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Obstacles in Modern Relationships: Stress Overload

Yea, let's see. This morning we did money. We did sex wear on obstacles. We're gonna get into stress overload. That's what's coming up quickly. I wanted to make sure that I prefaced for you a couple things when we had talked about making that time for yourself. How important that is to do. One thing that this quote, I think is actually brilliant that speaks to that very well is that lost time is never found again. You have to prioritize when you're going to make that time for yourself when you're gonna make that time for each other. A lot of us feel like you know what I'll see you after the next dress way after the next kind of wave of business that occurs. And yet that business doesn't really low. One of the things that certainly in my personal life strip and you'll meet Steve and just a little while if you haven't already. One of the things that we kept saying is like Ah, you know he produces a number of races women's only triathlons like the Ramming Rose Race series, which is like a...

year, a zealous half marathons and all just kind of cool stuff going on. And so his year is cyclical around these events, you kind of, you know, garden up. And then there's this 10 He'll target 10 miler for any UNC Vance andan. You kind of kind of keep going. My life is cyclical. I've got creativelive coming up. I've gotta hurry up and prep. I've got this book coming out on, but we found is that over time, year after year are cycles were just They never were down at the thing time. And we thought that was a good thing, right? Your stress points here that then as soon as you're done, I'll go into my stress point. But guess what gets missed. As you take turns having the stress points, you're not down in that low stress point together on, and the big take away is that even though you feel like you'll get to it, that time is gone, it's behind you that the opportunity of when you re prioritize things for you is now. This is when you do it because you don't get that back. And by the way, if you're sitting there saying, Yeah, this all sounds good, I'm learning a lot But, you know, I'm not really doing anything wrong in my relationship. They're the ones that are kind of have a lot to work on. A really great way to have some visibility into what is going on in your relationship from the other person's perspective is to simply say a very innocuous question. Which is what kind of partner have I been to you lately? What kind of wife have I been to? Italy. What kind of boyfriend have I been to you lately? And part of when we talked earlier with Mike is that you have to be open to what you hear back on and preference. Like I'm gonna ask you this question. This is this is the way I would do it. I would say, I'm gonna ask you this question. I want you to answer. Answer this. What? But before I asked the question, I want you to know that's important for me to answer in a really software, because it's not an easy question for me to ask. I just I want you to know that just start with setting expectations and then also declaring what you need. I need you to know that My feelings are on the line here when I asked this to you. And so the question is, what kind have fill in the blank? Have I been lately? And then and then have the dialogue be reciprocated. That's a great way to kind of figure out where you are. Um, all right, let's talk about Obstacle number four Stress overload. This is a major reason why couples can't move past certain problems. It's not that were not. I mean, obviously, stress has been a part of everything. We've been talking about it part of our current reality. It's white. 80 to 85% of people check into the Mayo Clinic for physical problems. Stress is constantly there, but how you handle it as a couple says volumes about how happy you can be together in the face of stress. I mentioned earlier that the definition of peace is feeling calm in your heart in the midst of chaos. I do believe that quote is not contributed to anybody. If it is, I'd love to know who, so I could give them credit. I love that. In addition, you can have stress everywhere. You look as a couple and actually feel very content. And happy together. If you've got a foundation that sets you up to handle it well together and you're turning toward each other for support instead of turning against each other out of out of frazzled states, just feel like you don't even know what I'm going through. Um, I guess you had a question. Yeah, it is just in regards to that, um, you know, asking your partner your your wife. You know how I that been to you? Have I been to you like that? Another thing that comes to mind is asking them, uh what what can I do to improve? What can I do to improve? You don't really put a lot of prefaced there by saying, OK, my next question once you do not have a lot of answers to, but yeah, that's a really good point. Sometimes I feel like I'm lost. I'm like, Okay, how do I do that? Oh, I like that. Okay. So you as a husband to your wife with your 1.5 Children your second. How far along is she? 22 weeks. 22 weeks. Okay, So you would then from your perspective. It's one thing to say what kind of husband of I've been lately. But you're like that. That's good to hear. Can you give me more precise feedback and tell me exactly what I could improve upon? And do you think you feel comfortable here in the response? Would you be completely engaged in open to it now I am after date. We've gone through. I mean, we've gone through this for, you know, like, you know, how can I we talk about how can we improve? Yeah, at not every day, but you know, when it s stressful. I love that I love that destroy. Like, what is love to you feel like? Like what makes you feel like love from me and maybe you don't even know. And he might say, if you just put the dishes in the sink rather than leaving them on the county, that simple What that makes you feel love will make you feel like you're putting. It makes you feel like you're caring for our home and I together and stuff like that. Yeah. I was asking for a specific like, Well, how do you feel? Love. You might not have Yes, that and that's a very good point. Joy. If anybody here has ever read the love languages of the five love languages, it's brilliant, though it seems so simple. But it's brilliant. It's that we feel think we feel love differently and this also, it has to do with business. I once worked with somebody who used to bring me lunch every once. Mom just put the lunch with a fork and a napkin on my desk and I'd be in such a hurry. Biblical. Thank you so much. But then I just keep going. I just didn't really I felt like I was thinking her. To her. That was the way she showed. Appreciation was little gifts and the wish that she showed that she cared for me. I felt like, you know, I had a different way of showing that love, and I felt like she didn't really appreciate it, and she felt like I wasn't really appreciate. You don't mean that happens in a lot of dynamics where I feel like why do all the stuff? I don't really get back and she's like, but I'm doing all this stuff and I'm not getting it back It's just what we feel is love or appreciation is getting on the same page. It's a really good point, really. Good point, Um, And by the way, that book is referenced in the resource guide. It's Ah, it's a major best seller for a very good reason. And even if you read it and know it, you forget it. So it's helpful. Um, so, uh, another personal reference. His name is John Parker, and he wrote the book called F It Therapy. Um, it's a longer word after f it therapy and the whole and he runs a number of workshops. Actually, based on this premise that you have to accept that stress is part of your life, the more more comes into life. Married now, Children Now job now this. Now the Children have activities. Once they stopped rolling on the floor, you wouldn't believe how much harder against like, you know, in terms of the complexity that your life now encompasses, And I mentioned earlier that I had I used to feel less irritation in my life, and I've noticed irritation kind of comes along with the more complex your life becomes because now you're being pulled from so many places. You can't help but kind of feel like stop it. You're eating me alive. Um, one of the things that he teaches and I actually found this to be very helpful with this concept of effort therapy is to make a list like take a minute and make a list of everything in your life that creates stress or anxiety or makes you feel pulled on or frustrates you make a list. And this could be anything from traffic to a long line at Starbucks to, um, a serious health scare in the family. The things that are stressing you out there weighing on your mind freeform open sky, make a list. And by the way, if you don't know if you've kind of thinking somebody, that's not, you know, I'm not really a stress stressed out person. You start making this list and it's kind of shocking the amount of things that way on you from a lifetime respect, but certainly day to day. And if you kept going with it and started really saying okay, but maybe not today. But what was I stressed about a year ago? That some mechanism it still goes my life today. I just don't think about it as much that those pages just go on and on and on, and so we won't take the time to do that right now. But I would love for you guys to practice that exercise on your own one day. It could be very, very enlightening. But so make a list of all the things like I have to pay the bills. I have to keep the house clean. I have to pick up three different kids at three different times in three different places. I'm worried about how my child would perform in the soccer game. I'm worried about when the conversation I have toe have with this friend that's been looming over me. I'm worried about a client deadline. When you start really tagging on it, it could be quite a lot. And the premise here is that when you kind of put all this stuff together when it was gonna call it stress 123 You freeform this list and you sit there and and the best way to really make it comprehensive is to step through an average day. You step through eight o'clock. What I think about what I think about 10. It can really stack up and to say I have to draw a line somewhere on a scale from 1 to 10. What will I care about? And anything under that line? I'm just going to say And it doesn't mean you don't care about this things. You mean you don't? You don't You don't Grantham headspace. And that doesn't happen right away. You have to train yourself to care less about the things that don't really matter to you. The other day. Our God, there's just yesterday. Four days ago yesterday, I mentioned the term neural plasticity. And basically, what that's based on is that neurons that fire together they wired together. So the more you do something over and over again, the more it becomes a habit. The more you don't think about it, the more it becomes just how you think. Initially, you might say, Yeah, it's not a big deal that there's a line at Starbucks, but it's kind of bugging me, and I can't just say eff it because I'm frustrated. I'm late for my appointment. That may be how you address it the first time, but the second and the third and the fourth time. If you keep reiterating yourself, you can use whatever you word F It might be too harsh, but maybe it's like, Gosh, darn it bash, darn it! Hey, actually has this whole theory on why he uses that word. He said he thinks that that word alerts him to the fact that he has to pay attention. He wants a really strong, bold word that says, You know what? That's it. I have to have some word that on, by the way, I'm saying, Forget about it. That is what I mean. And the other thing that this making this list and drawing a line for him the line is eight. Anything less than a priority eight. You've got to re prioritize this list. A major health scare in the family is a nine or a 10. Um, gas prices just went up is a three, you know, And so just to think about, you know, obviously you could take all of these and say Well, in my life, I am a trucker, and gas prices are nine. You have to put it in the context of your life, but come up with the line and actively get in the practice of doing this. This is a great way for couples. If they can practice this together, because becomes a way that they turn into each other and they look at each other and say well of it. It's a way of bringing humor to a situation, defusing the stress and becoming closer in the download. And I believe it was just just to enroll. It's not even part of the purchase is an article I wrote in detail about the five steps, and I talked about this yesterday. But there's a detailed article that I wrote. It's also on all in one life dot com about the five things you can do. Teoh make this obstacle be become something less prevalent in your life, right? Obstacle number five raising Children. Does this surprise you that this might be a major obstacle for couples? No. No, it doesn't. Children could be a great source of joy, Period. Yes, we know that we spent three days seeing these joyful, beautiful Children. They can also, unfortunately be a great source of conflict. We are raised with different ideas of how to raise our Children and we can have extremely different views about things like potty training and what school they should go to win and how much we should pay for the school versus that school discipline. The arguments about discipline are crazy. How people can, you know they have varying degrees of what is letting your child be alive and run, be run and be free. And where the other person says, we need to teach them respect and how to actually contribute to society how to care about other people. Neither one's wrong. It's just again a source of conflict. Um, the other big thing, I think, is when you're talking about raising Children and I can go into this in great detail, I'm not going to gloss over this one a little bit because we will be talking about relationships with Children later. But another thing I want you to consider when it comes to raising Children, is most people will get all the education they need about how to have their first child, how to swaddle and how to handle nighttime feedings and how toe all that's for stuff. And most people do not continue to get educated about how to raise their Children. Certainly, how to communicate as a couple on how to raise their Children. The education ends at 101 instead of where you really need the advanced classes to 023 or three. A lot of if you actually were to pull back. And you know, if you had a chance, do a little Google search on some of this. It's it's pretty fascinating. Cut seven of the slides I have ahead for research, but a lot of a lot of studies show that most people don't educate themselves past the newborn stage. When it comes to parenting, they just don't they learn a lot there. I just want to break it when it first comes home. After that, I've got it from here, and the issues actually become more complex as Children get older, not only for the Children, in terms of emotional experiences that are that are actually more difficult to understand. You start getting into spaces with your Children as they get older, where you start have to worry, worry about their psyche, about how they feel about how they communicate with other people, how lonely they feel, how sad and frustrated. They feel issues that air literally life and death sometimes. But we don't educate ourselves on that. We think about how do I make sure this this newborn lives and obviously do that? Don't don't not do that, but later is actually where you need to entrench as parents, too, if you are parents to better understand some of these more complex issues, um, one just simple. One simple rule of thumb as two people who, if you happen to be raising Children together or many dogs, if you're raising many dogs that you just don't that actually all joking aside, people do fight about how to raise pets, not on the couch. Off course on the couch is my Shinobu is to sit down with your partner and from a very based level. And again, what do you hear over and over again? In this entire course? Communication, communication, communication, communication to relationships is water to life. It's that important. Sit down your partner and actually write down both of you the major values or truth that you care deeply about imparting to your Children as a couple of you haven't done this before, it may be something you've never actually recognized you both have different views on. Perhaps it's I want them to be respectful. I want them to be kind. I want them to be honest. That might be one person's take, whereas the other person is. I want them to be wild. I want them to break every law on society and be themselves. I want them, Teoh, Teik every risk out there and be alive the whole time again, like the money issued. Nobody's wrong. But you've got a really different idea of how to raise Children, and that's going to be a source of conflict all the time because they're always there. So that's something that just kind of sit back and say, OK, if we're on polar opposite sides of this, where's our middle ground? And how do we find it? So we're not correcting each other in front of the Children or completely disagreeing that. That's where this becomes a major obstacle. Rebecca, Would you have a point way? Have deeper conversations about what to name our Children, then have raised them? Wow, that's a really conflicts on what Something that I love that that's very good. That's very good. Yeah, so just recognizing that Ah, lot of the education must come later, and those discussions