Lessons

Lesson Info

Setting the Intention

So here is the first section. You just want to set the intention, and this is if you're gonna have the talk to bring it up. But this is also if you're having your weekly talk, which I'm about to talk about. This is also if you're having your money date, you're about to go into this money date or this talker this this moment in time where you're gonna discuss things that may be uncomfortable, there may be fear. Remember David on a They said, you know, she was concerned like, well, that he was gonna be offended. And mostly when she brought up money, he was offended because you didn't know how to bring it up. She brought it up, blaming him. You're spending too much or her fears like I'm scared. You're spending too much like there's no more mother of all the anxiety. So first you want to set the intention. They're the three years unconditional love so easy. So you're about to have a talk and you start before before you're like, Honey, can we have a stock? Even that 1st 1st sentence, you ma...

y want to first get centered. Unconditional love, unconditional. How often I'd be sent set that intention. It was unconditional. That means there's no judgment. It was unconditionally reason they'll blame it is if it's unconditional. It means I'm accepting. I'm understanding now. A great example of unconditional love is the dog, right? Oh, my goodness. Moxie. When I get home from this a little been gone for a few weeks oncoming. She's gonna be jumping a little and licking my face going crazy like, Oh, the love that pours out of her Even if I said bad dog bad moxie, she gonna stop loving me No, even if I did something terrible, which I would never do and like, gave her a spanking or something. And I've Specter before when she did something really bad, but I wouldn't hit her. But even if I did what wouldn't I wouldn't You saw moxie. You know it would hit her even if I did. Would she still loved me or what? She hold a grudge. Here's my £15 dog holding a grudge, starting to ignore me around the house because I yelled at her pee outside moxie, unconditional love. So we played this game in our house called Be the Dog just to remember to give your partner love unconditionally. My husband comes home and I'm literally supposed to do this. Come up to him. I don't have to actually walk like a dog. But I go up to him. I give him a kiss. He comes home. I am the dog. I go greet him at the door. I come home. He's the dog. He greets me at the door. Hi, honey. I'm busy right now. Gotta go. You know, it's OK. It's not perfect. Doesn't happen all the time, are not perfect. But because we have this intention of unconditional love a greatly to practice. It is just to be the dog. I like to be pet. How do you like to be pit? Play with my hair, please. I'll be the dog, right? Unconditional acceptance. We're gonna go into this in a minute. But do not change your partner. You cannot change your partner even if you wanted to accept who he or she is. All their faults, all their fears, all their issues. Except, um because if you're not accepting them, do you think you're gonna have let me ask you this If you're not accepting them? Do you have a higher or lower chance of influencing them lower. If you're not accepting that we have a lower chance of influencing them. If you've decided that you want to take your money to mastery to the next level to take your relationship to a rich relationship to the next level, you decided that which you, I'm sure have already decided. Then if you want to influence your partner to do the same to meet you there, right to be on the same page and you start judging I'm not gonna accept you because you spend too much money or, you know, you judge me for not making enough or whatever the issue is. You start with not accepting that person. Do you think you're gonna be able to influence them way? What do you do when you feel judged? Do that rebel. What else? You could you could you contract to restraining you contract restraint, hide scam. Like I if I if I feel like someone not accepting me, I feel like my husband's on accepting me. I just I can't be there. My go to is to escape. Luckily, my husband hardly ever does that. He is so accepting. I'm the one that sometimes messes that up. I make a lot more mistakes in the accepting areas. I make those mistakes. Okay? You're not going to be perfect. Give yourself permission to be OK. You know, you're good enough. You're trying to get better. You're growing. You're growing. As long as you're not dying, you're growing in. Your relationship can start to thrive understanding. You know, so many people come to me. I actually I have a radio show and I got a call. If they have callers and all that I had, I had a call, and she she called and she said, Oh, what you said about money and relationships, Um, you know, money breaking up relationships is so true. My husband, he would hasn't made money in years. And he's spending all this money. And I finally said, Enough is enough. And I left and I am. I'm gon my husband. My my kids are old enough now that I don't have to, you know, I don't have to take that anymore. And look, I'm not telling you every relationship is gonna work out, and maybe your patterns are not gonna work together. like, maybe it's just your goals and your values and everything that's important to isn't totally in line. And maybe it won't work out which there is no understanding. Like, I don't know what is going through. But what if she just under slick had this heartful understanding like I know what you're going through? I mean, just imagine story with Joe, right? If he was like in this example, he didn't have a job. He was getting more and more credit cards, try to pay for the lifestyle that he thought his wife wanted to live. They didn't tell her because just like this other guy just mentioned, You know, if your if your spouse isn't gonna accept you and understand where you're at, then of course you're gonna try to hide from it, right? Yeah, it's also encompass. Going back to that story of Joe that you had shared is also encompass that unconditional love for self. Yes, and acceptance and every point. Great point. I mean, that is that's huge. Right then on my nose, actually totally say that next time. No, but that's huge. I mean, you know, we're focused a lot about you, and now focus more on how you interact with your partner. But you're absolutely right. I mean, it's so easy. I mean, we did this right? With the little girl, right? You are another little boy or girl. I mean, the way we treat ourselves, it's horrible. So harsh, so unconditional love to yourself. Unconditional acceptance. Even if you're not making the money that you want to make understanding, I am where I am. And I'm not going to stand for it and stay here and do nothing. So you're not accepting it in accepting the thing, the circumstance, But you're accepting yourself for who you are, right? Your understanding where you are and you're letting yourself be free because of it makes sense. Awesome. Okay, here the six money talk rules to live by is all. They're all out. So we just have a conversation here. Okay. I want to read you. This is on page 97. Thank you for that. So, in 97 just going to read this to you and just think about it, okay? This isn't your manual. You have similar stuff going on in your book that you can read and just get motivated. You may think that telling your partner what to do will help. But you have to ask yourself, How has nagging worked for you or your partner in the past? Trust me, nagging doesn't work. So the next time you feel the need to condemn or judge or snark about an expense or get a job already, bite your tongue. Remember, you don't like to be nagged, and neither does your honey nurture. Don't nag. Also, talk about the five Languages of Love. I did not make up the five languages of love I didn't even put Put it up on the screen or anything you can. It's great book. It's great book. You get it. I forget the author, but very, very awesome. Now, if you really want to nurture your partner and just like I was telling Reena, you want to nurture them and give them love in a way that they like to be loved, right? Not just in the way that you like to be loved or that you think will make them feel. Why don't they feel that I just looked into their eyes in a loving way? You should feel love right? That may be how you feel. Love, but maybe not how she feels loved. So the five languages I'll give these to you these air really, really valuable. So we already said acts of service. Right words of affirmation was another one. I had mentioned gifts, quality time and physical touch. This is in your manuals. I'm not gonna write it down. Isn't a man on page 97 It's right under that part where it says, Really with blank. So in your manuals has really listen to your partner. Acknowledge your partner. Give your partner a loving touch, and then they have the examples here. Gifts, quality of time, words of affirmation, acts of service or physical touch. I'm just gonna spend a few minutes on this so you can try to figure out if you don't know already what your partner's languages of love are. The top languages. Gifts. If your partner, you know, when you get your partners up gift like he or she gets so happy and getting a feel so loved right? Maybe that's it. Now your best way to find out with the best way to find out what your partner's languages of love are. Dry. Try it one better way. Yeah, it's a This isn't a quiz, but yeah. Oh, you could do a frequent online like this is not a quiz, but Okay, So the free quiz online, Or you can just look at these words and, you know, figure it out pretty easily. So awesome. So quality time. I was definitely a language of love for me. I mean, my husband I just say, you know, we work at home. We both work from home. We work together a lot because he's always helping me with myself. And I'm always helping him with his him his stuff. And we spend a lot of quality time. But sometimes it's all business stuff and it's not really quality. I wouldn't call it quality that I feel like I've been seen him in weeks. Even though we've been spending every waking moment together, quality time is different than time. If that is important to your partner, you want to spend quality time with him or her words of affirmation. Man, my honey loves this. You are awesome. You're so may using. Honey, you're listening right now. You are so amazing. I love you. Gosh is just like you know, on the man Bollywood do that dance to It feels so good. And sometimes, honestly, I forget to tell him and he hears me on the phone talking to my friends are talking to my parents. And I'm like, Oh, Trevor, so amazing. He was helping me with my manual on Oh, it looks so good. I'm so lucky to have him. He helps me all the time. Yeah, he's so amazing. And he's like, Do you think you can tell me that every once in a while there's something and I'm on stage? I'm like, Oh, let me tell you, my husband, he is incredible. This guy like, why don't we tell him that? I don't know why it's more uncomfortable or something, so I got to keep working on it. It's not gonna be perfect, but imagine you're bringing up this talk. You start talking about money, right? And you want your partner to feel accepted when your partner feel loved. So you nurture don't act. It's very simple. I'm not gonna read all of that. You got the manual right? Here's what you can do right now. Right This down right now. Okay. In your manual Page 98. How could you be more nurturing to improve your relationship? You may not know exactly the languages of love, my husband. It's words of affirmation, physical touch and acts of service. So I joked that if I was saying, Honey, you're awesome while doing the dishes and giving him a loving nut, she'd be super excited, feel totally left. How could you be more nurturing to improve your relationship? But this is how can being more nurturing, improving relationship? You get the point. How could nagging ruin your relationship? We're trying to get some leverage here, and then ask your partner so you can take the quiz online. That's awesome. There's a quiz, or you can just, you know, have him rate or her rated the love languages in order of importance. This is in your manual. Show you a little visual here, so and then, based on your partner's top to love languages, what's your new success formula? This is your personal money mastery roadmap. Personal, personal, personal. This is customized. This stuff I do with my private clients figure out what personal can you do so that you have success, success in your relationship success with your money. So let's get some examples here. Who's ready? America? Um, I know quality time is a big one for okay, and he really likes to get outside and go hiking and such. So I can plan different hikes or outdoor activities to do together. We're going camping this weekend, and the people were going with I can't go, such as the two of us. I can plan Mawr like there's kayaking, and there's things that I can put into place cool that's always really fun and exciting. Is it? Well, when you start to think about how you can really make your partner feel loved and you're like imagining what it would be like when you know she feels that way And when you do that, you bring home that gift or, you know, if it's like telling you depends on their language of love, right? You know, there's Valentine's Day, people think bring chocolate and flowers, and I'm like, I don't really care about gifts like I just want to be with you, Honey, I want you to tell me how awesome I am, right. So really depends. That's great example. You know something that Well, I talked about before. Acts of service. Yum. Are what in what can you do? Yeah. Did you decide? Uh, well, yeah. I mean, I do. I think part of the thing for me is I get so focused in on my own stuff that I have going on because I have a lot of stuff. Um, you used to have a lot of stuff, huh? E I don't know if I used Teoh so weird about that. Okay, look, look what it's like. I'm gonna pause to reassure. Okay? This is an ongoing process. Keep telling yourself I have a lot of stuff. You're gonna have a lot of stuff. Alright? It's time to be done with all the stuff. Because the truth is, we all have a lot of stuff, right? Yeah. Cares. You got issues, you got issues, you got issues. I have issues, you have issues except him. Change him and move on. As long as you keep telling yourself that you're gonna fall back into your pattern, right no longer stand for that. Keep going. A sidebar? Yes. Yeah, she could think about that. A lot of stuff. Um, is I'm working on myself to be a better person. Okay? I'm working on myself to be a better person. That basically means you have stuff that you're not happy with and you're working. How awesome. You're working on yourself to be a better person. Cool. Good one. I sure that, uh okay. Going, uh, words of affirmation, which I actually I don't. And the funny thing is is that he tells me what he wants. And that's how I am with my my husband to feels weird, cause then it's like, OK, honey, I'll do that. But then it feels canned. He doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. Do it anyway. Oh, my goodness, that's really, really important. That's so important. Um, like I'm about I like to cook, but I like to eat like when food is on the table and ready to go. And that's how I grew up. So that's why I'm like that, you know, it was 6 30 We had dinner. And this is it always the same pattern? Not always, but this is the same pattern. Is that my mom? She cooked the dinner and my dad would be in his office and would be like, Honey, Dinner's ready and he would like like Is it on the table like waiting till it has to be? The moment my mom didn't just come in, you know, go out for dinner. It's any It's ready, but we would eat at 6 30 every night. And that was like how how it worked and really important to my mom that the whole family was there at the same time, eating dinner together and for me like that's the same that we don't eat at 6 30 every night, oftentimes nine o'clock. But we when? When I have dinner ready and I oftentimes cook, he does too sometimes but often cooked. And I'm like, Honey is ready to play that same game like he wants to wait till the very last second. Like, are you my dad? Uh, but then he comes in and I feel First of all, I feel love. Just when he comes in, when it top like that makes me feel loves and you're gonna learn the daily questions. And one of the questions that we ask every single night we've done this for the last three years is what makes you feel loved so that we keep remembering how, Because how do you know what they tell you? And so I told my hunt, like So he starts eating and stuff, and I'm like, Honey, can you tell me it's delicious and really the perfect ingredients, like I gave him a line once like, Wow, this is the perfect ingredients of and just taste so delicious. And he's like, Wow, this is the perfect ingredients and taste so delicious And I'm like thank you And it made me feel good even though I came off the line. And, you know, sometimes I'm just like honey, I needed to tell me that I'm awesome and he's like, You're awesome and I just petty that line and it still feels good, so it's totally can. But how are you supposed to know what to say and what to do if they don't tell you? So just do it. It still makes it feel good. And the cool thing is, is that you start to train yourself. So now I know like now he will sit down to dinner like this is years later, and he's like, This is the perfect ingredients, you know, that's the language I use. So he's like perfect ingredients. Awesome. Like I like to hear. Perfect. It's really cool. So now he knows. How do you use that language To make me feel good? I love it when it plays with my hair. And sometimes I'm like, Honey, can you play with my hair? I'm like a dog, right? So I tell him that because I want I want experience it. So first of all, what that means to me if you aren't good at receiving that, that means you also aren't good at telling him so that you can receive it. So he probably doesn't know how to make you feel loved. Because you're afraid that if I tell him and he's gonna tell he's going to do, it's gonna feel canned. You have this belief. That's just a belief. Yeah, like it's not authentic. Yeah. So get rid, I believe. Who cares? Yeah. Tell him what you he needs to do. Let him win, right? Especially men out there, You know, they just wanna win. They wanted to way. You want them to do it. They don't know what the new does. Tell me, lady, What did new? I don't know what you're thinking you crazy woman. That's I want him anyway. Way you have to tell me where that reset button is on your husband, where he knows, like the food is still warm. And I and I'm not tape lingering around like my husband does that where I'm like it's ready. And he's like, OK, and I'm like, five minutes and I'm like, Where I know and I try to give. I try to give warning after warning like the countdown, right? You're like five minutes, honey. Two minutes, honey. Dinner's ready. It's ready, it's on the table. And that warning doesn't seem to matter, right? So, yes, I don't know the magic formula cause he doesn't always do it, but it does help to remind him that it makes me feel loved when it comes to the table when dinner is ready. Okay, so that's that's one key and ah yeah, other than that is to also to allow him to run his own pattern. And that might be that he comes a little bit late and, like, if you could just change the meaning, like I used to really believe. Now my husband says food time is happy time. My husband had to train me about that because I used to get super anxious like I wanted to eat what I get really, really hungry. Like I need to eat and when I need to eat, if I don't eat, I feel grumpy and angry just by the way. Angry. That's awesome. Never that. So if I don't if I don't get unlike now it's now. It's like we've reached the threshold. He's like, Oh, no, it's over the threshold. Oh, no, no, no Eat. And he's like, I don't care if dinner's ready. Eat, Please eat. And he told me, Remember, you interrupts my pattern all the time. Food time is happy time. So sometimes I need to let go of making him come to the table. Exactly what I want to eat, right? Yeah, and also respecting the other person's rhythms and patterns and their sense of timeliness and practicing patient. Yes, because we're talking a lot about the spoken word as the affirmation. But Texas lady says my partner is big on written words. I often text him in the middle of the day, totally unwarranted to tell him how amazing. Wow, that is so awesome that reminds me of another story about Keith Cunningham. I told you about the rich dad. Poor dad. Um, he met his now wife and when he was like, he had learned from a past relationship that he wants to make sure that, you know, his wife always feels love. And so on their first date, he like, he was like, Excuse me, sir, Like he really had a strong connection. He knew he wanted to be with this woman. And he was like, Excuse me, Waiter, Can I get a piece of paper? You know, they took gave him a like a menu or something like that to write on the back of. And he's like, Tell me what makes you feel loved. He was just talking to ride. Agony is like 20 minutes later, he had all these things written down, and he's like, OK, I got the formula figured out and one of the things was that I feel love when I get a note every single day. Now some people might say, Well, I'm not gonna do allow. That's a lot of work I'm doing now. And so he writes her a post it note. I love you. Every day she gets to know if he's out of town. He extends a text every day she gets enough.