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The Three I's: Impatience, Irritation & Insecurity

all right when we last left off way. We're talking about the fact that sometimes there's some things you can try in terms of working on yourself as it relates to being able to better work with other people. One of these and mentioned, was ruthless re prioritization. It's really hard to spend time in relationships if you're too busy all the time, anyway. No is a complete sentence. How a lot of times when we say yes, it's because we're maybe for me my usual. I'm trying to be nice or kind to somebody. But other reasons people might say yes when they want a say no is. Perhaps they are afraid of conflict or disappointing somebody, or they want to be the person who never says no. They want to be the person that anybody can count on. So there's a lot of reasons why you might say yes when you want to say no. And another thing that people stumble on is maybe they want to say no, no, but they don't know how to say it in a way that makes sense. They feel like anyway, they phrase it just doesn't c...

ome across well. So one of things I suggest Teoh clients I talked to all the time for business coaching perspective is right out some scripts, and I'm not saying you literally would hold up a note card and say, I am so glad you called me today. Not that it's getting an opportunity to basically put down in words once and for all. How you most want to respond to about five or six situations, whatever the number is for you that you tend to stumble across just so you can put generous words to what you feel in a way that when you read it, it sounds good. It is what you meant. And then when you're talking to people, you get so used to these things now it becomes very comfortable for you to have these exchanges. A great example. Might be. A client has asked for too much from you. You feel awkward saying no on. And if you can sit down and write out what you want to say, them in person potentially would say something like actually several projects that I'm working on right now. Let's talk about what you're very top priorities are what you care about the most and will definitely come up with a plan to make sure I can deliver to you those items something just smooth and easy. That is a qualified answer. We can do some of it, not all of it. I can't work around the clock for you, but we could do some of this. What I like is, basically, you start knocking out problematic areas in your life that tend to shut you down, that you don't know where to go from here by creating some of these little scripts for yourselves, and you can really find a way to be fair to others and kind yourself at the same time. One of the other things I do, from a business perspective, is some of the most commonly response of things that I say to people are created as scripts in an email signature. So an email signature that's developed and then there's several to choose from. There's maybe 12 to 15 email signatures that kind of get across what I want to say, safer. And since you're invited Teoh to attend some sort of event and you know you can't you maybe get these invitations all the time. You can write out a genuine, honest response to what you would want to say to that person, and then you adjust it to be more specific to the event of the experience. What this does, it seems like it's efficiency. But what it's doing is it's cutting out all those times where you feel unsure or frustrated or like people are trying to take advantage of you, and that feels uncomfortable. You're allowing yourself to not have to go through that so many times better see what you do this like what you just like yourself. You really dislike in others. Um, this was a really interesting insight for me, and I didn't get it for a while, took me a long time to figure this out. But at the root of anything that tends to drive you crazy about another person is something that I may or may not even know that I don't like about myself. And if you think about it, the things that you look at people and say that's so irritating, I would never do that. Sometimes it's not tit for tat. It's not necessarily like they crunch your cereal and smack, so allow the Maybe the underlying cause of that is it's disrespectful to somebody else or it's rude or it's not taking other people to account. And on some level you've seen yourself do that it may be, isn't always right. Quite so easy. Hasn't ever had an experience with that in their own life. Yes, I have realized over time that whatever I dislike since anybody, this is something that reflects back on me, Yes, always, and especially those things that just drive you crazy. It seems like a small little thing, but it just drives you nuts. Neil, you had mentioned that, like sometimes it's that final kind of little threat of something that you don't know why. But that's the thing that kicks you over. Sometimes that's what we find in other people. So so going back to knowing who you are. I think that one of the things that I have recognized is that if you talk to people about the difference between when they feel good and when they don't feel good inside, a lot of it has to do with extraneous external situations that are beyond their control. I don't feel good when some things beyond my control, and I'm having a response to it. A lot of negative feeling inside you that spills out to everybody you're in a relationship with can stem from what I'm calling the eyes. And by that I mean eyes. How to triumph over impatience, irritation, insecurity. So feeling these eyes in patients irritation, insecurity on. That's one thing that's actually normal. I don't know anybody who doesn't feel any of these things unless you've completely reached your pinnacle in your evolution of your inner space. But it is very difficult and correct me if I'm wrong to feel these emotions and concurrently feel happy at the same time. Yep, and I'm using the word happy. It's finally we talked a little bit on break about the difference between happy and contentment. Gus and I were chatting a little bit about this. How happy is a lot of pressure. We also went through this a little bit, and we were talking about photographing people. Happy is a lot of pressure to constantly be happy, but to be content a lot of your life in everyday situations, that's actually the awesome way to achieve that kind of inner feeling of peace is more contentment with burst of happy and and other feelings. It is very difficult to feel content in a current moment and also feel impatient, irritated and the negative circumstances that come out of insecurity when you act out of these spaces, this is extraordinarily rough on your relationships. No acting from a place like this could make for awful relationships. So what isn't patients look like? So maybe you walk in, there's a long line at the coffee shop or there you're sitting in traffic or you can think of a 1,000,000. Your Internet isn't going lightning speed at any given moment. Oh my God. OK, we have to wait for this. I recently had experienced where I had just gotten off a plane and I went into the and I made the mistake of leaving my purse on the plane, left all the way, came all the way through, got my baggage, and I was like We went back into the baggage claim info area, and as I'm in there waiting, it was a late It was late night, and he sent somebody to go back through because I couldn't go back through security onto the plane. So he sent somebody there and I just kind of had to stand there and wait as a stood that I was waiting. It was kind of later at night, this guy and I'm not kidding. Barged in Martian and his words were in the room before he waas and he came in and he was he was the problem. Waas He had paid for some sort of priority baggage handling. And the point was, his bags were supposed to be first off the plane. What his experience was is his bags were almost last off the plane and his frustration level was so high he just sat there. He's like, I was just sitting and waiting. He had taken in patients to the extreme in that, and I watched him so he didn't care who else was in the room. He didn't care what the experience of the man handling the baggage claim area, what his life experience was, how he was feeling in that moment didn't care. I felt in that moment he came in yelling neck like his Baines just bulging. He was like, pointing and yelling, and basically what I saw was this pinched facing this elevated sense of importance. That's that's what I saw. And I took a moment to memorize that because I don't want that part of me to erupt in that way. We all feel impatient all the time. But what we don't recognizes the effect we have on other people And how so much of what impatience is is this elevated sense of importance. This isn't happening fast enough for me or the speed that I want it to happen. And unfortunately, I think What the things I've come to recognize about my own sense of the patients is that basically, I think that I'm more important than other people at that time. That's kind of what it is. I'm impatient for this, Uh, the here mentioned. These are the things I saw. You might recognize some of these feelings when you are impatient. What is happening in your body? What are you feeling? One of the best ways to get more in touch with a lot of the stuff that doesn't feel like I have to really know myself is to simply start reading your physical sensations mawr what we call physical intelligence. If you start to recognize more and more my chest feels tight, all right, I always get. That means I'm frustrated in some way or my head feels like it's in the jaws of death. That usually means that I feel like there's a lot of pressure on me right now. You start. These were very individual experiences for all of us. Will talk a little bit more about that later. But starting to read physical intelligence. That means the intelligence that your body contains for you as a way to better understand what the words are. Your feeling helps you to manage these outbursts. So and it's funny. I was talking to a friend a little bit about this. This impatience thing. I have a rule about, um, patients that I'm about to share. But she said, Are you sure that managing your impatience is always the way to go? She's like, Isn't that not being yourself? And I thought that was very interesting because we're saying how you want to be really honest and authentic and find the best best way to express who you are. But I think part of that, as it relates to relationships, is you also have to be conscious of how other people feel with you being who you are, being brutally honest and hey, that's just me can be extraordinarily selfish. Could be extraordinarily self focussed. That's not the same thing as it relates to being in a relationship. That man was being himself. That was who he was in that moment. So one of the things I have done for myself as as a way to be able to be kinder to people around me because I care about being in better relationships with, um and I don't want them to be functional. I don't want to take them for granted, and I want to be kind to them and to the relationship is what I what I'm calling the three times rule. So basically, and here's a perfect case scenario. My eight year old. If I were to tell her to put her shoes on, I could click the timer, sit down and wait 2 to 3 days for something to maybe happen. It doesn't happen with 11 request, so I will see what shoes temperature. Susan, please put that down. But just go right upstairs. Get your shit and I will wait for the whole thing. and I could be standing by the front door with my purse and my keys ready to go, and she still does not have shoes on. And if I let it go, if I didn't say it one more time, I could blink and should be watching TV. So I say, No, no. And then when I get to the point where I feel like are you kidding, May wire yours. I'm going to tattoo them to your feet When I get to that point, I recognized for myself that I need three times more patients than I currently possess at that moment. What that has allowed me to do is recognize that I'm 1/3 3rd of the way there. Normally, without this kind of like inter prompt that I've given myself normally, I would say, How is it so difficult to just put your shoes? I started a robot, and so by saying I'm 1/3 of the way there, what that does is lets me take a deep breath and say, You know what? Let me kick in and help you. Let's just let's just get the shoes and get them on you. I don't feel like I should have to do this at this point, and yet that's the part of patients that I want to be able to provide to her because I want to care for the relationship. If I didn't care about the relationship so much, I would pull back and just say I said it, do it. And yet that part, we're just a little bit softer there and you have a bit more patients, allows you to take a deep breath and say, What am I doing to her? Um, by feeling like this is what I feel and you just do what I say. One of the most fascinating pieces of research I came across and had a pretty long discussion with my husband about was that psychologists say that the idea that you are not your behavior so when you tell somebody you're not bad, but what you did was bad. When you say something like that, cognitively, we don't really get what that means. So after the age of seven, we can't process that in any way. When I say that was a bad thing with the child would here is I am bad. It doesn't matter carefully we stayed it. It doesn't matter how much we separate the action for behavior. They don't get that yet. And I can tell you that for a long time at age four, I was saying, You know, you did something very bad and I didn't know that. So that's something where we've been able to reframe and we work with our daughter because even though she's eight, you know, we brought her home when she was older, and we know we've got some catch up to do. It's gonna take some time, these kind of things or what we started reworking when we started listening to other people who know more than we dio about such things. So when I say get your shoes on or any number of things or why is your room a mess again? And I feel impatient. It's similar to being in a race and saying in turning the corner and feeling with the finish line is all the way there. When you thought you were about to cross the finish line, that's what I envisioned for myself. With this patient's rule, the finish line's over there and you know what? The only choice I have is to keep going, not gonna quit now. That's what I try to envision in terms of giving myself more patients. Um, irritation. Okay, I think irritation is kind of fascinating. I really do. It's something most people don't question. Most people don't question. I'm irritated because your irritation. That's why I'm irritated. I, for my own sake. I started studying it because I don't remember feeling a lot of irritation for a long time in my life when I started feeling more irritation in my life was when more complexity came into my life. When I step back and look at my life, I wasn't so irritated by things for a very long time until I felt. And this is where the all in one life comes in, trying to do everything. All in one life. It wasn't so. I felt like everywhere I turned, somebody wanted something from me, and it started to be feeling it started field more irritating to me. These little things that I used to just let go more often Can you guys relate to that? I'm getting like Rebecca. Do you think you could talk right now? I think so. Good. Well, can I step? Step back for a second, Talking about what irritates us Another right place Notice that all the time like an This relates to so many things. But like my husband or my son on their IPhones. And I'm like, Why can't they just put them down? You know, as I'm like, Thanks, booking on your on your my kids will not put their phones down. It's driving me crazy. Yes, another thing is with the impatience, and you immediately thought of my kids and getting them off to school. And how frustrating, how frustrated I get with them when it's my fault that we're running late and I'm like, Why can't you get your shoes on? You know, even allow the time and it's my fault, you know? I know I'm contributing a lot of the reasons why we're running late, and then I take it out on them, and that is so unfair, unfair in so many ways. Another I thought I had about the self important get impatient yes, in traffic and getting a traffic jam and maybe running late to get to school. And then I get in traffic and I'm like, Don't these people know I have to get these school don't care, they don't care. Where they're going is not important, you know, And and then my behavior, you know, the maybe I mumble some phrases, colorful phrases in front of my Children and then they, you know, they're like, What's going on? You know, where is if I gave myself a few more minutes and the three times more time, every time, more time myself. Yes, everything will go a lot smoother. We probably get there in time and a lot happier at least. Yeah, and you know what? I think you mentioned that getting ready for school thing. I've had this conversation with a number of people, men and women, but anybody who's got Children and they're trying to get them to school by a certain time. There's a bell, and they not only require that kid to come to school clean, they want the net clothing and to shoes. So there's a love demands on you, and the more Children you have, the more this is. This is the extremes of this. But when I talk to people experience that a lot of people have is that that stressed that rush. Let's get it all together. Let's get you out the door and the mumbling and the frustration and like, Why can't you guys pull this together? We do this every morning, something different. Nothing's dead bread. And then you take the good there and then you leave the school it within five minutes, 10 minutes an hour. You start feeling so badly, I couldn't that better. I can't believe I lost my temper. I can't believe I mumbled those phrases. I really shouldn't call my daughter those words, whatever it is and so in that cycle just kind of keeps continuing. And and the antidote to that is the idea of looking at the patients looking at the And I'm not saying go out and buy some more patients. I'm saying you can continue to feel impatient and uncomfortable. Just know, you know, just give yourself That's what that that stretch is, um so, anyway, irritation. So another thing I think about irritation is really fascinating is when you dive into irritation and look at what it really is. Um, if anxiety and anger and blame made a new creature, it would be irritation. That's what irritation is It's the hate child of anger, exciting blame. It's all put together on. And if you are someone who is easily irritated often, but you would never consider yourself an angry person, you may well step back and look at that again. Understand what irritation is. Truly? Many researchers believe that irritation is tied to a need to control things in your life. So you wouldn't say I'm angry that that's not working in my favor. You're just irritated. But what is irritation when you really get the sensation of it? When you feel that inside it is a form of anger, and I always say this because this is one of my things. When I'm next to somebody, it's quiet room and no one else is around and they're chewing loudly and smacking and slurping. I feel like there's nothing. There's no book on the planet that will teach me how to manage that. Like nothing. I just feel like it's they're in, my tongue is in my brain and they're licking Cortex is it's awful. It's just so irritating. And what happens is that your attention is immediately glued to the source of your irritation. So if there are other noises in the room. I can hear them anymore. If there's other things that should be getting my attention, I can't give it because this is here and I hate it. That's that's how I feel that level of frustration about this tiny little thing. Just trumpet away on the cereal or whatever. So, um, the problem in a relationship dynamic, no matter what it is, whether this is your coworker, before you can hope for a meeting, you both stopping it luncheon or it's your spouse where it's your child or it's your parent. Whatever the case may be, when I am irritated with you, the person in a relationship with what I am saying is I'm establishing a level between us. I am irritated and you are annoying. You were down here, and I am up here because I'm looking down at you and saying, you suck. That's what irritation often is. When you call someone annoying, you are making them a lesser that is what you're doing. Does anybody ever feel like they've been called annoying by someone and thought, I think I am a goddess to them. No, you don't. On the flip side, feeling irritated is extraordinarily upsetting. You have these When you, when you were at your maximum capacity for irritation like that must stop whatever it is you're feeling a sense of emotional pain. You're feeling a stress on you. You're feeling sometimes for many people, physical pain, like a chest, like just keep Rebecca, you're not. But you know that I would never I would never consider myself an angry person. But when I really looked at what irritation can be, it's a form of anger and anxiousness and then blaming the other person for being so annoying eso that it's also it also can bring about a major major mood shift in a very short amount of time, something that's irritating. We're not talking about extreme physical pain. We're talking about a buzz that won't stop if you're literally have you ever had that, like a Fly just won't just won't Stop and for all, For that's the thing that's driving you so crazy Suddenly and you're now an annoyed mood. It can also lead to mental upset, fatigue and loss of your sense of humor. Think this isn't funny anymore? Stop it. That's irritation. So if you think about it like what? Things irritate you. Specifically, I mentioned a couple things firming. It's not all the same for everybody else, and that is where we can get in the clincher to People might be annoyed by extraordinarily different things, but they are together, and neither one understands why the other person has such a problem with something that they don't find annoying. Um, so what do you do when you're irritating? It's a nothing to say a here. This is what it is. So what do you do? Because it's I'm still I'm still having sensation. I'm still having the feeling, um, first and foremost, and what is considered to be the most effective thing is to simply identify very clearly what it iss. You just you have to at least know what it is. It's bugging you because sometimes you don't even know. Have you ever had that conversation? People? So what's wrong? Like I don't even know. I'm just generally feeling this eso What do I say? The problem is, and what is going on inside? If I say the problem is that this person is chewing really loudly right next to me, it's annoying. It's all him, and he's a diminution. I feel fully justified in my irritation. I have grounds. Yes, I have grounds. If I think about what's going on inside, this is kind of what you do with it. What I might also be subconsciously thinking These are my prevailing thoughts. I'm gonna get into that in a second. Number two is that that's prevailing thoughts in terms of outside. This is what's happening. Number two is what's happening inside, and I want to dig into that in a second. Number three. Going back to that physical intelligence. What's going on in my body? What do I actually feel when I'm annoyed? Because that's a way to quickly be able to identify when you're feeling things are you know, sometimes irritation is sharper when you're hungry. Tired, you know, in a mood rundown, overworked, under slept, etcetera. So if you can kind of be able to put irritation into context, you can handle a little bit appropriately. Obviously, you can. The third and final rule is just leave. If you're in a car, stop, pull over and leave. Leave the situation, but how can you remove yourself from the situation, whether it's mentally, whether it's emotionally, whether it's physically one of the best investment I've ever made in my life. Ah, noise canceling headphones. They are amazing. They basically allow me to leave many situations while still being physically there. I think I'm audio sensitive, like That's my annoyance point. So prevailing thoughts, the prevailing thought I might have in a situation where I'm irritated by somebody chewing next to me are things like this. Um number one. You know what? I deserve a little peace and quiet. I go all day long and I just moved it down and enjoy my breakfast. I deserve this with the failing thought is I deserve certain things That's first and foremost where this is started to but break me down. I deserve this. Number two. You know, I eat quietly. I closed my mouth. I don't have that After every bite. I am respecting those around me and their ability to, you know, eat peacefully. They're not respecting me. This person who's chewing is not respecting me. Number three This isn't fair that I have to listen to this every time we sit down to eat. That means I believe there is a fair and there's an unfair He doesn't care that's so annoying. He knows it. I have to say it over and over again. He keeps doing it. I think this person is. It's not through the only other male in my family. He should care about me. That's the rebellion thought. And he's so inconsiderate that the adorable child so inconsiderate, he should be more considerate. These air, of course, the prevailing thought. This is my yardstick for what should be. And if these things are being broken, I'm irritated. So if I were to really sit there and say, How do you manage irritation? I should go more in. I mean, remove yourself a special event, but also yes, think that need breakfast for my also understand your prevailing thoughts, to make a little more sense of them. So you're not just so out of control with feeling like I'm just out of control. I just feel this way I do with it. I am who I am. I should take some more responsibility for understanding what where the irritation is coming from. So irritation by designed. I mentioned earlier that many of the things we do each and every day that we call our personality. That we say is who we are is simply a memorized set of behaviors. Irritation can become a habit. Do you know people who by design things, they're just annoying all the time to them? Do you know these people? Anybody want to say that without saying their name like just just a quick profile of who you think is somebody who finds things annoying all the time. Commonly, do you think you could, uh, like a profile them with? Call them Bill unless that's your husband's name in which my husband Okay, um, I think it's just everything like you can say something to them, and it's, I think, whether you say something to them, the, um, I take offense to its yes, or if you do something for them, it's been done wrong. Or, um, it's never the right way, like it's never right to them. And it just yeah, it becomes it's against everything. Like like you said in conversation, in action, in just Everything you do is irritating. It's irritating. And that feels how, as a person in that relationship, um, is draining because then you're like, I just don't want to be around you. I don't want to be. You know, you you end up, you're moving yourself. But in my case, it's one of those relationships that are just there. Yes, it's a functional. It's a functional relationship. It's not like you can completely remove your So what you're saying is you removed yourself in terms of your president instantly, but you just you've gone because it's just been too much. And thats I'm glad you said that, because that's an excellent byproduct of being somebody who feels like you're always irritating. You kind of feel like, you know, if I can't even doing right, I'm not going to be here. I have to physically still be here for things. But I'm gonna break this connection because it doesn't feel good to say yes. So irritation is rough because it hurts both sides. It's uncomfortable for both sides. If you could get a better handle on it, you could manage it a lot more, Um, in terms of when I talk about those prevailing thoughts, one other point on that is it's the meaning that you assign to the activity I've assigned by by these prevailing thoughts I've aside all this meeting Teoh, you know, randomly chewing food. That's what I've assigned to it. And then people who tend tohave irritation as a habit are assigning meaning left and right, and most people are out to get him. They don't know that they don't think about it that way. And I'm saying, you know, people who tend to live. I'm not getting saying Get irritated. I'm saying people 10 toe live by this yardstick that the scale of how annoying people are is how they see them. That's what I mean. Um, okay, So insecurity. I made a really specific point here on this third eye of talking about insecurity, the negative manifestations, we all have insecurities and in many ways is the most beautiful parts of us, like the way we're not sure of ourselves could be the most lovely part of us. And so I want to distinguish when I say the negative manifestation of feeling insecure when the oddest part of somebody's showing negative, Um, the negative manifestation of insecurity. The oddest part to me is that everybody in the room knows exactly what it is, except for the person exhibiting the negative behavior and they're blind to it. So if I feel like I want to puff up and tell you a bunch about me and tell you also that I am because I feel a little insecure that I'm not awesome enough, everybody else can see that I'm like a blow hard. And I'm just going on and on about Amazing. You won't believe what I've achieved. Let me tell you all these things and you've had this conversation where you're with somebody and instead of saying, Oh, they're negatively manifesting insecurity. I should give them a hug. You feel like I'm so turned off by this person. This is exhausting to me. Correct. So this is the negative manifestation of irritation. I think that what one finds when you're when you're acting from a place of insecurity with through some of these negative manifestations is that you are are basically trying, Teoh. Try to stake some ground when you have shaky ground like your own ground isn't solid, like you are not very comfortable with all of who you are. You're not comfortable how the people are receiving you. And so you steak ground even harder. That's what you end up seeing with people who are acting out in negative ways because they're unsure of where they stand. They tend to be a little rougher, a little harsher, a little bit more ego blast. These are behaviors that all of us dio at some point in our life. What we want to do is be able to manage it a little bit because it's a major turn off to the people around us death. The other big thing here, just a couple manifestations that, I would point out, is blaming other people because you can't handle the idea of being wrong yourself. Blame is, there is a very consistent way to show these negative manifestations of insecurity, steamrolling other people with your preferences and not hearing what other people feel or think and putting yourself first. This this again. This seems like you're all about yourself, but it's mostly because you're so unsure of yourself that you have to steamroll collecting things to make up for a lack of what's inside excess materialism and a lot of conversation about what you're collecting and talking in detail about about the my new blah, blah, blah excel. Little there that that's the extent of what I know about cars. Give one. Um, give me a fancy card. Name my jaguar. Um, gossiping about other people back staffing is backstabbing two faced behavior. I'll say all this to you the second you walk out of the room. This is what I'm gonna say about you. These air. Just all this has nothing to do with you. This has to do with how I feel about myself and how I want other people to see me. I care so much about how other people see me because I don't have a handle on myself. That's the negative manifestation of insecurity is one of the ugliest truths to stomach about our own cells. But we can learn so much about how we come across to others by asking if you feel like I never do that sort of thing. That sounds awful. Those people are horrible people. One of these is find somebody that you inherently trust and, you know, would tell you answer and say, Do you ever see me commonly exhibit some behaviors like this that I may not even be aware of? You can learn some really fascinating things. I did this with somebody one time and we had this whole conversation and I learned something about myself that I wasn't aware of at all. In terms of things like this and when we say, Are you an insecure, ah secure person? It isn't about like Do you have confidence? Do you walk into a room and shake hands? Can you get up on the stage and talk to people in the World Wide Web? That's not the same thing, is this? We all know people who can speak in front of thousands but will break down in a private private setting. It's a different dynamic. OK, so behavior options at the root of it. And you mentioned the server at the root of all of this is simply feeling unworthy. Of course, that's what a lot of the negative manifestations of insecurity are coming from is you don't feel like you have a lot of worth yourself. You have to push it all out there for other people to see, to hope some of it comes back to you. That's kind of what's happening on def. You think about it when you're dealing with somebody and you're in a relationship with somebody who is exhibiting behaviors and you love this person. You care about this person, you want to work with this person. There's something about them that you want to sustain this relationship. But these behaviors are driving you crazy or they're things you keep doing and you don't want to do. But then you hear it slip out of your mouth sometimes. Did you see that car parked out? That Oh, whatever the case may be, either way it goes. Consider this feeling unworthy is probably one of the most makes emotionally painful places to be right lonely, unworthy, misunderstood. Those are all like that hurts. I really ate that feeling. I don't feel like my connected to other people when I feel these things. So if you consider it similar to a physical pain, if you were to see somebody walking across the living room and stubbed their toe and you saw them wins, you saw them move forward. You would feel more compassion for them because you see the physical pain attempting to relate to other people when you see them, be negative and and showcase these kind of behaviors as your as your responding to emotional pain is a really compassionate, wonderful way to be able to turn that relationship around. Say, I noticed you did this. This is what I feel about it. Is there something you want to talk about? Of course, the other person has to be up for doing that too. But this is a way to kind of move past these problematic areas in relationships you want tohave. But those behaviors are very difficult to be in a relationship with. Does that make sense? Do you think you could do that with people? Could you post about it on Facebook? Wait, could you post about it? And he had a really great image and then inspired quote with it. Could you post that? It doesn't matter. Just being able to recognize this for yourself in terms, your own behaviors and in the ones you love to try to open up a dialogue about it, it's feeling you always have to tiptoe around. This is really weird. We would never be able to talk about this, but because that keeps you so separate. Yes. Yes. When you were saying that we should ask somebody who we trust is there Is there anything by which we could judge for ourselves. But the be showcased those behaviors of insecurity. Well, certainly that that's where being able to kind of take a 10,000 square foot view and watch yourself and try to replay the things that happen, like taken event, where you're at a party and you're a cocktail party. You're trying a few things replaying in your mind and pull yourself up and look down at yourself, interacting. Try to replay it like a little film and say, What did I do right there? Oh, yes, I made a point of telling the three times I just published a book. Didn't you can see things that at the time, because you're nervous or you want to say the right thing or you don't know what to say in words. Just come out and you can't stop them. You see them moving across the room into the other person's. A year later, you can review that, and it's not that you can change what just occurred, but you can have significantly more power over managing that, seeing that next time instead of just blindly looping the same behaviors, that's one way certainly, Yes, I was actually gonna relate this because you were talking about habit, irritations, habit and even some of the behaviors that we exhibit when we're insecure. So I've been reading, reading, listening Teoh the power of habit. And he's always about like how when you have habits, what caused it? So there's like a trigger, right? And then whatever that habit is, you do that habit and then there's some reward, and that's why we continue doing it. So there's this loop. Yeah, So the way he says to change that or to change habits and it's it's work its efforts. Not like I'm gonna change it, right? So it's like cookies for yeah, So the trigger and the reward have to be the same. And then you change that habit so you have to still keep the same trigger. And I mean, I'm still trying to wrap my brain around setting yourself up for an easier transition by keeping the front that the trigger. It's four o'clock. I need a sugar rush. Yeah, and and you give yourself that same reward, or like a reward. But you have to find a way to change that habit. So you Yeah, I don't know if I'm explaining well, but you are, does everybody understand that? So basically, when you find yourself in the habit of consistently exhibiting negative manifestations of insecurity cash, that was a big sense e that coming our trigger you to figure out what the trigger is so potential? That's a wonderful point. I lose nothing by conceding that Teoh, What now that really is. That's a fantastic point. I hadn't considered that. That's really good. So when you're out at an event, for instance, and your maybe you find that when you're high pressures, social situations, you tend to say Maura about yourself. Because you feel uncomfortable in a social setting like that and you feel like you want to impress and you don't have a lot of time to do it, and then you do it again and again and again. And that's your trigger. Yeah, well, that's and like what you get out of it so that you know not just what triggers about what it's I can't believe I'm gonna quote Dr Phil, but he says, like like a pail, right? But we have to start thinking about it that way. You're like, Well, why? Why do I keep doing that one behavior I actually get. It might be a reaction or something, but there's a reason why you keep doing it. And sometimes we do things that are bad for ourselves, even and yet we keep doing it cause there's some other pale. Yeah, so yes, very good bye will be quoted in it for the download of this. Can I take what she just said? Put it in a slide and act like I just presented the Oh, like I want to do some sort of video photo shop work. Teoh saying that out loud. Great. So we come back to this quote, which is one of my favorite. You wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they dio this. I think about frequently when I find myself tempted to want to influence how other people think of me when I find that happening. One of the things that has really helped me. One other solution is that, uh is the idea that most of us walk around and we are the stars of our show way are every one of us and the rest of us are just supporting Hector's in art. The other person's show. What I do by assuming your thoughts of me are really prevailing. Everything I do, you're watching. You're studying. You try to figure out what it is. I'm assuming that I am the co actor in your play and I'm not. I'm not. What you're thinking about is a lot of what you're thinking about and what you've got going on, and you're at that party to, and you're also meaning people, and you're offering wondering also wondering how you can quickly get up to speed and learn in the person and get them to know about you in a short amount of time without being weird. And you're also thinking I probably shouldn't have three drinks in 10 minutes, but I feel better right now. You know, it's and so by thinking I'm exhibiting this because I care what they think. Just pull back and say they're thinking about themselves front now that that has helped me to taking some pressure off to feel like I have to do this or that, like I know, for instance, in this program, some people are watching this. The phone's over here on this corner while they're doing a bunch of stuff and they're gonna go answer every so often. Hear something? It's good point. Neither sweater, you know, And then that takes a lot of pressure off me, please, even watching.