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Lesson Info

Aligning with Your Partner

So what I'd like to do before I get into the seductive arts of lining with your partner. I'd like to bring up a couple because we have the the privilege and honor to have a couple here in the studio, even though this amazing man did not start off in the course Here he is. He's been working hard at home with the time you probably the few hours outside of work that he has to go through the manual and Rochelle has brought it to him and she's been vulnerable, and she's brought things up that she was afraid to bring up and things have come up, I'm sure. Am I right? Things have come up. So I think the audience would like to know what's going on for you because so many people have questions about this at home and I would like to use you as an example so that people can learn even more. How does that sound scary. Also, give him a big hand. They need a lot of energy bubbling up here. Thank you for being here. And thank you for coming up and, uh, taking some risk. Is it important in life to take...

risks. Yes, that's right. So they're taking a huge risk. And part of the reason that they're doing it, by the way, is one to help your relationship in my rain. Yes. Okay. And my my other guests is that you want to help some people back home. So accurate. Always, always cool. Okay, so are But I'd like to hear from you first. Is that okay? Absolutely. OK. Can you tell me just what is your experience been? What we know is that Rochelle came home with this huge manual and was like, Okay, we got to go through this. I don't know how she said it, but you didn't necessarily agree to it or know exactly what was coming. What was your reaction and how How did that come up for you? Well, I think it's it was a little bit difficult because it was such a wealth of information. And when we're shell, get something that she's really interested in, I think even other says she's got this natural exuberance and she really, really, really in grains herself and dives in head first. And that kind of presentation could be a little bit overwhelming. You know for me because I've been dealing with people all day, right? And its hold on a sec. Let me just check in here. Is it possible that when you bring 100 and 50 page manual And you, by the way, are after you've done this course you're really excited. You're ready to change. Your beliefs have already started a shift. Your emotions have started a shift. Your decisions have shifted. And all of a sudden you're like, Hey, honey, plop, you know, and you're very, very excited. Is it possible that he or she might get overwhelmed? Yes. So that's a great point, because that's gonna happen. So how did that? How did it end up? So then what happened from there? So you felt overwhelmed. Go ahead. Right. And we worked through a few parts of the manual together. OK, so I'm gonna pause again. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just want to make sure you're saying such great things. I want to make sure they capture this. So even though it was overwhelming because some people right might bring it, and then they're overwhelmed. They won't You know someone someone else might have said no. I don't want to do it. So maybe what did Rochelle say to you? That kind of let down your guard? Even if you felt overwhelmed, that allowed you to go through that well, I made the commitment to go through it. When she said she wanted to take part in this, I thought it was a really great idea. And, um, we've been trying to find a way to sit down and come together on money issues for several months now. And I think this is ideal because it someplace that we can work from together instead of bringing our own desperate ideas to the table. I think we have a little bit of resistant to each other's ideas about money. Yes, and this gives us a little bit more of a common ground to work on from kind of a neutral perspective. That's that's absolutely true. And that's how it was designed. That's exactly how it was designed. And most of my clients will say you know, this having this point of reference or having this system, you know, something toe work with it. It's not your system or her system. It's just this is the system that you follow. It's been proven toe work. So now all you gotta do is fill in the blanks. So I was a really good point. Great. So then what happened? She shared with us that she told you she told you something? What is your perspective? What did she say to you? Remember, only text to do. And I came home and I said to you that I had to say that I wasn't 100% that I was holding back. Remember that diversity that's having dinner? I think that's what Broughton's asking about. Oh, okay, she says. I mean, some people, she said some things that might have hurt your feelings. I just want to know how you felt because she was being very honest, authentic. And what we realize and recognize is that even though it was something you probably didn't want to hear, there was power in her vulnerability because she she let go and sheets and she told you the truth. She was authentic about her fears, and a lot of people are afraid. There I talked about opening the can of worms. They're afraid, even talk to their partner about money. How do I bring it up. And Rachelle demonstrated that something that she did and being vulnerable work. So I'm sure they want to hear because they're probably scared as well. You know why? You know why is it that she said something that wasn't very nice? And you still work kind of at her rescue to help and still be part of this boat. I think the thing is that when you are in a relationship together and you make a commitment each other, you're willing to go through the hard things. You know? It's not gonna be easy. 100% talking. There are gonna be issues that come up. And, yeah, it got a little frustrating for me because I've been wanting to work on this for such a long time, but I just you know, I was at a loss for how to be able to bring something to the table that would be seen as collaborative instead of me trying to push my own agenda. Yeah. So what? What are the challenges? So since you've had you've had some talks, you've gone through the manual. You've done your homework. You've done some things together. What has come up for you a some challenges because I know you guys are obviously you're just telling me you're having some challenges around money. But first, tell me what would have been the challenges in both of you, Um, of this process, like, what's come up as you've gone through this? Maybe nothing. I think one of the biggest things is like to work together at the end of the day when we're both kind of tired and this is so important. But it's so intense to try and get our homework done at the end of the day has been really challenging. Last night was really challenging. We're both tired. It was really important that we do our homework and we just had a breakdown in communication with each other and we were both frustrated. But we both knew that it was really important and we were really trying, and yet we couldn't come to a place where we could meet each other. We were both trying really hard, but I was like we finally just said, Well, so exhausted. We have to come back to this, which is great. So you come back to and that's a perfectly to dio you know I have. Ah, lot of my clients talked about avoider, our right avoider Alice. Someone who doesn't like to look at their money. They don't like to pay attention to it because it gives them anxiety. Well, what realizes that? You know, one day when they're looking at that spreadsheet, remember the Kim June system And you're looking at the numbers what I tell my clients to do because it gets overwhelming. Sometimes if that stuff freaks you out and you, you're really committed. So you push through, you push through, but it's freaking you out. You need to stop because you know what you're gonna do. You're gonna condition a pattern that you're gonna associate pain to it. So this is why this is exactly why I have the 15 minute chat. Does it make sense? Because I have a limited a finite amount of time, especially when it's heated or its emotional. We're not getting You're not getting through it getting on the same page. It's 15 minutes. It's a little bit different because I said Go home and do this homework and you guys are really trying to push, and that's great. And what I want you to make sure because you have this. You have this program. You could take weeks to do it. You can take three days to do it. You can do it faster, slow as you want. What's important is that you do it. And if you do one section money values could take hours, Right? Money values itself could take hours. And by the way, that's not the one chat. Seem ice. Okay, You just said Aiken, do only 15 minutes. Well, if you're doing money values and it's been 15 minutes and it's like you're feeling frustrated or it's heated or it feels like it's not working, then stop. If you're doing is 15 minutes in your, like, enjoying the process and that you're getting through it and you've committed to figuring out your values, then keep going. You gotta feel it out, you know, Intention, rises. You know when that happens, so listen to it. Just don't stop, because what some people will do, they'll try it. They'll push, and it gets so painful. Now they've associate ID pain to this manual, right? That's all what I want. I want you to get through it, so you do some of it. You feel good about it. Then even if you did a part that was challenging and that was heated or that was emotional, what I'd advise you to do is go to a part that felt good. Well, remember, why are you doing this? Why is this important and what's great? You guys keep saying it's so important. What I'd like you to also add to that is not just why it's important. But what's it gonna give you? Like what? Assuming you do this and now, you know, these money issues were not really issues. They're just things that we need to get through. Yeah, and assuming you do that right, then how is that gonna affect your relationships? That's what I think envisioning like you may visiting that when we get past this part, we have freedom. That's what I conditioning. If we get over this when we get to this point and we get to clear communication, then we have freedom. That's awesome. What I love about you too. It's so obvious that there is there a lot of love here and acceptance and understanding. I mean, you have everything you need and all that fear stuff that comes up like, remember that when I said thank you for sharing. Thank you for sharing. Yeah, So as long as you stay committed and you were I mean, it's so obvious these two are committed. Some of you at home are going. Oh, that would never happen with my honey. Who wouldn't be so understanding. So if you think that Oh, you wouldn't or she wouldn't be so understanding, she wouldn't be so accepting. Then what do you need to dio? If you want more acceptance, you need to be more accepting. If you want more love, you need to be more nothing loving. If you want more understanding, you need to be more understanding that some of them might not experience this. There might be a lot of of resistance, and I talk to Reena about this. I said, You've got to take baby steps. You know, her, her husband, she she feels like he's not willing to share, like he doesn't want to tell you how much money he makes. He told us that, right? And so I said So Don't push. And don't try to make him. Robin said, You have to have transparency of the finances. We have to have transparency of the finances. No, no. You give him more love, more acceptance, more understanding. You meet him there and then you take baby steps and you be the example I just told you on the break. I think I did on the break, right? I said in arena. So what you need to do is like Rina said, Well, I want to get my husband on the same page and I feel like he's he's not there. Like I say, I want this vision And she has big dreams, this girl and he basically doesn't act like at least that he has total faith in you. Is that accurate? Yes. Doesn't really believe it's gonna happen. Go get a job. Let's let's, like, make some money. That's not not top talk about this pipe dream, right? Yeah. So instead of me saying, do the exercises get on the same page? Prioritize. No. You're gonna do those on your own, and you're gonna bring things to him as it's appropriate because he's not just given the book. Hit him on the head with that, you've got to get this stuff right you gotta do is appropriate. So you have to start doing things and bring it to him. If he's not willing to show you how much he makes, you need to show him how much you make. Honey. Here's my money mask. Look how much I keep its negative 1000 month. That's vulnerable. I'm not proud of it. I spent more than I made. I made some decisions that I think we're good because I'm investing my business. But I'm not proud that it's a negative $1000. Whatever you feel, I'm just like you. But then I'm gonna show you. Honey, this is the confidence that he needs to see. I'm gonna show you, honey, that negative 1000 next month it's going to be zero. I'm gonna keep zero and it's only zero. I know it's not what we ultimately want cause we both want We want me to make money and I want That's really hard to say. I want to make money and you want me to make money. Were actually aligned. We we want the same thing right now. It's zero. Now I'm gonna monitor, I'm asked cause honey, I get it you're not going to show me it. So now next month after that, it's gonna be 1000. And first you just tell him this is what I envision because I am so committed to making this happen. And I want you to be happy. And I want you to believe in me and I get that Maybe I haven't shown you that I can do it. And so I'm gonna show you. I'm going to show you so you could be excited for you instead of like, Honey, we're doing this together. I'm excited for us like he's gonna be like, Dude, you went to some freaky seminar. She's probably not, and he's right. Brings up a really good point because one of our users says, how much of the manual is individual? So base so that if you don't have a partner or partner yet you can still set yourself up to be your best self financially minded and free of that inhibition. So you pointed out that, but what's true about that statement that IHS like such a phenomenal question? Thank you for asking that so you can do the entire manual on your own. Let's take an example. Let's look at the multimillion herself. Talk your own right. But let's take something that's supposed to be with your partner. You are supposed to ultimately bring that home to your partner. Like the money talk rules to live by. That's how to communicate with your partner. But what is it? Who is it focused on you? What if you don't have a partner, but you become more nurturing and you don't nag? What if you just nurtured yourself and you didn't add yourself? What have you just nurtured other people? You got really good at being nurturing? I'm gonna be nurturing to my boss under nurturing to my co worker. Whatever it ISS, you don't tryto fix your partner. So you're like, Well, I don't have a partner. Well, do you ever run that pattern with friends where you're kind of like, you know, pushing them to be someone else? You ever run that with your parents? You're like Mom, don't dio you're trying to fix them. And instead of accepting them, practice on everyone you know you will become the person that will attract the person that you want to be with into the entire manual on your own. But if you do have a partner, you do it yourself. And with your partner you bring it together. So you want to do it with your partner. But you have to meet them where they are. And then you you do this like a little bit of the future pacing. This is how it's gonna be and you meet them where they are, and then a little bit above. I'm gonna meet you where you are. But I'm gonna do these things as far as showing them and involving them. I'm gonna show you my stuff now I make. And then you show them right. I said you were negative. 1000 0 1000 You showed up. Now you show him. I'm now keeping 1000. Now I'm keeping 2000 and it grows and grows. Your income is growing. Look how much I make now, honey, I'm getting like chills. I'm excited cause it's happening and you're showing him. And then guess what? You start talking about your dreams that seemed like a pipe dream to him. But he's seen these changes within you and with your money. That's like, so unbelievable that now he's gonna start to believe you. And you're not just talking about making a $1,000,000,000. You're talking about the thing you're going to do in the next three months. It's gonna be huge. And you're gonna do it because you've already started to do things awesome. Let your partner come meet you where you are. So you've had some challenges. Who? What is your biggest issue or what has been your biggest issue between you guys and money that I spend too freely and quickly? Okay, you spend too freely and quickly you have spent in the past. Let's just put it in the past. Learned that one? Yeah, okay. You used to spend too freely in too quickly. And then how has that been for you? What's come up for you when that happens? Well, it's a little bit difficult for me because I'm on the opposite into the spectrum. Like if $50, fell into my lap from the sky, I wouldn't buy a BMW by a folks Wagen, just in case of broke down tonight, have some money left over to get it fixed. Right? But Rochelle would buy the BMW and then if it broke down, e, get a job, and then I make the money to get it fits. Right, Right, right. Okay. So great. So great. That's awesome. That is I can relate to that. By the way, did you guys do the money types do that exercise? No, not yet. Not yet. Okay, cool. So I'm not gonna tell you what I think you are because I don't want to. I told you not to do that. I said don't tell your partner what who they are. So I don't want to do that to you. But that, by the way, would be huge for you. So here's a great example. Like what? To go through the manual. You know, you got you got to just go through it one by one and things were going to come up. And it's designed in a way, by the way to go from, you know, page one to page 147 or whatever it is. But you can go through and you can choose, like, Well, this is kind of an issue for me, like I feel like and you might not know exactly the money types, but I feel like you know, I'm spend through Sally and my husband's cheap chip and like, I know that's a big issue because he's always judging me for spending money so you could go to the money type section. What was it called? If you were money, Would you date you? Yeah, you go to the money section, and that's where you spend time. You can use us however you want. You go to the video, and that's how that's the one you watch, because that relates to most. So you don't have to go through Page 1 to 1 47 were trying to figure that out. Yeah, I mean, it's great if you do, but it's okay. Lets go through what's most relevant to you and in what's going on in your life. You can use it however you want. It's timeless. Confuse parts of it. Maybe you'll use this year in parts of it you'll use five years from now. It's fine, so that's interesting. So one of your challenges has been that you have have in the past two spent money freely, and you are more sounds like of a saver, and you not just a saver. You plan ahead and you also anticipate challenges. Is that accurate anticipating challenges and you're planning in case those challenges happen? So is it possible that maybe if we're on a continue on a spectrum here, that maybe you plan too much like it doesn't always happen? Like you might focus more on the negative? Right? And that's why she was asking question earlier, but the difference between realism and negativity, right? But on the other hand, we've had several financial challenges over the last nine months. A lost count Cicotte, uh, lost cat, a lost cat and a sick cat and roommate moving out. And I prefer not to deal with the stress of having to find the money to take care of those problems on top of those problems, right? I mean, just the fact that you know the cat needs $1000 in medical toast is stress and stress enough. And then what happened is she bought some some, like, beautiful as you just lovely described some beautiful. What was it? The cat carrier cat carriers. And I know how much you spent. But she said that was a mistake. You said yes. That was a mistake. That I made. So here he is. This guy who sounds extremely loving and supportive, right? Wants to make it work, right? Yes. And then, like he's just trying to, like, just get through his own stuff, of not feeling total anxiety about money and, like $1000 for cat procedure or something. Medicines attesting. The testing $ dropped for that and then, boom, she's like, done thing it all check out these beautiful cat carriers And she was like, Honey, these beautiful CAC areas you can find these that and he's like, No. Okay, what's great is that she's already recognize those patterns. So my advice to you was to start to recognize what one of the things we've been doing is how is it serving used to recognize a pattern. So a pattern of yours, it to anticipate challenges, and that's that's served you in a lot of ways. I'm guessing you have money for those challenges, but then you want to look at what's holding you back, because maybe there maybe I'm just gonna guess, because I want to make sure to get through the content as well. But maybe like, but you're living more in scarcity and you keep bringing like because you are always focusing on what might be go wrong. And I only know this because I'm just like this. My husband is this optimist. He's always thinking of how everything's gonna be so great. And I'm like a wood of this happens. What if this goes wrong with this having them? I think that's not realistic. And so I say negative things and and really pulls him down. And I've noticed that if I just let him dream, I could be going in my head like that ain't gonna happen. I don't think that's gonna happen on a good go to the moon. Have fun. I'll be there with you. You know, I kind of can can play along, humor him to some degree. But if I if I stifle that, if I say no, that won't happen. It kills him because that's who he is. She's this beautiful person who just loves to be optimistic and dreams. And if you accept that about her and I mean, I know you accept it because you obviously love her, but accepting it would be to hold back some of your patterns in your fears, thinking that might never happen and just keeping it quiet. You're thinking that might not happen right now because we're not talking about how to make it happen. When you get to that point, this is exactly what we're covering here. Like, What's it gonna cost? What do you need to invest? And you start to become realistic. It's really more like a choice of whether or not you're willing to do what it takes. And then you have that conversation. Just make sure to have that conversation after she's done her dreaming because and she's gonna tell you instead of you telling her where shells going to say, You know what? I'm not willing to do what it takes to have all the money to buy cat carriers that are beautiful all the time. Whatever, right, she's going to tell you that you don't have to because of you. Tell her she's gonna want to fight. Don't try to change me. I am who I am. I'm optimistic. I think everything is beautiful. Life is beautiful. And isn't that what you love about her? Absolutely. But it's just our fears, right? We're just trying to like we don't want hurt. You don't want her to get hurt. And so you do that because you think by doing that it's gonna make sure to protect her. And that's lovely. It just doesn't work like that. You're not broken. You don't need to be fixed. I need to be accepted and loved. And then she will tell you I've made mistakes. She will tell you she's no longer going to do that anymore. Draw a line in the sand of had enough. I'm ready to look at my money. I mean, have there been changes in her over the last couple of Yeah. Amazing. Do you see how your future together now could work even around money, even though before it seemed like money issues would never go away? Can you see how this process could help you come together and become aligned with cool? Is there Are there any questions? I want to see their any questions with couple before because they've been amazing. So want people to get a taste of what it's like and what goes on and how how all this content that you've learned just starts to filter in like I could just bring back I mean, I keep bringing back pieces of content That's appropriate, right? Because it's all coming up. So all you gotta do, just go through the manual, find out what you need, what's appropriate for you Take baby steps. Progress equals success. So I want you were not done. We still have the rest of the day and you're going to experience that. So you have everything you need to do this together. But I also just want to compliment you, because my guess is that if we had you up here at the very beginning and we didn't have that privilege and it's so awesome, by the way, change The schedule made this happen so he could be there for his lady, right? And be here for all of us. So that's awesome. But if you had been here, my guess is just even the way they're sitting would be different. Even the way they're talking would be different. It's like he's let his guard down because Rachelle stepped up and let her guard down, became vulnerable and authentic. And if you take one thing from that is how do I talk to my honey about money? If that's a big question that you're still asking and opening the can of worms. Just do. It wasn't enough. Then you just need to take those steps of what you can do to become the person that you are meant to be. Start showing up, take baby steps, you be vulnerable and you will start to see the guard will come down. Give these guys a huge round of applause. Thank you. We do actually have a question for you that's come in. And I know that we've got more props flying in. Everything's rolling. Uh, here, Roland Roland Roland. Now the question comes in from D. Koenig, who says Robin has mentioned many times that she is not judging one way or another whether or not couples keep their money together or separate. What is her ultimate belief? Or is it? It depends. Nice question. So it depends. Personally, I'll tell you personally, I really like having our money together because I feel like the Morris together, the more it really is like this is forever and ever. We are a unit like there's no your money and my money like it's just hours. I don't care if you make it doesn't matter if he makes it or I make it or I have some and he hasn't. It's just that this is we. And as you know, when I came into the relationship, that's how it waas. I was a financial advisor. I had money. He had gone through bankruptcy. He had negative and I say negative. Even though he wiped the slate clean as a bankruptcy, he had borrowed money from friends or family, and even though he didn't have to pay them back, he still had his integrity, integrity that he wanted to pay them back. And so, in my head, I Solich negative numbers over here. But once we got married to me, that was a huge shift. Like, I don't know if you're married or if you're in just a, you know, in a partnership or where you are. But for me it was That's just how it waas. I just decided I decided that once were together, were in it together, his debt or his, you know, whatever he wants to pay is ours because we're in this partnership. So I like bringing it together. But you don't have Teoh, so it really depends on what you want, so I'll give an example. I don't think I mentioned this already. My parents, my dad made He was the breadwinner and he made in over 100 grand a year living Silicon Valley and did very, very well. My mom. She didn't work. She was, Ah, stay at home, Mom For the first I think it was eight years of my life. And then she became a preschool teacher at a private school, making less than 20 grand a year, probably less than 15 grand. A year wasn't much right. And before, before they were before she had a job. The only money that they had was his money. But it was never his money. It was their money. Now my mom, by the way, was never that involved in the finances. And to this day, my mom doesn't really like to be involved in the finances, and much of what I'm doing and what I've done has gotten her more involved to see how it benefits their relationship and their is total transparency. But, I mean, he's the leader and she's the support. That's still how it ISS, and that's not gonna change. But That's okay. You don't have to be partners in the sense of the money rolls. But it was their money. It was their money. The way she looked at it, this is our money. She never thought like I'm using his money to buy our Children or my Children dinner. It was never like I'm going shopping. I mean, maybe when she went shopping on herself, maybe there was some guilt involved. But for the most part it was just their money. And it was just They made choices and some my dad felt work not appropriate. Maybe when she wasn't working that she would spend money on clothes that he maybe didn't like. But then she started working. And then it was their money, which is what my dad's money was. Their money and my mom's money was her money. My mom still to the state. She's like, Oh, I want to take you guys out. I'll take you and Trevor in Phoenix, out for lunch. This is on my accounts because she feels empowered. She made that money. She had her little stash. My mom is so generous. She just don't it. She's the one like she's donating all the time. Like she she basically burns a hole in her pocket. She's a giver because she just wants to give it all away, like she just feels like It's great to give it away, whether it's giving it to my kids like we'll go on a family vacation, I'll pay for this. This is for my account, but that's what she needs. So they have their money all together, in a sense, like I mean, I don't know. I think my mom's account is her account. It's under her social, I'm sure, but like my dad knows exactly how much is in those accounts. He knows exactly how much money she hasn't those accounts and there's transparency. And when it's low, he's paying more attention. And like Okay, honey, you might, you know. But I want to spend less this month because your account you only have $200 laughter, $2000 left or whatever it ISS. And she's like, you know, she'll write checks and she do does the thing and uses her card for herself, and that empowers her, and that is very important. And I I believe that for them, like if they just combined everything. It would not benefit my dad because he loves that just with her money, she goes and spends it on whatever he doesn't care. Spending on closed wounds, on taking people out, going out to lunch of their friends like he's like, Great. He was so excited about that because now it doesn't have to be their money going into that stash. So it totally depends. And some women, especially if you're not the breadwinner. It's really important to have your stash because there's this inherent guilt, these beliefs that I you know, he makes all the money. He puts a roof over my head, and there's always believes that you can shift, that you can change. But sometimes it's just the behavior. So I know I spent some time on that, but I know that's a huge question. People ask that all the time, and I want to make sure you get it. Is that clear? Yes, It also shifts the power dynamics to, you know, I know that when originally and my husband I first got married, we did have a shared account and when it was that way, I felt like I had to ask him if I could spend something for myself or you know, on whatever and it really it disempowered me to have to ask for permission, I because I'm very I don't know. I'm the way that I am. I'm very a powerful, powerful woman. E don't have to ask for, you know, kind of thing. And so we had to separate our accounts because it was just too much of a you know, of a thing, because I would look at the account me like, Oh, you spend money on something you didn't ask me. There was that struggle to write, So that's perfect example. So it really depends on what is appropriate for you and how it works. Well, the thing that that that is absolutely the most important thing that is non negotiable doesn't matter if it's in his social, your social or social, whatever. I don't care about that. Whether it's together, it's not. What is non negotiable is that you must have transparency. None of this secret stuff I gave the example of of Sarah and Joe Remember Joe committed suicide secrets. No secrets. That's what will kill your relationship.