and we've even gotten lazy with our internal language we use the word unhappy a lot but unhappy has all different kinds of nuances to it. So look through this chart for just a minute and look at some of the different needs and feelings that are on here and it becomes easier to give a word toe what...

it is you want as you communicate with somebody else. Now what I love about nonviolent communication is that you always start with something that's very neutral, which is data so say say I need something from a significant other I need them to listen to something I'll pick an example we've heard I need them to listen to something start with data, because data does not flare up emotions. There may be some defensiveness if it's, an emotionally charged subject, but data is data and examine a quick example of this is, um, who was a teenager who was asked to take out the trash and you know, the minute your mother started with e take you started into the hat she's always ragging on me, and I love a love a block, but to start that conversation with as a parent, I would say the trash hasn't been taken out for three days. I feel like you're not doing your responsibility for this family, and that makes me feel ignored. We're not respected, and I need you to take out the trash is part of this family, what I just did, there was state data, this this fictitious male teenager that I own and don't own thiss can argue that the trash hasn't gone out for three days, no platform to stand on their trash is sitting there so you don't start with you never take out the trash because that's, what we tend to start with, we went with, first of all, we hold sane or needs until we've escalated our own emotions to an unsafe place, and then we do the blurt you never take out the trash on, then you if your typical you add on like ten other things to that at that moment and your rooms and mess and I can't believe you know ya ya ya yah that's not effective communication so I love that they're actually teaching this in some of the schools but it's a great thing to know between partners it's a great thing to know with kids it's a great thing to know in work situations with difficult clients just state the data before me I have this data it has been two weeks since we've really spent more than five minutes talking to each other that statement and it just is when this happens I feel alone in this relationship I actually feel lonely even though we're together and I need some connection with you that's a conversation is going to meet your needs probably much faster then I can't believe you haven't paid me any attention to hear the difference and those so what I'd love to do is for each of you to and somebody could write one in to um state of need from data feelings need and request and do it with this really deep compassion any questions on it before you know I'm just I'm personally I was trying to come up with okay what if you uh you need help with the cleaning I'll give you one you need help with the cleaning how could you say that so just some background like I well yeah ok uh now just go with the question oh well no so like esso as like I'm the person that staying at home so I I do actually want to be the one that's doing the cleaning it's just that I put it off so I get to that tomorrow yeah so I need teo asked for help with accountability okay so that's a good one so it's been for the past five days when I've gone out tio do a chore I haven't um and I need so I need you to help me hold I need you to help hold me accountable can you check in with me at the end of each day um include that here's the data put your feelings I feel this when it happens so I haven't done my chores for the last five days and I feel ashamed and then I'm letting you down okay good um I need your support so would would you check in with me at the end of the day if I've done the sure and if I haven't inquire why right and ultimately this is your responsibility so you have the accountability for this particular and I like the way you phrase that you took data feelings needs and a request simon what if you did this with pseudo difficult client okay um so let's say that the data that data is you have here asio results more detail um uh I feel when you uh that you don't appreciate the work that has been done uh eh it's him uh uh it's important it's hard isn't it? Yeah that's why I'm asking you guys to practice uh it's certainly hard when I put you on the spot work that's good it's good I need before for us tow you know, for this to be a success we need thio collaborate and you know I need you teo review this report I need your respect dangerous yeah, I need to respect I need you to listen to my side as well. Do you see how this kind of conversation causes less stress for you too? I mean e towe have a structure to what you're going to do and tohave the clarity if you've got to be courageous about voicing something to have structure to it makes it a good bit easier. Julia do you have when you want to practice? Um yes um so I recently told my dad about my career change I'm about to study to become an expressive arts therapist so cool um I think so but so you just missed my career changes he p which made me feel inadequate I need you to trust my decision and I'd appreciate if you like read more about it so you because it was just right off like he didn't run so well that gives me chills thanks you feel power yeah I'm definitely gonna have that conversation him yeah, so that's you know it's very stressful to feel that your parent doesn't approve of what you're doing usually stressful when I embarked on this being in business for myself I know my mother kept thinking and she's probably listening when is she going to get a real job? Um and you know I care what she thinks I really do I really do and I want me to feel safe and hurt if you're safe and all of that but so having the ability to create conversation makes you stronger it makes you stronger to be able to recognize your needs call him out and then an ability toe ask forthem thought I hoped that's helpful and putting that together with what kinds of comments are um sky to same when you express anger triggers fear in them s so they're saying, you know, can you verbalize what makes him angry so that way I can listen, receive it and be able and willing to cooperate nice too um here I think might be replying to erica but I'm not sure but it might be replied to something I've been saying ask asking your husband to check in with you is a great idea now they say they asked their husband to help encourage them with the topics that they're working on two on by asking him to ask you why didn't you get the cleaning done forces him into a parent role that could cause other problems later interesting one well and I think for my husband and I it I just see it as feedback I don't take it as, um any sort of like, belittling or nagging or anything like as long as you're owning what you need to do yeah, but but there is a risky yeah I'm making new that and just know your boundaries I know what you're doing with it and discuss it and that that's all good, so we've gone through so many parts of stress management there's another part um two other thoughts I want to touch on one is there's a lot of talk and stretched management about positivity and a positive mindset and the new positive psychology which tie into what we were just doing our nominal but I want toe add something to that because I come across this a fair amount when you decide that your stress management is going to be being positive polly that choosing a positive mindset is very different than the state of denial where you're glossing over everything positivity has to be pulling up real positive emotions the way we've done with that heart math thing the way we have taking a positive emotion and let it fill us based on something we truly appreciate well, what truly makes a smile on the inside that's real positivity positivity that you add to the world reduces stress when you meet somebody else and you make a truly positive statement, maybe they just did some work for you. You know how much more empowering and positive is to say, you know, I love the way you put this workbook together and truly d'oh that was very helpful for me that's the kind of positivity that really reduces stress for everyone involved it's looking for what you appreciate and as we heard appreciation and anger and frustration have too, you know, takes eyes and brain let appreciation win it's it's finding the positive but pretending to be miss positivity or mr positivity when you're not feeling it at all this stress adding now occasionally and occasionally you have to fake it till you make it and you can even do silly things you khun, do you know that if you look up at the ceiling and put a group big grin on your face it actually doing now just look up the simple big grin on your face? It actually reduces your negative emotions so you could do a little faking it to make it, but I want to make sure that everybody talks about mindfulness and positivity that you understand this is about creating riel positivity, a really good feeling based on what you value is true positivity and spreading that spreads less stress in the world which brings me to the next part that I want to talk about a little bit I'll bet each and every one of us knows something we do that adds to the stress see that adds to the stress crisis can you think of something you do that tends to stress other people when we're in our best self or anything any self so like when I used to do that is causing stress so I flipped it now from reducing your stress too what can you do to cause less stress? Oh so I'll get impatient or um what does that do for the other person let's just pretend it's your husband yeah, right, way uh, how does that stress him? He won't understand maybe understand what I'm getting impatient about and so there's a confusion in that and not understanding. So then he gets on edge if I am impatient, right? Right, what do you all do that may stress somebody else? I promise. I'll reveal uh I'm over late late. Yeah, you would stress the heck out of me with that and what is that about? Isn't it funny that you know I that we have shared but not shared unfortunately expectations about what timing means and that is a typical one that for so many people causes stress because we're not meeting on what we mean by timing a group of people say we're going to get together at this hour at the restaurant and everybody knows the persons whose late that means you can't be seated at the table and that occurs and that same stress occurs over and over again so we've got to really look at where we cause stress because when we cause less we feel less I could be uh I can pretty a little bit o c d I like everything to be in its place and that can get a little bit controlling and if I'm stressed that's going to come out even more andi I know it's not my best state to be in around my family sometimes I moments like there's this little part of me out here going oh you know you're doing it and I can't quite seem to stop it but I do my best but other times I just I now recognize it and say this doesn't matter you're trying to control something that doesn't matter and you're making other people miserable in the process and right then and there I decrease my stress and I did increase their stress so if we can all add to the world by decreasing stress that's a really cool thing how about you julia um I do that too especially now I live alone everything's like just so you know sort of whenever I have guess so I had my boyfriend stay for like a month when he didn't have a house I was like right you know we're just so in cool like it really doesn't matter and then um what else? Oh there with the email thing like you know, one of my closest friends just emailed me yesterday with a subject line alive question rug because I hadn't written backto lost two emails you know yeah so that's must be horribly stressful she's traveling in africa so she wouldn't know if I was alive or dead you know right right so she needs a touch base yeah, yeah yeah yeah isn't it fascinating. So jake, hey, what do you do? This dress is people lots of things you got our summary that one my tv wife because she'll she'll be able to give you the best darts from um I want to can't even these pacific but I know there are so many because I can tell I can feel the tension around me, right? Isn't that funny when you know you're kind of doing it and you can't stop it? But if one of the things I don't think it's ever deliberate is it no it's usually because we're already stressed maybe, but we're adding, so if we can actually sometimes flip it and think about subtracting if we just pick our own presence our own mind set sometimes we can subtract from it when the other persons in a whirling dervish in and we choose to be grounded, we have with all those mirror neurons and the energy fields that we share with each other, we have the ability to reduce the stress pool, and that could be a really good thing. So sometimes when you're feeling stressed out, flipping it to thinking of how you can cause less stress in the middle of it helps you, it really does any comments I say yes too much well, that's a great handle that's actually there handle they're saying they're an instigator. I think that I think that irritates people around them on here saying my worst stress provoking behavior is demanding accountability when bad behaviors a repeated over and over mmm that's back to that question than what is insanity doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result, right? So we've talked about so, so many different things. What do you want to do differently after all of this? What really resonates that you want to do differently? Erika um, I want to remember my individual needs that allow me to thrive and put those on my calendar so that I actually do them yeah, I know that I'll feel so much just better about things, right um and I love like even the questions yesterday of you know that end with who do you want to be today um and just being able to recalibrate myself when I feel myself slipping recalibrate to get back to where I worry and my bust excellent what would you like to do differently? Simon uh, couple thing with something really to what you said so I like that who you want to be questioned that something like we did yesterday exercise that works like if I imagine situation whatever that situation could imagine somebody like you said nelson mandela but maybe, you know, personal maybe it's tony robbins are you know, in some business thing that somebody in business and I just kind of imagine how you know they would be in that situation or, you know, I mean like that I think that's the undulating from mentors is very powerful that's that's being mindful too because you're choosing what behaviors you want in your life it's a good thing then the other part about the you know that the individual needs um on the self care like if I kind of look at myself as a third person and like he said, like, if I was if I was taking care of myself like it wasn't me you know what? What, you know what what would I give myself and how what treat and it's that that's a very different you know different way of looking at it so there would be a lot of compassion and you know, carrying so that's that that's a kind of an interesting frame reframing nice self care is not selfish it is really powerful and you can do it both from the sort of nourishing state as well from the scientific state of you know, wait a minute let's look at mia's an organism what does it need right now in order to thrive? Um so depending on what mood you're in, it can be this carrying nourishing place or it could be I'm looking at this the same way I would look at a business and seeing what part of that business isn't functioning how about you? Um yeah self care and self compassion I think um and also just developing the awareness like in the moment to be outed, to step back and you know, pflag and be like so you know yeah perpetuate stress and putting on other people self care makes us so much more resilient in the face of stress when we're feeling off balance it's almost a call for us to to boot ourselves up so that we can deal with whatever it isthe it's really important so how are you gonna help yourself accountable to that so far it call you in a month? How you doing? Did you do it where some ways you can hold yourself accountable, tell other people and that's what you want to do yeah, um I'll write it down on my calendar actually writing it matters it really does actually writing it down matters, putting reminders, sticky notes, whatever it is it's going to disrupt your busy life to remember your intention and you can use the weekly meeting that we've talked about, um and, you know, to to build accountability in however you need to do it, but you need to not only have his lovely intention but some accountability to that intention because when you do that, what you're going to do is start wiring your brain so that it follows it and that's what we're really going to talk about creating habits that is really wiring the brain together for this. So we've started we've started with figuring out, you know, what is on our plates that's and what is that? What is? Why do we feel stress? What is that that we feel and understanding the model of that then looking at ways to recognize it more in the moment to act want to access more flows? We want to recognize when we're not in flow and have some tools to get ourselves back there, whether it's breath work or what, whatever many tool works for you and then creating the strategies so that you are building into your life what you need to thrive and you've got tools in orderto ask for it and tools to recognize when you're getting it and when you're not getting it it's the hope that's starting to make sense to put this together that it's a process it is a strategy and without a strategy you don't get what you want what's coming from the cyber world there is no question that I think relates to that although it's the opposite if you like lola so fear is saying about accountability and not back holding yourself accountable though what if you feel the person you need something from is not able to give it for any reason but then even when you've reminded them it's still doesn't happen that that could be a long coaching session and could be interesting that person for some reason isn't able to get it is there another way to get it isn't another way to get your human needs met but not by that person I'm there lots of people who are in relationships where they get different things from different people I have a friend um in a marriage where they're just entirely different people and so she has her female group with which she meets some of her need to explore the world that he doesn't enjoy here you find other ways to meet it if it's a critical need for you than the conversation continues thank you for sharing that a similar question what what are your thoughts? Cindy? This actually comes from angst poppy again about the whole line of thinking about sending your intentions out into the world oh, thanks thanks let's get into intentionality and center personally and this is more of a this is more of ah my concept of the world I don't think you can put an attention intention out there in the world and not take any steps to meet it. I do believe envisioning I do believe that putting intentions out their matters I don't understand the energetic ce of the world and the more science I learned the more I realize we don't know we just don't know and it funny you ask that because you'll enjoy the next slot on the left in this slide and I'm going to relate it to what you just said in a minute things puppy on the left in this slide is a brain cell under the electron microscope and this was done by marc miller at brandeis university on so this is through an electron microscope we're talking microns on the right is a picture through a telescope of a galaxy they look pretty darn similar don't they and we are this this is an amazing system these little puppies fire and it makes us do things it makes us talk it makes us babe just buy these little things firing and yet we're part of this massive universe of all of these stars thes air all systems and were a system within those systems and the research to find out what makes our system work matters now if you think about intentionality in the scope of this wow from what does what power does a thought half there's all kinds of fascinating research out there there's research showing that you can pray for somebody in a different room and change brain waves we don't understand all that now at this point, I think we're in the rudimentary stages of piecing that together what is an intention? Is it a thought energy that's put out into the world and what does that mean at this point? What I know the data that I have is that I believe that stating your intentions is important. I believe that the world often gives us a lot of what we want, but we need to take the steps we are ultimately accountable for the steps we take toe open up those opportunities and that's the same for stress management there's a lot of victim feeling to it and, you know, bad stuff happens toa really good people I've worked in a hospital, I've seen it, I don't understand why children get cancer I don't understand why people are at the peak of a lovely relationship one of them has taken out and I can't begin to understand how that yet, and I can't put that together with all the science that I know, but I know I'm in this state of curiosity, and I know that when I worry about it in stress over it, I'm not helping anybody in the process. So it's my duty to try and figure out how I thrive to help other people thrive and keep going with that. That was kind of a heavy insert. Thanks, poppy and I have so appreciated your contributions, but I I would love to know the answer. I'd love to know that. Is it true that I put an intention out there into a thought bubble and it goes to some energetic mechanism I want to know I do want to know books on the subject, I think. Oh, yeah, yeah. Cosmic ordering is another thing, isn't it that's part of this? Yeah. Yeah. Um, you know, I have seen what we think change our bodies. So what else does it too now? Uh, it's, um the more as I said, the more science I know, the more I know we don't know.